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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24822805">As Autumn Colors Fall</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/staarryy/pseuds/staarryy'>staarryy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dead Poets Society (1989)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Lesbians, CHARLIE IS TRANS FIGHT ME, EVERYONE IS HERE BUT ITS WLW, F/F, also i've added many scenes and made anderperry actually canon because i can do what i want, also meeks is aro/ace, and meeks and todd are closer because honestly these two have sm potential</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 03:28:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>47,730</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24822805</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/staarryy/pseuds/staarryy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In the fall of 1959, shy Tori Anderson began her senior year of high school at Welton Academy; an all-female, elite prep school. The air was cold but Nina Perry was warm, and like her, her friends were too. </p><p>Quickly, Tori found herself a place between the vivid red autumn trees, helping her friends reform the secret Dead Poets Society with only stars and laughter to guide their poetry into the night. </p><p> </p><p>[in which everything is pretty much the same: the wlw edition]</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Todd Anderson/Neil Perry</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>alright!!! so even though it'll probably be clear enough I'll write down here the names that I changed in this au so y'all'll be able to find it easily:<br/>Neil Perry - Nina Perry<br/>Todd Anderson - Tori Anderson<br/>Knox Overstreet - Nyssa Overstreet<br/>Gerard Pitts - Gwen Pitts<br/>Stephen Meeks - Stella Meeks<br/>Richard Cameron - Richie Cameron<br/>(Charlie and Keating stay the same)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>A flicker of light. The match lit up, and Nolan moved it to lit up the candle in his grip before blowing out the match. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now, you’re going to follow along the procession until you get to me on the podium,” Nolan explained. “And at that point, I will indicate to you to light the candles of the girls.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He brought the candle to the teacher at his side, who nodded along. Nina watched the interaction between her headmaster and one of her teachers. She didn’t know the teacher’s name, though it hardly mattered — yet another balding, wrinkling old man who thought himself to know more about what was good for Nina and the other girls than they could ever aspire to know themselves.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nolan walked away then and the teacher turned to the few scattered girls before him, clearing his throat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All right,” he began. When the chatter didn’t quieten down, he raised his voice. “All right, girls, settle down.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina and her friend, Nyssa Overstreet, had made each other a perfectly timed face before Nyssa turned ahead and the other girls joined to form a line. Nyssa gripped her banner which read </span>
  <em>
    <span>honour</span>
  </em>
  <span> on it as Nina tightened her hold on her own which read </span>
  <em>
    <span>discipline</span>
  </em>
  <span>. She looked behind Nyssa’s brown ponytail to see Richie Cameron’s ginger braid as she stood first in line, fixing her own banner. Even without looking Nina knew Cameron’s banner read </span>
  <em>
    <span>tradition</span>
  </em>
  <span> and that the one behind her read </span>
  <em>
    <span>excellence</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Banners up,” ordered the teacher. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina locked her shoulders as someone from inside the hall opened the large dark doors to let them in. They strode inside the hall, the teacher first, then one of the girls in the school band and the four girls walking with their banners high. Nina heaved a sigh as the ceremony began. She couldn’t wait for this to be over.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Inside the hall, all the parents and students on their benches turned around to watch the group entering with the entire school staff walking behind them in a perfect line, the terrible music continuing to be played by that poor girl until they reached the podium at the front of the hall. There Nolan stood, wearing a black gown and a gold medal around his neck like a goddamn Olympic champion. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nolan moved from behind his stand to the middle of the stage and the girls holding the banners split into half, each pair going to stand at the feet of the stage in a row and lifting up the banners as they faced the audience.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ladies and gentlemen, girls,” Nolan began, gesturing to the teacher holding the candle by the first row of seated girls. “The light of knowledge.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At his cue, the teacher half-nodded to himself and leaned forward to the first row of girls, all of them around twelve years old — first-years at Welton. He lit up the first girl’s torch and she smiled at him politely before turning to light up her neighbour’s and so on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When the first two rows lit up their torches the girls at the front of the hall moved silently, putting their banners against the walls and each joining their families in the crowd.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“One hundred years ago, in 1859, 41 girls were sat in this room and were asked the same question that now greets you at the start of each semester.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina listened intently to Nolan’s speech despite the many times she had heard it before, thankful for any reason to stay still and ignore her father’s presence beside her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ladies, what are the four pillars?” Nolan asked the silent hall.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In unison, all the students in the audience rose to their feet and filled the room with the sight of clean white button-ups and dark blazers with name tags on them. “Tradition, honour, discipline, excellence.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The students all sat down quickly after that, and Nolan continued. “In its first year, Welton Academy graduated five students. Last year, we graduated 51. More than 75 percent of those went on to the Ivy League.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The teachers and guests clapped, and Nolan flashed a polite smile. “This kind of accomplishment is the result of fervent dedication to the principles taught here. This is what you, parents, have been sending us your daughters. This is why we are the best preparatory school for girls in the United States.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Another round of applause came, and Nolan’s smile widened. “As you know, our beloved Mr. Portius of the English Department retired last term. You will have the opportunity later to meet his replacement, Mr. John Keating, husband of an honour graduate of this school.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course they didn’t say her name, despite her proclaimed honourable records. It was a school for girls, sure, but all they ever learnt about revolved around men and taught out of men’s mouths.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The crowd’s attention turned from Nolan to where the teachers sat between the stage and the right wall of the hall. Standing up from the last seat on the teachers’ bench Nina could make out the English teacher’s surprisingly intact brown hair and the fact that he was apparently under the age of fifty. Truly baffling when seated beside the rest of the Welton teaching staff. His eyes were playful, his smile as warm as it was polite.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nolan continued as the new English teacher sat down. “And who, for the past several years, has been teaching at the highly regarded Chester Academy in London.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The ceremony went on as it did every year without any more surprises. After it was done, families were parting ways in the open yard at the entrance to Welton’s hall. On the exit of the building stood Nolan, grinning and shaking the hands of every parent as they left and stepped into the open yard. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori Anderson was a little overwhelmed by all the rushing bodies around her. She tucked a strand of her bob-cut hair behind her ear, fidgeting as her mother stopped on their way out to greet Nolan. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello, Dr. Nolan,” her mother gushed with a bright smile. “How’ve you been?” She put her arm on Tori’s shoulder, squeezing a little. “This is our youngest, Tori.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nolan’s eyes moved from Tori’s mother to herself, and Tori made an effort trying to smile at him politely. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ms. Anderson. You have big shoes to fill, young lady,” he said, extending his hand for Tori to shake. “Your sister was one of our finest.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His hand was sticky from sweat, and his eyes pierced into hers. That with all the commotion and new faces was definitely not doing much well to her roaring nerves.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori managed to choke out a strained, “Thank you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With that Tori’s mother was satisfied enough and they left the building, out to get her suitcase and belongings ready for her to take up to her dorm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the exit, Nolan stayed as he greeted the remaining families leaving the hall. Nina’s father approached him, shaking his hand firmly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gale,” Mr. Perry greeted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“John,” replied Nolan before turning his attention to Nina on her father’s side. “Glad to see you again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina smiled at him politely. “Hello, Mr. Nolan.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nina,” said Nolan, reaching to shake her hand. “We expect great things from you this year.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina nodded, shaking his hand. “Thank you, sir.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, she won’t disappoint us,” said her father, not sparing her a look as he nodded to Nolan confidently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina’s smile faltered at his comment, but she did her best to shake herself as her father’s gaze settled on her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, Nina?” Mr. Perry asked, a demanding tone behind his words.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll do my best, sir,” Nina said. The words left a sour taste in her mouth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She walked ahead, stepping down the stone stairs to the grass in the yard, watching from the side of her eyes as a young girl with glasses and two braids hugged her parents as she cried while they helped her collect herself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina wondered to herself when was the last time she felt sad about leaving her parents’ house and returning to Welton. It wasn't as if Welton was safe heaven of any sort, but at least her parents weren’t lurking in every corner — her mother with her sad eyes, her father with his demanding scowl. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She did like, though, the gigantic red-leafed trees all around campus, like a blanket, or a means of guarding. The seniors’ dorms and classrooms were between the lake and the hall, closer to that red forest than any of the other boarding houses. With the dark vast lake and firey trees, it was easy to ignore the pressing pressure weighing on her heart.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina skipped to the stone courtyard on her way to the dorms when she came across who looked exactly like the picture of her new roommate. She went towards the honey-haired girl, offering her a friendly smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey. I hear we’re gonna be roommates,” Nina said, slowing down to stand by the girl, towering over her a little. “I’m Nina Perry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The girl nodded a little, her blue eyes looking around a little before settling on Nina. “I’m Tori Anderson.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where did you go before coming here?” Nina asked her, smile widening to a grin. They began striding together towards the direction Tori could only assume would lead to their dorm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Balincrest,” Tori shrugged simply. Nina’s deep brown eyes were fixed into Tori’s and shined with something Tori never had possessed or known, but some well-hidden part of her </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted</span>
  </em>
  <span> to know so badly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina tilted her head a little to the side to signal Tori to turn to the right corridor. “Why’d you leave?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My sister went here,” Tori explained. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She could pinpoint the moment the realization dawned on Nina, her eyebrows raising behind her brown bangs. </span>
  <span>“Oh, you’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> Anderson.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori tore her eyes away, cheeks heating up a little in shame. When she looked back, Nina’s good-natured grin was still in place, sweet dimples not taunting her as she had originally thought. Nina still looked at her as if she was her own.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Y-yeah,” Tori said, her words coming out more like a sigh than anything. Not long later they made it up the stairs to their room, and from there each of them went to bring their luggage up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina moved around the hall of the dorms, dragging her bags along with her as she walked past her friends from school, girls gripping her shoulders or patting her head, calling out to her teasingly as they went past her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eventually, she made it back to her and Tori’s room — the same small space with beige walls, two beds put against the walls with desks against each and a closet between the desk and the door. She was glad that the large window between the beds was facing the lake, as last year her window had faced the dining hall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before Nina could even put her bags down she was disturbed by someone in her doorway, yet put down her bags by the bed before recognizing the voice talking to her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, how’s it going, Nina?” Gwen Pitts asked her distractedly. “Have you seen Meeks?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Pitts,” Nina called back as she turned around, kicking the bag closer to her bed. “Sorry, I have no idea where she is.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pitts sighed loudly and in a moment, her tall friend was gone, the brown bob-cut out of her sight. She turned back to her bags, opening the one she placed on her bed and beginning to take out her neatly-folded uniform when she was disturbed again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nina, study group tonight?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina turned to see Cameron leaning against her doorpost. “Yeah, sure,” she replied. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Business as usual?” Cameron asked with a smile, raising her eyebrows suggestively as if they were sharing a secret innuendo. Nina couldn’t believe she missed Richie Cameron. Somewhat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cameron straightened her back, ready to leave to her own dorm when she was reminded of something more she wanted to tell Nina. “Hey, I heard you got the new girl. Looks a little stiff,” she cackled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just then Tori entered, bumping into Cameron as she walked inside the room with her luggage.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cameron looked up to Nina, a flicker of embarrassment in her eyes. “Oops,” she said half-heartedly, and then was off to the neighbouring room on the door in front of Nina’s.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina turned to Tori who simply placed both her bags on the bed, trying to stifle her chuckle. “Listen, don’t mind Cameron. She was born with her foot in her mouth, you know what I mean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori didn’t respond, and Nina took out of her coat pocket the school pamphlet they were given in the ceremony and playfully threw it on Tori’s head, making her turn to face Nina who offered her a smile in return. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori opened her mouth to reply, and Nina couldn’t wait to hear what she’ll receive out of the endearingly shy girl. Her attention was suddenly drawn to the new visitors in their room who spoke up, and Tori turned silently back to her unpacking before Nina had the chance to stop her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Rumor has it you did summer school,” said Charlie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie was, without a doubt, the friend Nina had missed most throughout the summer break. The sight of her dark hair always up messily, her mischievous shit-eating grin and horribly-executed plans.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie had a relaxed smirk on her face, standing in the door along with Meeks and Nyssa, who leaned against Meeks with an arm around her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina rushed to hug Charlie tightly, grinning against her friend’s neck as she savoured the familiar feeling of hugging her. She then got a warm hug from Meeks — not feeling so sorry when she smudged her skin a little over the ginger’s large glasses — and a ruffle of her hair from Nyssa.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So?” Charlie asked her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Nina said, moving back inside her room. “Chemistry. My father thought I should get ahead. How was your summer, slick?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie scoffed, eyebrows raised. “Keen.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks laughed at that, firey curls bobbing as Nina shook her head with a fond grin. Nina returned to her baggage as her friends entered the room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Meeks, door, closed,” ordered Charlie.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, ma’am,” replied Meeks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie draped herself over Nina’s bed, kicking the bag on it to the edge of the bed, hitting her desk. “Ladies, what are the four pillars?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina spoke the same time as Nyssa who found herself at Tori’s desk, answering Charlie: “Travesty, horror, decadence, excrement.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks clapped her hands, sitting down at Nina’s desk as Nina leaned back to sit on the turned-off heater by the window. Charlie took out a cigarette from her breast pocket and put it to her mouth, dark hair sprawled on Nina’s pillow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay. Study group. Meeks aced Latin, I didn’t quite flunk English, so if you want we got our study group.” Charlie lit up her cigarette. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure,” Nina said. “Cameron asked me too. Anyone mind including her?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie frowned, blowing out smoke from her nose. “What’s her specialty, bootlicking?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s your roommate,” Nyssa said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie raised a finger at her. “That’s not my fault.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks laughed quietly at that before noticing the tense look Tori threw to her side, directed at Nyssa, and her laughter died on her tongue.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry. My name is Stella Meeks,” she said, grabbing the girl’s attention. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina seemed to be reminded of the fact that she hadn’t introduced the new girl in the room to her friends. “Oh, this is Tori Anderson.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks smiled her, nodding a little. “Nice to meet you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nice to meet you too,” Tori said quietly, nodding a little awkwardly. She turned back to her baggage for only a moment before Charlie spoke up, a challenging smile on her lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Charlie Dalton,” she slurred.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa leaned forward towards Tori’s bed, tearing her attention from Charlie with a warm smile. “I’m Nyssa Overstreet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tori’s sister is Jeniffer Anderson,” Nina informed them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, yeah, sure,” Charlie replied lazily, passing the cigarette to Nina.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks was impressed, to say the least. An excited smile rose to her lips. “Valedictorian. National Merit scholar.” She looked from Nina to Tori, who wasn’t meeting her eyes. “Well, welcome to Hell-ton.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s every bit as tough as they say,” Charlie said, “Unless you’re a genius like Meeks.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She flatters me,” excused Meeks, “That’s why I help her in Latin. And English. And trig.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A knock was heard from the door and Charlie dropped the cigarette to the floor and stomped on it, putting it out instantly. Nina smacked her across the head in a panic before standing up from the heater, wiping her palms on her skirt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s open,” she called.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mr. Perry entered the room, grey suit making him look paler than he was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Father, I thought you’d gone,” Nina said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie stood up from the bed with a charming smile, and Meeks and Nyssa began to follow her action. “Mr. Perry, sir,” Charlie greeted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Keep your seats, girls,” Mr. Perry said, and the three girls sat back down. He turned his eyes back to his daughter. “Nina, I’ve just spoken to Mr. Nolan. I think you’re taking too many extracurricular activities this semester, and I’ve decided that you should drop the school annual.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But I’m the assistant editor this year,” Nina tried, only to be cut off by her father.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I’m sorry, Nina,” he said, not sounding one bit sorry on her behalf.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But — father, I can’t,” she began. “It wouldn’t be fair.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her father took a deep breath in, as if she was a child throwing a fit and he had to control his temper. His eyes bore into hers, unmoving. “Girls, could you excuse us for a moment?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turned around to leave the room, leaving Nina to follow behind him. She closed her open mouth and pursed her lips, eyes dropping to the wooden floor as she walked after him to meet him outside her room. Nina stood against the wall, head down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t you ever dispute me in public,” her father said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina’s eyes shot up to her feather, searching for some sense in his head. “Father, I wasn’t—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“After you’ve finished medical school and you’re married on your own, then you can do as you damn well please, but until then, you do as I tell you,” he practically spat, leaving no room for her to breathe in another word. “Clear?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina felt like all the air had been sucked out of her lungs. “Yes, sir. I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her father looked around for a moment before coughing awkwardly, his eyes fixing back on her. “You know how much this means to your mother, don’t you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina forced herself to smile politely. “Yes, I do.” She took a halting breath. “You know me, always taking on too much.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mr. Perry broke into a small smile that was near enough to make Nina wince. “Well, that’s my girl.” He put his hand on her shoulder, squeezing. “Now, listen, you need anything, you let us know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina nodded in response and received a curt nod back before her father left. She slumped against the wall after he was gone from her sight, sighing to herself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why doesn’t he let you do what you want?” Charlie asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina didn’t have to turn her head to the right to see Charlie leaning out of Nina and Tori’s dorm. She bit the inside of her cheek, finally looking up from her shoes to Charlie and Nyssa beside her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, Nina,” Nyssa agreed. “Tell him off. It couldn’t get any worse.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, that’s rich. Like you guys tell your parents off?” Nina asked. “Ms. Future-Lawyer and Ms. Future-Banker.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie folded her arms over her chest. “Okay, so I don’t like it any more than you do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t tell me how to talk to my father,” Nina said. “You guys are the same.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks joined them as Nyssa spoke up defensively. “Alright, alright. Jesus. What are you gonna do?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What I have to do,” Nina sighed. “Drop the annual.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie offered her a smile. “I wouldn’t lose too much sleep on it. It’s just a bunch of jerks trying to impress Nolan.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina crossed her arms over her chest, shrugging as she huffed. “I don’t care. I don’t give a damn about any of it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, Latin?” Meeks asked, Nina thanking her from the depths of her heart for the change of subject. “Eight o’clock in my room?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” Nina replied, moving past the three girls to enter her room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sounds good,” agreed Charlie, worried eyes following Nina as she walked inside.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Behind Nina, Meeks leaned back inside to see Tori fixing her clock as she sat in her desk. “Tori, you’re welcome to join us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina returned to her luggage, lost in her thoughts. She missed Nyssa agreeing with Meeks’ invitation to Tori, and Tori thanking them in her quiet voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina moved to the window between the beds, seating herself on the windowsill and leaning her shoulder and head against the cool glass. She faced Tori’s desk but her eyes were looking outside, following the movement of the clouds as long as she could ignore Tori’s eyes watching her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina moved her gaze to her roommate who was busying herself by placing her clock back on her desk, searching for a distraction, the other girl pretending to have not been looking back at Nina just a moment ago.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina seated herself more comfortably, her back sliding a little against the window. “So what do you think of my father?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori looked at Nina, lips parted as she thought of the right words to say. She didn’t know how to reach out, to tell Nina they weren’t so different. That she felt for Nina’s strained relationship with her father. Tori opened her mouth, but she didn’t manage to say anything, so she frowned at herself and looked away from Nina’s warm eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“To make it around here you gotta learn to speak up,” Nina said, voice not mean despite her sharp words. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori looked over to her just as Nina shifted her gaze out the window, the smile resting on her face faltering as her voice grew less affectionate, shoulders slumping in defeat. </span>
  <span>“The meek might like it here but no quiet girl will make it into Harvard.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next morning was the first day of class, and the stairs to the dining hall were bombarded with students shouting and rushing towards their classes, loud noise filling the dread of the first day of yet another school year at Hell-ton.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The seniors split into two classes divided by the floors of the dorm rooms. Tori’s first class was chemistry where she was assigned homework for the next day, then agonizingly boring Latin, then trigonometry, then lastly: English. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori had gone to the bathroom in the break and when she arrived in English class, she had come to realize there were no desks left in the back, or even in the middle, so she was forced to take her seat in the far left of the first row despite her great wish of disappearing through the wall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When she made her way to the desk she chose for herself, shoulders tense and her school bag grabbed tightly in her grip, she heard Charlie’s taunting voice: “Hey, Spaz. Spaz.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A crumpled paper-ball came flying from the far end of the classroom across Tori’s face, hitting the girl on the desk beside her right on the back of her head. Tori didn’t know her name, but the girl had chopped black hair and a pair of round glasses and seemed to always have a cold, carrying a tissue in her hand at all times.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The girl — Spaz — flipped her head back to Charlie, brows furrowed in a frown.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Brain damage,” sighed Cameron on the desk behind Spaz’s.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The class erupted in laughter and cackles at Charlie’s antics. From the office’s door next to the chalkboard entered the teacher whose name Tori couldn’t remember, and the class fell silent immediately. It was that one young teacher — well, relatively speaking — and the girls all turned to their desks and opened their textbooks, looking away from him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the silence of the classroom, Tori could clearly hear his whistles as he walked past her. She raised her head a little, watching him as he strode his way between the desks until he left the classroom, not sparing them a word. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>More girls looked up now, giving each other confused looks and murmuring questions. Then the teacher popped his head inside the classroom, leaning against the doorframe with raised eyebrows.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, come on,” he urged.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then, he left again. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Keating</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Tori suddenly remembered. That was his name. More urgent mutters rose in the classroom and Tori made eye contact with Meeks as she closed her textbook, hugging it to her chest with raised eyebrows. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is he kidding?” asked Pitts, sitting behind Tori.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s gotta be,” shrugged Nyssa. “It must be a test.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina stood up from her desk behind Cameron’s, wrapping up her things and putting her bag on her shoulder. “Let’s go.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where?” Cameron asked her, a bit of panic in her voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie stood up from her place in the back row. “Let’s go, girl,” she agreed with Nina.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori closed her English textbook, the rest of the class following along. They began to leave the classroom with their textbooks, searching for Keating through the halls. They followed him as he whistled until they reached the entrance hall of the building. There were the four banners of the school hung on the walls and the girls eased to a stop in front of the trophy closet where Keating stood, pictures of seniors and athletes throughout Welton’s years hanging inside.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating raised his eyebrows to the girls, strolling slowly in front of them, his back facing the trophy closet. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>O Captain, my Captain!</span>
  </em>
  <span>” He called, smiling a little. “Who knows where that comes from?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The girls shuffled as they remained quiet and Tori tore her eyes from Keating to the ground, noticing how everyone around her was standing as silent as herself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anyone?” Keating asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was the first question asked since that morning that Meeks wasn’t able to answer. Tori could see the red-head fixing her glasses on her nose a little nervously in an excuse to occupy herself. Behind Tori, she heard Spaz blow loudly into her tissue.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not a clue?” Keating mused. “It’s from a poem by Walt Whitman about Mr. Abraham Lincoln. Now, in this class, you can either call me Mr. Keating, or if you’re slightly more daring — O Captain, my Captain.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina’s mouth quirked up in a growing grin. She bumped her shoulders with Nyssa on her side, who gave her a confused frowning look at Keating’s words. It wasn't common for a teacher to act so familiar and stepping out of Nolan's strict lines.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now, let me dispel a few rumours before they fester into facts,” Keating continued, a playful smile on his lips. “Yes, my wife too attended Hell-ton — and survived. And no, at that time, I was not the mental giant that you see before you. At your age I was the intellectual equivalent of a 98-pound weakling. I would go to the beach and people would kick copies of Byron in my face.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina raised her eyebrows to herself, unable to suppress her grin any longer. Keating was for sure nothing like their other teachers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now.” Keating looked at through the papers in his hands — a name list. “Ms. Pitts,” he read, then frowned. “That’s a rather unfortunate name. Ms. Pitts, where are you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori watched as the tall girl at Meeks’ side raised her hand hesitantly. She met Gwen Pitts that morning at breakfast, as Meeks’ roommate. She was a surprisingly sweet girl, a contrast to her towering and intimidating height.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating nodded at Pitts, his eyes fixing on her. “Ms. Pitts, will you open your hymnal to page 542? Read the first stanza of the poem you find there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pitts followed Keating’s instructions, and Tori watched her as her face constricted into uncomfortableness, Pitts coughing loudly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating raised his eyebrows at her, urging her to begin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>To the Virgins, To Make Much of Time</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” Pitts read out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori heard Charlie scoff in a laugh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating nodded at her. “Yes, that’s the one.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Some girls chuckled to themselves, Pitss shifted on her feet with a small worried smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating slipped into an amused smile too. “Somewhat appropriate, isn’t it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pitts huffed quietly, bringing her eyes to the poem at hand. “Gather ye rosebuds while ye may / Old time is still a-flying / And this same flower that smiles to-day, to-morrow will be dying.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, Ms. Pitts,” Keating said. “‘Gather ye rosebuds while ye may’. The Latin term for that sentiment is </span>
  <em>
    <span>carpe diem</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Now, who knows what that means?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks’ hand snapped up, and Keating pointed her to answer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Carpe diem, that’s ‘seize the day’,” Meeks explained. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating nodded. “That’s good Ms…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Meeks,” Meeks said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Meeks. Another unusual name,” Keating mused. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Seize the day.</span>
  </em>
  <span> ‘Gather ye rosebuds while ye may’. Why does the writer use these lines?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because he’s in a hurry,” Charlie said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating looked at Charlie pointedly. “No. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ding</span>
  </em>
  <span>!” He made a loud sound mimicking someone hitting a buzz, and the class broke into quiet laughter. “Thanks for playing anyway. Because we are food for worms, ladies. Because believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day going to stop breathing, turn cold and die.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina felt like all the air was sucked out of her lungs. She tightened her grip on her book, hugging it to her chest. In front of her, Keating motioned to the trophies and photographs behind him.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would like you to step forward over here and peruse some of the faces from the past. You’ve walked past them many times, but I don’t think you’re ever looked at them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating stepped much closer to the glass, and the girls followed him as he continued. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They’re not that different from you, are they? Same haircuts. Full of dreams, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina’s gaze moved between the different smiling girls in the pictures, really </span>
  <em>
    <span>looking</span>
  </em>
  <span> at them. She never paid them attention despite all the years she spent in that school, despite the fact that she passed the very photographs every morning on her way to class since she was fifteen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They believe they’re destined for great things, just like many of you. Their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable of? Because, you see, ladies, these girls are now fertilizing daffodils. But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating leaned closer to the glass, and the girls all did the same. They brought their ears closer to the photographs, enchanted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Listen. You hear it? Carpe…” His voice dropped, low and quiet. “Hear it? Carpe… Carpe diem. Seize the day, ladies. Make your lives extraordinary.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When the class was over, the girls made their way to lunch. Despite her vague sense of unease, Nina was enthralled by Keating. Like her, it seemed her friends were too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was </span>
  <em>
    <span>weird</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Pitts said. \</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But different,” Nina added.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa grinned. “Spooky, if you ask me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Think he’ll test us on that stuff?” Cameron asked worriedly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie rolled her eyes at that. “Oh, come on, Cameron,” she groaned. “Don’t you get anything?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Cameron asked, frowning. Charlie didn’t answer her, only speeding up her pace. “What?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After P.E., Tori was ready to retire to her bed and end the tiring day. The first day was always the hardest, she knew that, and now when she sat on the bench in the changing rooms with all her near-naked classmates and the teacher calling to them through the closed door, she was sure as hell ready to end it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Finish up in there, girls. Hustle up.” The teacher called to them, adding a far-away: “That means you, Dalton.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie raised her head from looking herself at the mirror, making a face. “What?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>While most of the girls were already past their showers, Tori was still in her P.E. clothes, sweat sticking to her skin. She sat, trying not to meet anyone’s eyes as girls rushed around her, chatter filling the changing rooms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who’s up for a trig study group tonight?” Meeks asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure,” Pitts said, drying her hair with the white towel on her head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina tore her eyes from fixing her eyebrows in the mirror and looked to Meeks with a smile. “Me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina wore only her bra, her towel clinging to her hips as her damp hair fell on her shoulders. Tori couldn’t tear her eyes from Nina’s back until Nyssa stepped over, putting her hands on Nina’s shoulders and leaning all her weight on the other girl until Nina squirmed in laughter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t make it today, girls,” Nyssa said smugly, dressed in a white button-up and dark skirt, her towel over her shoulders to stop her hair from wetting her shirt. “I have dinner at Danburrys’ house tonight.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The Danburrys? Who are the Danburrys?” Nina asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Big alums!” Cameron propped, joining the conversation excitedly. “How’d you swing that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa put her hair up in a ponytail, shrugging. “Friend of my dad’s. They’re probably in their nineties or something.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sounds great,” Charlie said sarcastically. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Everything’s better than Hell-ton hash, Nyssa,” Nina said, patting Nyssa’s shoulder when she moved from the mirror. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie huffed. “I’ll second that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Nyssa laughed, “We’ll see.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori could see Nina moving from the side of her eyes, reaching to her hung clothes next to Tori as Tori fidgeted her hands, looking at nothing in particular. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina waved her hand in front of Tori’s face and Tori’s eyes snapped to Nina’s damp smiling face beside her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, you coming to study group tonight?” Nina asked her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina’s arms stretched as she put her shirt on, tan arms and pale fabric. Tori found it hard to keep track of Nina’s words, blinking to shake herself from her dazed state.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, no.” Tori swallowed. “No, I’ve got some History I want to do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina nodded. “Suit yourself.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori nodded slightly even though Nina had already turned her back towards her, wiping her sweaty palms over her pants. God, she hated the feeling of her heart in her throat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Only later that night, after a long shower and with Nina off at the study group, did Tori feel like she could breathe again. The warm yellow light of the lamp lit up the room as Tori wrote on her open notebook </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘seize the day!’</span>
  </em>
  <span> in large, messy letters taking up the whole page. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating’s words echoed in her head, leaving her restless in the quiet dorm. Her eyes fell from her notebook to the schoolwork piled neatly on the side of her desk, far more distracting than Keating’s speech. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a sigh, Tori tore out the scribbled page and crumpled it, throwing it into the trash with an easy movement. Head low, she opened her history book and went to her work.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meanwhile, in the students’ lounge, girls sat at tables studying, some sprawled on the floor playing chess or stood by the wall playing darts. By one of the tables sat Pitts and Meeks, tinkering as they worked on building their own radio. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks put one of the earbuds to her ear, wriggling the antenna that was connected to the radio with a wire, stretching her arm in an attempt to catch a good signal. Pitts worked on the wiring when she found the reason for their failed attempt at hearing anything — Meeks didn’t connect the earbuds.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pitts smacked Meeks’ shoulder, offering her best friend a wide smirk, holding the end of the earbuds in her hand. Meeks stared at her blankly when Pitts plugged it in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>On the other end of the table sat Nina and Charlie, Cameron leaning over them to clarify Nina’s confusion, seeing as Meeks was too occupied to lend a hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just replace the numbers here with X- for X and Y,” Cameron explained. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course,” Nina mumbled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course, so, what’s the problem?” Cameron asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie’s head shot up from her textbook, sending Cameron a dirty look. Nina had to muster all of her willpower not to burst in laughter and pushed her round reading-glasses up her nose. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa entered the lounge, dreamily slumping against the closed door behind her. The group was seated on the table closest to the door, and all of them turned their eyes to their friend. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How was dinner?” Charlie asked, smirking a little.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa’s head tilted to them slowly, surprised, as if she didn’t realize she wasn’t alone in the world. “How was dinner? Terrible.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa moved from her place against the door to one of the empty seats, taking off her coat and spreading it on the back of the seat. She was the only one of them still dressed up nicely, everyone having shifted either to the comfort of their pyjamas or warm flannels. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just awful,” Nyssa continued. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why? What happened?” Charlie asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A smile tugged at her lips. “Tonight I met the most handsome boy I have ever seen in my entire life.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie cackled at the word ‘handsome’ and Nina kicked her under the table, not shifting her eyes from Nyssa. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you crazy?” Nina asked. “What’s wrong with that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s practically engaged. To Celia Danburry,” Nyssa sighed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie let out a slow breath. “That girl could eat a football.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Too bad,” Pitts said sympathetically.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Too bad?” Nyssa asked Pitts, her head in her hands. “It’s worse than </span>
  <em>
    <span>too bad</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Pitts, it’s a tragedy. A guy so amazing in love with such a bitch.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All the good ones go for witches, you know that,” Pitts said, shaking her head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, forget about him,” Cameron said. “Open your book and try to figure out problem five.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa looked at her incredulously. “I can’t just forget about him, Cameron. And I certainly can’t think about trig.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina hummed to herself, half-amused. A silence stretched between the girls at the table, and she wondered to herself what may be so damn special about that guy Nyssa met tonight that she couldn’t leave it be. Whenever Nina was interested in a guy it never interfered with anything else she had on her mind, it was always controllable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa must be really gone for him, Nina mused. And Charlie, who could just decide upon herself to hook-up with someone and go with it. And Pitts, who could long after some guy who used to deliver her mail over summers for something like six months when they were sixteen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It seemed most of her friends were romantics. Nina never really got how come she, who was so in love with love, managed to fall short on that specific affection department.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At least she had her friends, and she had more than enough love stored in her for each of them. After all, everyone was a little in love with their friends. She must have run out of her love to spare some for men.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pitts practically jumped ten feet in the air, drawing Nina violently back to the present time. She could notice a small light pop up on the radio, turning on and off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We got it,” Pitts breathed out in amazement. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks quickly brought the earbuds to her ears. “Turn that up!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The door to the lounge opened, and Hager — the one-hundred-year-old chemistry teacher — walked inside, a sour expression on his face as per usual. “Alright, ladies, five minutes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At the sight of Hager, Pitts and Meeks immediately pulled their improvised radio off the table to Pitts’ lap, sighing heavily. Around them, the girls closed up their schoolwork and begin to leave. Nyssa sat at the table, not looking like she was ready to move anywhere any time soon. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie stood up from her place at the table, leaning over it towards Nyssa. Cameron clapped on Charlie’s back, gesturing towards the door. “Let’s go.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you see him naked?” Charlie asked with a grin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa made an annoyed face at her. “Very funny, Dalton.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie cackled at that, leaving the room with Cameron at her side, Nyssa following them shortly after. Mostly everyone was gone from the students’ lounge by then but Pitts and Meeks, trying not to make eye contact with Hager at the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That wouldn’t be a radio in your lap, would it, Ms. Pitts?” Asked Hager.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks still held the antenna in her right hand. The pair were waiting for Hager to leave so they could take their radio out of the lounge without worrying about any teacher catching them in a blatant act of breaking the school rules, with little success.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, sir. Science experiment,” Pitts replied, trying to come off as nonchalant as she could. Meeks didn’t quite believe there was anyone who was a worse lier than Gwen Pitts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hager frowned at them deeply, grey-haired eyebrows furrowing in confusion. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks wiggled the antenna in her hand for some good measure, keeping a straight face. “Radar,” she said plainly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hager looked almost impressed.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i hope you liked this chapter!! i have most of the upcoming chapters already written so they'll be all up in the next few days :))<br/>I actually began working on this around March when the lockdown started in my country and decided that posting it up here will give me the last push to finish the last chapter. this chapter was pretty much just the intro to all the characters and the setting, so the actual plot really begins in the next chapters :) let me know what y'all thought about it !</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The next day, they had English class first thing in the morning. Tori slept restlessly and arrived bleary-eyed to Keating’s class, not quite ready for what was coming. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating stood behind his desk and opened his textbook, looking up to the girls. “Ladies, open your texts to page 21 of the introduction. Ms. Perry, will you read the opening paragraph of the preface, titled </span>
  <em>
    <span>Understanding Poetry</span>
  </em>
  <span>?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina straightened her back, fixing her glasses on the bridge of her nose. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Understanding Poetry</span>
  </em>
  <span> by Dr. J. Evans Pritchard, Ph. D. To fully understand poetry, we must first be fluent with its meter, rhyme and figures of speech, then ask two questions. One: how artfully has the objective of the poem been rendered? And two: how important is that objective? Question one rates the poem’s perfection. Question two rates its importance. And once these questions have been answered, determining the poem’s greatness becomes a relatively simple matter.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As Nina read out, Keating stood up from his desk and moved to the chalkboard, drawing a vertical and horizontal line. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina continued. “If the poem’s score for perfection is plotted on the horizontal of a graph, and it’s importance is plotted on the vertical, then calculating the total area of the poem yields the measure of its greatness.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks, Cameron and other students began to copy the graph Keating drew guided by Nina’s reading. The man’s words sounded silly to Nina and she looked up, sending Keating a questioning glance. He signalled for her to continue, and she did so reluctantly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A sonnet by Byron might score high on the vertical, but only average on the horizontal. A Shakespearean sonnet, on the other hand, would score high both vertically and horizontally, yielding a massive total area, thereby revealing the poem to be truly great. As you proceed through the poetry in this book, practice this rating method. As your ability to evaluate poems in this manner grows, so will your enjoyment and understanding of poetry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina finished, taking off her glasses and putting it on her desk. She looked up to the chalkboard, examining Keating’s graph and scribbled notes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Excrement,” Keating drew out. “That’s what I think of Mr. J. Evans Pritchard. We’re not laying pipe. We’re talking about poetry. How can you describe poetry like American Bandstand? </span>
  <em>
    <span>I like Byron. I’ll give him 42, but I can’t dance to it.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Now, I want you to rip out that page.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was as if the class halted to a stop. All eyes turned to Keating in the silence that blanketed the room, but he stayed unfazed at their bewilderment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go on. Rip out the entire page,” Keating instructed. Nobody moved, some chuckling at Keating’s words. He stayed dead serious. “You heard me. Rip it out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie was the first to do so from her place in the back row. She pushed her scribbled notebook to the side and took her texts, ripping out the page confidently. She raised it up as all the heads turned to her, a smile and raised eyebrows on her face, challenging them to follow suit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, Ms. Dalton. Tell you what, don’t just tear out that page, tear out the entire introduction.” While Keating spoke, all attention was brought back to him as Charlie ripped the page into smaller pieces. “I want it gone, history. Leave nothing of it. Rip it out. Rip. Begone, J. Evans Pritchard, Ph. D.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Rip, shred, tear,” continued Keating. “Rip it out. I want to hear nothing but ripping of Mr. Pritchard.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks took the whole introduction in her hands, ripping out the whole chapter in one go. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not the Bible, you’re not gonna go to hell for this. Go on, make a clear tear. I want nothing left of it.” Keating left to his office in search of a trash can, leaving the classroom as they tore out the pages.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cameron turned to Nina behind her worriedly. “We shouldn’t be doing this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina grinned at her as she tore the pages. “Rip, rip, rip.” She pushed Cameron back to her seat, urging her to do the same.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The students ripped out the pages, laughing and throwing balls of crumpled papers in the air. Then the classroom’s door flung open with  McAllister, the geography teacher, bursting into the room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What the hell is going on here?” He demanded, eyes jumping from the different girls in search of an explanation on the havoc thrown in the class. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The laughter died immediately, all heads turning to McAllister as he demanded an answer. The blonde teacher stood in the door with a frown and Charlie put in her mouth the last ball of paper in her grip, closing it quickly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t hear enough rips,” Keating called, re-entering the classroom from his office with an empty trashcan.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>McAllister stood stunned in the doorway. “Mr. Keating,” he breathed out in confusion. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mr. McAllister,” Keating greeted easily. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>McAllister stood in his place, running a hand through his thin hair, a shocked silence stretching in the room in contrast to Keating’s smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” McAllister said finally, “I didn’t know you were here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating shrugged a little. “I am.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>McAllister looked almost embarrassed. “Ah. So you are. Excuse me,” he said, taking a step back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating strode between the desks of the girls for them to throw their introductions to the can. “Keep ripping, ladies. This is a battle, a war, and the casualties could be your hearts and souls.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie stood from her desk as Keating got closer to her, spitting the ball from her mouth into the can, then flashed Keating a grin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating nodded to her in awkward acknowledgment. “Thank you, Ms. Dalton. Armies of academics going forward measuring poetry. No. We’ll not have that here. No more of Mr. J. Evans Pritchard. Now, in my class you will learn how to think for yourselves again. You will learn to savour words and language. No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating stopped in her place next to Pitts’ desk, gesturing to her. “Now, I see the looks in Ms. Pitts’ eyes, like 19th-century literature has nothing to do with going to business school or medical school. Right? Maybe.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then Keating gestured to Hopkins, a muscular blonde girl sitting next to Cameron. “Ms. Hopkins, you may agree with her, thinking — </span>
  <em>
    <span>yes, we should simply study our Mr. Pritchard and learn our rhyme and meter and go quietly about the business of achieving other ambitions. </span>
  </em>
  <span>I have a little secret for you. Huddle up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The girls, completely mesmerized by Keating, did just that. They hang to every word, leaning over their desks or moving out of their seats to sit on the floor in front of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we’re members of the human race.” Keating leaned over Spaz’s Hopkins’ desk, closer to the girls, and they leaned closer too. “And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits, and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, </span>
  <em>
    <span>love</span>
  </em>
  <span>,  — these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman: ‘O me! O life! Of the questions of these recurring /  Of the endless trains of the faithless / Of cities filled with the foolish / What good amid these, O me, O life? Answer — that you are here, that life exists, and identity / That the powerful play goes on / And you may contribute a verse.’ That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating stopped for a moment, taking a look at each of the girls with a small smile. Nina’s lips tug upwards in wonder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What will your verse be?” Asked Keating. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori felt like the skies have been opened above her head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At lunch, they said a short prayer before turning to their meal. After Nolan sat down on his seat all the teachers followed and the students did too after them, each grade on their own table.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina rushed to the seniors’ table, late by a few minutes. She sat down between Nyssa and Charlie, dark brown hair a mess and cheeks flushed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, I found her senior annual in the library,” Nina said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who’s?” Charlie asked her, mouth full of rice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Susan Keating! Well, here she’s Susan Lee.” Nina brought the annual from below her shirt, passing it over to Meeks sitting in front of her. “Listen to this — Captain of the soccer team, editor of the school annual, Cambridge bound, thigh woman, and the Dead Poets Society.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks held the annual so that both Pitts and Tori on her sides could read with her. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Woman most likely to do anything</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” she read out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And look at that, now she does Mr. Keating. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Thigh woman,</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Charlie raised her eyebrows. “Oh, Mrs. K was a hell-raiser.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina laughed at her comment before bringing up her fork to her mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pitts scooted closer to Meeks, biting her bottom lip as her eyes searched for something on the pages. “What’s the Dead Poets Society? Is there a picture?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks flipped through some other pages, in vain. “Nothing, no other mention on it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I say we ask Keating about it,” Nina offered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>You</span>
  </em>
  <span> be the creep that asks him about something that was written about his wife a century ago,” Nyssa said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina raised her eyebrows. “Fine,” she said, smiling a little.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After they were finished, the girls raced from the dining hall to the direction of the lake. They ran after Keating’s striding figure, down by the water without a care in the world. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mr. Keating,” Nina called to him. He didn’t falter his steps, continuing to whistle even as the herd of girls jogging after him got closer. “Mr. Keating. Sir?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Say something,” Charlie urged her as if he would disappear into thin air if they wouldn’t catch him on time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina took in a breath. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What the hell</span>
  </em>
  <span>, she thought to herself. “O Captain, my Captain?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating turned around to them at that, hugging a book to his chest with a smile. “Ladies,” he greeted them warmly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We were just looking in the old annual and found your wife,” Nina said, opening the annual on the correct page before handing it over to Keating.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, my god.” Keating grinned widely, his fingers tracing Susan’s photo. “Yes, that’s her. We were already together back then.” His eyes moved to the other girls on the page, crouching down as he went over the familiar faces. “Patricia</span>
  <em>
    <span> the Tool </span>
  </em>
  <span>Wilson. God.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina crouched down too, meeting him eye-level. “What was the Dead Poets Society?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating looked up, a cackle escaping his lips. “I doubt the present administration would look too favourably upon that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why? What was it?” Nina asked, smiling confusedly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating looked between the girls with a considering expression, closing the annual in finality. “Ladies, can you keep a secret?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina leaned forward without noticing, and Tori behind her took a step closer before kneeling too. Charlie, Meeks, Pitts, Nyssa and Cameron followed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure,” Nina said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The Dead Poets were dedicated to sucking the marrow out of life,” Keating began. “That’s a phrase from Thoreau we would invoke in at the beginning of every meeting.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How did it get to Welton?” Charlie asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Susan, of course,” answered Keating.  “See, they would gather at the old Indian cave and take turns reading from Thoreau, Shelley, Dickinson, Whitman, the biggies. Even some of their own. And in the enchantment of the moment, they let the poetry work its magic.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You mean it was a bunch of chicks sitting around and reading poetry?” Pitts asked slowly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, Ms. Pitts, it wasn’t just </span>
  <em>
    <span>chicks</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” Keating shook his head. “They weren’t a Greek organization, they were romantics. They didn’t just read poetry, they let it drip from their tongues like honey.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori couldn’t hold back her small smile. Even outside the walls of their classroom, Keating had them bewitched. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Spirits soared and gods were created, ladies. Not a bad way to spend an evening, no?” Keating chuckled bitter-sweetly, handing Nina the annual back. “Thank you, Ms. Perry, for this stroll down amnesia lane.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating stood up, turning his back to the girls and continuing his way towards the lake. The girls stood up from behind Nina while she stayed on her knees, lost in thought. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dead Poets Society,” she muttered to herself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The bell rang and Tori’s head shot towards the school as did the other girls’, their attention falling momentarily on the school building. At the ringing of the bell, Nina was torn out of her thoughts and stood back up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her grip on the annual was tight. “I say we go tonight.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie’s head spun around to look at Nina. “Tonight?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina smiled at her friend and Cameron made a wild movement with her hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait a moment,” Cameron warned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Everybody in?” Nina asked, looking around at her friends’ faces.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where’s this cave he’s talking about?” Pitts asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori let out a long breath, worry churning at her guts. When she looked aside she met Meeks’ worried face, the red-haired biting the inside of cheek visibly. Nearly everyone else previously out in the yard was already back inside the school.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s beyond the stream, I know where it is,” Charlie assured, which, unsurprisingly, did nothing to calm Tori’s nerves down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pitts began walking away and towards the school, shaking her head. “That’s</span>
  <em>
    <span> miles</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina rushed after Pitts, Charlie and Meeks joining to catch up with them. Cameron and Nyssa bantered next to Tori, Cameron shrugging with her hands in her pockets. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sounds boring to me,” Cameron said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t go then,” Nyssa replied.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The three of them sped up their pace, catching up with the others and the whole group jogged towards the school building.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know how many demerits we’re talking?” Cameron asked no-one in particular. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie rolled her eyes. “So don’t come, please.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look, all I’m saying is that we have to be careful,” Cameron insisted. “We can’t get caught.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No shit, Sherlock,” Charlie retorted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hager stood at the front of the building, holding the door open as he watched them. “You girls there, hurry up.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina stopped her run, halting to a stop on the grass and turning to face the girls with a grin. Her dimples were enough to convince anyone, Tori decided. “Alright. Who’s in?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cameron gestured towards the school building. “Come on Nina, Hager’s there—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina cut her off swiftly. “Forget Hager. No. Who’s in?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cameron sighed, letting her hand drop by her side grumpily. Charlie looked from Cameron to Nina with a mischievous smile, looking absolutely ecstatic. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m in,” Charlie said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina’s smile widened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m warning you,” called Hager. “Move.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cameron shifted uneasily in her place. “Me too,” she said finally.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pitts began walking ahead, her long legs allowing her to stride forward in large steps with little effort. “I don’t know, Nina.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Nina asked. “Pitts.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Pittsie, come on,” Charlie said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Her grades are hurting, Charlie,” Meeks tried. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina turned backwards as she walked, tilting her head to Meeks. “You can help her, Meeks!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is this, a midnight study group?” Pitts asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina patted her hand on Pitts’ shoulder as they sped up their pace to the entrance. “Forget it Pitts, you’re coming. Meeks, your grades hurting too?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll try anything once,” Meeks said, a ready smile on her face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Except sex,” Charlie corrected. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks rolled her eyes. “Ha ha.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m in as long as we’re careful,” Cameron said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie stopped Nyssa in the door, putting her hand over Nyssa’s heart. All the other girls were inside the building already, the pair being the only ones left outside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about you Nyssa?” Charlie asked her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, Charlie,” Nyssa sighed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“C’mon Nyssa, it’ll help you get Cris.” She let go of Nyssa and rushed to the door, making her way inside the building quickly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa went after her, excitement bubbling in her. “Yeah? How?” She watched Charlie running to class as she stood in the door, but Charlie didn’t reply. “Charlie, tell me how it’ll help me. Charlie!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In the students’ lounge that evening, there had been McAllister put in charge as happened sometimes. The girls sat on one table in front of a map of the school grounds. Charlie sat and explained how to get there, Meeks on her side while Pitts and Cameron sat on the other side of the table, Nyssa and Nina leaning over Charlie to have a good look at the map. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not listening,” Charlie said. “Look, you follow the stream to the waterfall.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina nodded along. “It’s right there. It’s got to be like—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, girls, it’s starting to sound dangerous,” Cameron said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie looked up from the map with raised eyebrows, sharp gaze directed at Cameron. “Well, why don’t you stay home?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cameron shook her head. “You’re crazy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>McAllister stood up from behind his desk at the front of the lounge, taking out the pipe from his mouth. “For God’s sake, stop chattering and sit down.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite them sitting in the farthest away table from McAllister, the girls have been racking up a lot of noise. Nyssa sat down between Meeks and Charlie and Nina went up to the table beside their own, sliding to sit on the empty bench at Tori’s side. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori tried not to shoot up her head the moment Nina strode to sit beside her on the nearly empty table (all but the two girls on the other end murmuring about chemistry). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori had heard most of the conversation held on the neighbouring table, unable to concentrate on her trig at hand. She looked up to Nina in recognition and gave a sort of curt nod, eyes treading to the other table and then back to Nina.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina leaned even closer to Tori as she whispered to her. “Tori, are you coming tonight?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori could pinpoint every spot in which their thighs pressed together, could count Nina’s lashes if she damn as well wished to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” Tori said, shaking her head slightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina looked at her with soft brown eyes and soft parted lips, eyebrows furrowed. “Why not? You were there. You heard Keating. Don’t you want to do something about—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Y-yes, but…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina waited quietly on Tori’s side for her to finish her trail of thought. Tori could feel Nina’s eyes turn back to her when she didn’t continue. “But what?” Nina asked, voice now softer as she smiled a little. She wasn’t being mean, just confused. Or intrigued.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori looked away from Nina, licking her lips nervously, the words coming out of her near-ashamed. “Keating said that everybody took turns reading,” she began, stopping for a moment, mustering her voice again, “And I don’t want to do that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gosh, you really have a problem with that, don’t you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina didn’t sound accusing, but tremendously sincere. Tori couldn’t decide what was worse. Her eyes shot back to Nina, holding her gaze before looking away and gathering her courage.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I don’t have a problem, Nina. I just…” Tori swallowed. “I don’t want to do it, okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright,” Nina said. She let out a breath before Tori could feel her jolt at her side. “What if you didn’t have to read? What if you just came and listened?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not how it works,” Tori muttered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Forget how it works. What if the girls say it was okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“W-what? What, are you gonna go and ask them if…” Tori looked at Nina, fidgeting with the pen between her fingers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina looked at her intently, shrugging a little.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no,” Tori said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina rose from the bench. “I’ll be right back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori’s eyes followed Nina as she tried to call her to come back, to stop her, but Nina was already on her way to the table where the girls sat. “Nina,” she gritted through her teeth, a hushed call. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Nina</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>McAllister was smoking his pipe, grading papers lazily as Nina sat down on the last table with her back to Tori. “Oh, shut up, will you?” He called. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tori leaned over the sink and spit the toothpaste in her mouth, the small bathroom crowded with girls getting ready to bed. Spaz babbled on next to her as she cleaned her glasses in the sink, telling Hopkins about the play she wanted to go see during the weekend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori washed her face in the sink when she felt a tap on her back. She put a towel to her face, tilting her head to see Nina leaning over the wall with a satisfied grin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re in,” she said simply.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The two went to their room, Nina eyeing Hager as he walked slowly in the hallway, making sure no girl was outside of her room now that curfew was nearing. The pair peeked from the doorpost as Hager went inside his own room at the end of the corridor, shutting the door behind him closed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina looked over to the door in front of her own, meeting Charlie’s grinning face with a smile of her own. She closed the door to her and Tori’s dorm as Tori opened her closet, putting her coat over her pyjamas and bringing out a flashlight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina did the same, checking the flashlight by flipping it on and off when Tori spoke up, drawing her attention to where she was standing at Nina’s desk with a frown.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s this?” Tori asked, fingers feeling the binding of the old-looking book. It wasn’t there when Nina went to take a shower.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She moved close to Nina, bringing up the book to her face. Its binding was dark green and nearly torn, all dusty and titled </span>
  <em>
    <span>Five Centuries of Verse.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“No idea,” Nina muttered. She opened the book to reveal the thin yellow pages.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>On the first page was written the title “To Be Read At the Opening of D.P.S. Meetings” and Keating signature was scribbled at the bottom of the page. Nina and Tori went over the written paragraph, a smile growing back on Nina’s face as excitement stirred inside her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they were sure Hager was asleep, the girls snuck out. They left sweets for the guarding dog waiting at the top of the stairs before running down the staircase, already gone when Hager came out of his room to check the source of the noise. As they left the seniors’ building through the main door they pulled up the hoods of their dark blue Welton coats, disappearing into the foggy forest as hooded figures barely lit by moonlight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They ran, barely lighting their path through the thin woods with their flashlights until Charlie on the front called out in triumph, filling the night with her joy upon finding the cave.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie went inside first, making her way into the pitch darkness through branches and leaves. She startled Meeks who went in after her as she hid in the darkness, grabbing her shoulders when Meeks’ back was towards her, unsuspecting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Grr, I’m a dead poet,” Charlie growled, her flashlight held below her chin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks sighed heavily. “Jesus, Charlie.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Over here, girls!” Charlie called out to the others. “Ha ha ha!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re funny,” Meeks muttered as she stumbled further inside. “You’re real funny.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Soon all the girls found their way inside, entering the cave and lighting it up with their flashlights. They went to the task of lighting up the place and perhaps even managing to heat up the September coldness. Eventually, after many efforts, they managed to light up a small fire in the middle of the cave. It was mostly smoke, but still. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s too wet,” Cameron declared.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“God, are you trying to smoke us out of here?” Nyssa asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina stood up as Nyssa and Cameron continued to tend the fire, flickering through the book Keating had left on her desk. “No, the smoke’s going right up this opening.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A loud groan came when Pitts, the tallest of them all, entered and bumped her head in the low ceiling of the cave. She held her head, wincing as Nyssa and Charlie laughed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You okay?” Meeks asked her, unable to suppress her cackle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pitts sat down, leaning her back against the cave walls. “Oh. God. Cold.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now that everyone’s in, I hereby declare this the Charlotte Dalton Cave for Passionate Experimentation,” Charlie said, standing up too. “In the future, anyone wishing to enter must have permission from me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait a minute, Charlie,” Pitts cut her. “This should belong to the club.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It should, but I found it and now I claim it,” Charlie shrugged. “Carpe Cavern, girls. Seize the cave.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina waved the smoke out of the pages so she could read what was written. “Alright, alright, forget the fire. Forget it.” She stood up, and Tori who sat beside her looked at her as she spoke. “Let’s go, ladies.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s like trying to light up a swamp,” Nyssa muttered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hereby reconvene the Dead Poets Society,” Nina said. She brought a cigarette to her mouth, Meeks’ flashlight lighting her up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yay,” Charlie cheered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina breathed out the cigarette smoke from her lungs, taking it between her fingers as she held the book open. With her free hand, she raised her own flashlight to be able to read, squinting her eyes a little since she wasn’t wearing her reading glasses.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Welton Chapter. The meetings will be conducted by myself, and the other new initiates now present.” Nina lit up all their faces in turn before looking back down to the book. “Tori Anderson, because she prefers not to read, will keep minutes of the meetings. I’ll now read the traditional opening message by society member Henry David Thoreau. ‘I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.’”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“God, I want to suck all the marrow out of Cris,” Nyssa sighed. “I’m so in love, I think I’m going to die!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“‘To put to rout all that was not life, and not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived.’”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Silence fell over the cave at Thoreau’s words, or at Nina’s voice. Tori couldn’t quite pinpoint it. Nina was like an urban legend like that, some sort of mythical creature. Another kind of magic, something with amber eyes that bled through to Tori’s bones, warm and sweet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And, uh, Keating marked a bunch of other pages,” Nina added half-awkwardly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina went through the pages, and Charlie straightened her back, clapping her hands. “Alright, intermission. Dig deep, right here. Right here, lay it down.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“On the mud?” Cameron asked. “We’re gonna put our food on the mud.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie wiggled the flashlight in her hand which lit up the clear space on the ground where she meant the girls to put the food they gathered. “Meeks, put your coat down. Picnic blanket.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks stood up from her place, handing Charlie her coat. “Yes ma’am.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Use Meeks’ coat</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Pitts said sweetly, mocking her friend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t keep anything back, either,” Charlie said, spilling the food she had on Meeks’ coat. There were some raisins, apples, chocolate cookies and a few buns.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Raisins?” Meeks asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Pitts said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie squinted her eyes, fingers catching on a bun. “Wait a minute, who gave us half a roll?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m eating the other one,” Nyssa said, mouth already full. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come </span>
  <em>
    <span>on</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Charlie whined. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What, you want me to put it back?” Nyssa asked her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori smiled nervously to herself, hugging her knees to her chest. She felt a little self-conscious — as if everyone were noticing she wasn’t speaking, as always. She looked around as the conversation carried on, her eyes meeting Nina’s.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As it turned out, the only one looking at her was Nina.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As the girls munched and lit Nina’s face up, she told them a story.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was a dark and rainy night, and this old man who had a passion for jigsaw puzzles sat by himself in his house at his table to complete a new puzzle.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina had a voice for telling stories, Tori concluded. It was easy to follow along. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As he pieced the puzzle together, he realized to his astonishment that the image that was formed was his very own room, and the figure in the center of the puzzle, as he completed it, was himself. And with trembling hands, he placed the last four pieces and stared in horror at the face of a demented madwoman at the window. The last thing that this old man ever heard was the sound of breaking glass.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The girls broke into shocked laughter, a few panicked cackles choked out of them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Holy shit,” muttered Nyssa. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is true, this is true,” Nina said as she sat down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve got one that’s even better than that,” Cameron said, standing up. “I do. There’s a young married couple and they’re driving through the forest at night from a long trip. They run out of gas and there’s a madman—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That thing with the hands?” Interrupted Meeks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And he cuts her husband’s head off?” Charlie asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As the girls continued to cut Cameron with their questions, Tori’s attention was shifted to Nina bumping their shoulders together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You good?” Nina asked her, voice low.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori found herself smiling at her roommate, exhaling a breath she didn’t know she was holding. “Yeah,” Tori said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But I love that story!” Cameron sighed, excited smile faltering. “Shit.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I told you that one,” Nyssa said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You did not,” Cameron replied. “I got that in, like, camp in sixth grade or something.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let me!” Pitts called, having found something in Keating’s book. “In a mean abode in the Shanking road / Lived a man named William Bloat / Now, he had a wife / The plague of his life /  Who continually got his goat. And one day at dawn / With her night shift on / He slit her bloody throat.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks leaned over to Pitts and took the book out of her hands, making a face at her laughing friend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, and it gets worse!” Pitts informed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After Charlie’s laughter quieted she stood up, a challenging smile on her face. “You wanna hear a real poem?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You want this?” Cameron asked, handing her the book. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie shooed it out of her face. “No, I don’t need it. Get this out of here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you bring one?” Pitts asked. “Did you memorize a poem?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t memorize a poem, Pittsie,” Charlie said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“An original piece by Charlotte Dalton,” Nina mused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“An original piece,” repeated Meeks. “Unbelievable.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know this is history, right? This is history.” Charlie cleared her throat loudly as she took out a folded piece of paper from her breast pocket, unfolding it slowly until she revealed a picture of a man in tight underwear lounging seductively on a bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The girls barked in laughter as Charlie kept on a straight face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Whoa!</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Nyssa called. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where did you </span>
  <em>
    <span>get</span>
  </em>
  <span> that?” Cameron asked, still giggling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie flashed them a grin before looking back to her paper. “Teach me to love? / Go teach thy self more wit / I chief Professor am of it. The God of Love / If such a thing there be / May learn to love from me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wow,” Nina breathed out. “Did you write that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie winked to girls as they began applauding, breaking the impressed and stunned silence in the cave. Charlie flipped her page to show the girls the poem she scribbled on it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Abraham Crowley,” she said before folding the paper and putting it again in her pocket. “Okay. Who’s next?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A few minutes later the book was in Nina’s hands, her words filling the dark cave as she read Tennyson out to them. After her Meeks read aloud, tapping her leg against the ground as she did. After she finished the poem she read it again, the girls making out noises at the rhythm she read in, Nyssa improvising a drum from something that sat in the cave for who knew how long.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>On Meeks' third reading, the girls joined Meeks reciting the verse, walking in a circle in small steps with hunched backs as Nyssa drummed, some making strange noises to add to the melody. They wandered out of the cave like that, chanting, adrenaline pumping their veins despite the many hours they spent outside.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they left the misty woods and came closer to the building they ran silently, hoods up like when they left earlier that night. Upon returning to her and Nina’s dorm, Tori found a new sense of belonging settling in her that wasn’t there when they left their room earlier that night.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>second chapter, yayyy<br/>the next one will be up soon, too :) let me know what you thought about it !!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>In English class the morning later, the girls felt electrified despite their lack of sleep. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A man is not very tired, he is exhausted,” Keating said. “And don’t use ‘very sad’, use — Come on, Ms. Overstreet, you twerp.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Morose?” Nyssa offered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Exactly, morose,” Keating agreed. “Now, language was developed for one endeavour, and that is? Ms. Anderson, come on, are you a girl or an amoeba?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating stood in front of Tori’s desk, his eyes watching her in a way that made her shift uncomfortably in her chair. She met his gaze, opening her mouth in a failed attempt to answer him, no words coming out of her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating’s grin faltered into a smile, his eyes wordlessly drifting from her ahead. “Ms. Perry?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“To communicate,” Nina answered hesitantly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. To </span>
  <em>
    <span>woo women</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Keating said, the classroom breaking into a fit of giggles. “Today we’re going to be talking about William Shakespeare.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh. God,” Charlie sighed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. A lot of you look forward to this about as much as you look forward to root canal work,” Keating said. “We’re gonna talk about Shakespeare as someone who writes something very interesting. Now, many of you have seen Shakespeare done very much like this,” he raised his hand as if he was holding a skull in his grip, snarling and continuing in a low raspy voice, “O, Titus, bring your friend hither.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He dropped his hand and looked back to the students, returning to himself. “But if any of you have seen Mr. Marlon Brando,” he shifted, beginning to mimick his posture and speech, “You know Shakespeare can be different. Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can also imagine John Wayne as Macbeth going,” Keating continued, imitating him as well, “Well is this a dagger I see before me?” He shoved away an imaginary dagger, and the girls laughed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>On Tori’s third Wednesday night at Hell-ton, she returned from her weekly call to her parents as exhausted as those calls always left her. She was ready to just sit down on her desk and occupy herself with geography, surprised to see Nina still in the room as there was a study-group going on that night in the lounge.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina was just on her way leaving when she noticed how drained Tori was. Nina decided to stay in the warmness of their dorm with Tori — for she could at least help Tori distract herself from what was weighing her down even if she didn’t share with Nina what it was. That was what good roommates did.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Tori finally broke into a smile for the first time that evening, Nina felt herself ease. It was all it took. Tori’s smile — crooked, shy, ridiculous, flustered. There was an awful lot of happiness tucked in the corner of that nervous smile, and Nina couldn’t help but feel it spill on her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>From then on, Wednesday night became their own private study group. They would spend their evening together, sprawled on their beds and chatting occasionally, sometimes their good-natured banter turning into something deeper and meaningful.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori didn’t think it’ll be so easy, having a roommate in Hell-ton. Having a roommate such as Nina, who was nothing like anyone Tori knew at Balincrest. None of the Dead Poets were.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At first, it was hard to breathe around Nina — she reminded Tori achingly of her sister, then she reminded Tori achingly of her queerness — but one day Tori exhaled at Nina’s side, and ever since it seemed like being with Nina was the easiest thing she could do.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>One night, Tori woke up in cold sweat. She had no idea what the time was, for half a moment even forgetting where she laid from how shaken she was. Tilting her head to the left, she saw Nina’s figure sleeping on her bed, the moonlight entering through the window drenching her in its heavenly glow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She tore her eyes from Nina as if she was burnt, closing her eyes tightly and putting her palms over her eyes, putting pressure on her face as she let out a choked sigh. The remainings of her dream haunted her mind, full of the girl sleeping blissfully on the other side of the room. Tori was half-persuaded that her heart was going to either pound straight out of her chest and through the roof or shake the whole building to its core.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After what felt like ten minutes of laying in her bed and staring up to the ceiling with her thoughts not quieting down their roar, she finally rose from the bed. She moved around the room on her tiptoes, making as least creaks on the wooden floor as humanly possible before finding her coat on in the dark.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She left the dorm, closing the door behind her without even putting on socks. The floor was cold beneath her feet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She tossed the guarding dog some treats before deciding to walk up the roof in search of fresh air. She was surprised, to say the least, when she arrived on the roof and was met with the sight of Meeks already there, smoking contently by herself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello,” Tori managed awkwardly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” Meeks said back, equally surprised. “Wanna join?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori sat down beside Meeks, looking down at the reflection of the moon over the dark lake. She was reminded of Sappho’s words from Come Closer, </span>
  <em>
    <span>what was my mad heart dreaming of?</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>God, how was Tori supposed to return to her dorm like that?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you up here?” Tori asked Meeks, forcing her thoughts away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks looked a little surprised that Tori opened her mouth, as if she thought they were just going to sit there in silence until Meeks would run out of cigarettes to smoke. “Pitts doesn’t let me sleep with her snores. I only manage to fall asleep if I’m exhausted, you know? So I just wait until I get tired enough.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Tori asked, a short disbelieving cackle spilling out of her. “Doesn’t that, like, mess up your whole sleep schedule or something?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks shrugged at that. “I have the whole weekend to set it straight.” She drew a long breath with her cigarette, blowing the smoke out of her nose. “What about you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about me?” Tori asked dumbly, wiping sleep from her eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Does Nina keep you awake at night too?” Meeks asked, voice light and in no way </span>
  <em>
    <span>knowing</span>
  </em>
  <span> — it wasn’t possible that Meeks had any idea of the truth behind her joke. Still, Tori choked on her breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” she spluttered quickly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thankfully, Meeks left it at that. They stayed up there for a long period of time, Tori wasn’t sure how long — time felt altered to her in the early hours of the morning. They talked idly, sitting comfortably with each other as Tori slowly began to feel like a person again. Her mind didn’t linger on the dream that jolted her awake, on the girl in her dream — two floors down. Her roommate, her friend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori had many nights in which she woke up in ungodly hours, unable to fall back asleep. Whether it was because of Nina or because of her anxiety, it had occurred often. Meeks was up on the roof nearly every time Tori went there, and the company was a comfort for both of them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Someday in late October, Keating stood up on his desk during class. “Why do I stand here? Anybody?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“To feel taller,” Charlie propped.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.” Keating used his foot to ring the bell on his desk, smiling. The girls had already grown familiar with the action. “Thank you for playing, Ms. Dalton. I stand upon my desk to remind myself that we must constantly look at things in a different way.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turned on the desk, making a slow twirl as the class watched him. “You see, the world looks very different from up here. Come see for yourself. Come on.” Charlie was the first to rise from behind her desk, Nina being the second. “Come on. Just when you think you know something, you have to look at it in another way. Even though it may seem silly or wrong, you must try.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina joined Keating up the desk, a line of students standing behind her for their turn to step up. Keating hopped down the desk and looked up to Nina who stood tall, a smile dimpling her face as she gazed around the classroom.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now, when you read, don’t just consider what the author thinks,” Keating said. “Consider what </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> think.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina stepped down, Charlie walking up the desk behind her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Girls, you must strive to find your own voice,”  As Keating spoke, Charlie hopped down. Meeks took her place. “Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all, and women had been silenced for far too long.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The students took turns, all of the class now in line behind Keating’s desk. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thoreau said, ‘Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.’ Don’t be resined to that. Break out. Don’t just walk off the edge like lemmings, look around you. There! There you go, Ms. Preskie. Thank you, yes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The bell rang over their heads and Keating began packing his bags as the handful of remaining girls continued waking up his desk. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dare you strike out and find new ground. Now, in addition to your essays, I would like you to compose a poem of your own. An original work,” Keating said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The class groaned as Keating opened the classroom door. He mimicked their whines as he flickered the light off and on a few times, Pitts sighing as she hopped off his desk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s right,” Keating said, leaving the light on as he stood in the doorstep. “You have to deliver it aloud in front of the class next Thursday. Bonne chance, ladies.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The girl before Tori headed off the desk, and Tori rose on top of it, the last in line. She looked down the classroom before hopping off, unaware of Keating leaning back inside the classroom after having strode off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ms. Anderson?” He called. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori nearly toppled off the desk as she looked at him.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t think that I don’t know that this assignment scares the hell out of you, you mole,” he said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori looked to her feet, cheeks heating up in embarrassment. She let out a shaky breath as Keating left the classroom, turning off the light as he did. Tori closed her eyes, jumping off the desk. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We got it, Pittsie, we got it!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pitts grinned as she climbed up the roof, a copy of an engineering magazine in her back pocket. She crouched next to Meeks who sat by their radio with earbuds on her ears. Meeks wore a dark blue beanie, covering a mass of her fiery curls.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Radio Free America,” Meeks grinned.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Down in the yard, girls fenced through the woods, playing soccer on the grass by the lake. Upon the roof, Pitts and Meeks danced wildly, high on their success. The earbuds were now on Pitts as the pair danced, not caring for how they looked, losing themselves in the movement and the faint singing. The music had never sounded so sweet!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Inside her dorn, Tori struggled to write her poem for English. The words flowed out of her easily enough — a fairly surprising affair, as she didn’t seem to have </span>
  <em>
    <span>any</span>
  </em>
  <span> way with words up until then — but the weight of the knowledge that she will eventually read it out in front of her class was weighing on her. As a result, there were a few crumpled papers by her on the bed as she leaned against the wall and attempted to write another poem. Nothing seemed to be good enough, to remain secretive enough, to make Keating satisfied enough.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori frowned to herself as she erased one of the words she felt dissatisfied with when Nina opened the door to their room, nearly making Tori jolt in surprise with how deeply she had been caught in her own world.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori flipped her notebook as she looked up, trying to seem casual and not as if she was going through half-a-meltdown because of some stupid assignment. She shifted on the bed, crossing her spread legs as she smiled a little to Nina.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina ran inside with a greeting laugh and lingering eyes, grin wide as she quickly made her way to Tori’s bedside. She tossed a paper to Tori’s lap, sitting on her knees with her elbows on Tori’s bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I found it,” Nina said, practically glowing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Found what?” Tori asked as she took a look at the paper. It was a flyer of some sort. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What I want to do right now,” Nina explained. “What’s really, really inside of me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>A Midsummer Night’s Dream</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” Tori read aloud.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina nodded happily. “This is it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina laughed teasingly, looking between Tori’s face and the flyer. “It’s a play, dummy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Tori stressed. “What does it have to do with you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, they’re putting it on at Henley Hall. Open tryouts. Open tryouts!” Nina’s grin grew as she repeated the words excitedly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori still didn’t seem to catch up. “Yes, so?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So—” Nina began, pounding her hands against Tori’s bed before standing up, spinning on her way to rise on her own bed. “I’m gonna act.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori found a smile spreading on her face as she watched Nina like that, eyes bright and gleaming with a spark she had yet to see before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aha!” Nina called, putting her blanket around her shoulder. A chuckle escaped Tori’s lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, I’m gonna be an actress! Ever since I remember, I’ve wanted to try this.” Nina rumbled in her joy, glowing bright like the full moon at night, not hurting Tori’s eyes but drawing her to keep her gaze as Nina jumped from her bed to the floor between them. “I even tried out for the summer stock auditions last year, but, of course, my father wouldn’t let me. For the first time in my whole life, I know what I want to do. And for the first time, I’m gonna do it!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina leaned closer to Tori, and Tori leaned closer too, basking in her friend’s happiness as she grinned back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whether my father wants me to or not,” Nina continued. “Carpe diem!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori didn’t want to be a kill-joy but she would hate watching Nina get all fired-up and for it to go downhill the next moment. She saw Nina already worked up before and didn’t want her to fall into disappointment after her expectations got high. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nina, Nina, hold on,” Tori said, voice soft. “How are you gonna be in a play if your father won’t let you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina’s head bobbed a little away, smile faltering. The spark in her eyes remained, but she looked steadier. “First, I gotta get the part, then I can worry about that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Won’t he kill you if he finds out you went to an audition and didn’t tell him?” Tori asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no no no,” Nina insisted. “As far as I’m concerned, he won’t have to know about any of this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s impossible,” Tori said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bullshit, nothing’s impossible.” Nina was frowning at her deeply, now worried and frustrated. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you just call him and ask?” Tori offered. “Maybe he’ll say yes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina threw the blanket off her shoulders. “That’s a laugh,” she spat, standing to throw the blanket on her bed. She put her hands in her pockets, looking out the window for a moment before bringing her eyes back to Tori, voice quieter. “If I don’t ask him, at least I won’t be disobeying him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, but if he said no—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jesus, Tori, who’s side are you on?” Nina lashed out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori was shaken from Nina’s harsh tone, finding herself unable to move. Her eyes were on Nina, the words stuck in her throat and heart hammering in her chest. She couldn’t bear looking at Nina’s face, tearing her gaze away, anxiety growing in the pit of her stomach. The silence was heavy around them, suffocating, and Nina’s eyes on Tori felt as sharp as blades.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina took the flyer from Tori’s lap and sat down on the heater. Tori couldn’t stop the rushing of her thoughts, the quickening chant of </span>
  <em>
    <span>I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up</span>
  </em>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, I haven’t even gotten the part yet,” Nina said, almost desperately. Tori couldn’t find what to say, too worried to hurt Nina even though she meant only well. “Can’t I even enjoy the idea for a little while?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Tori looked up to Nina in a brave moment she could see the sadness clear on Nina’s face. Was sadness something that lived inside of every girl? Deep in the marrow of their bones, just waiting to spurt out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina looked helpless and Tori could only manage to nod at her curtly, her smile coming out as tight as her twisted gut felt. She leaned back against the wall, pulling her notebook and pencil to her so she might as well pretend to work until she would merge with the wall and disappear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re coming to the meeting this afternoon?” Nina asked, all frustration gone from her voice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori didn’t look up from her notebook. “I don’t know. Maybe.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She could see Nina moving out of the corner of her eyes towards Tori, fingers drumming on the heater. “Nothing Mr. Keating has to say means shit to you, does it, Tori?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori tried not to sound offended. “What does that mean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re in the club,” Nina said, standing up and moving to stand in front of Tori, forcing Tori to look at her. “Being in the club means being stirred up by things. You look about as stirred up as a cesspool.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you want me out?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I want you</span>
  <em>
    <span> in</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” Nina leaned over the wall next to Tori’s bed, towering over her. “But being in means you gotta do something, not just say you’re in.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori was growing more and more frustrated with Nina’s words. </span>
  <em>
    <span>She just didn’t understand</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “Well, listen, Nina, I appreciate the concern, but I’m not like you, all right? You say things and people listen. I’m not like that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t you think you could be?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori was taken aback by Nina’s sincerity. “No. I…” She looked away from Nina’s face down to her hands. “I don’t know, but that’s not the point. The point is that there’s nothing you can do about it. So you can just butt out. I can take care of myself just fine. Alright?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She looked back up to Nina to show her how serious she was. Nina’s lips were parted as she leaned her forehead against the wall, watching Tori with an unreadable expression.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” Nina said simply.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean, no?” Tori asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her shoulders began releasing some of the tension she hadn’t even noticed she was holding. Nina’s attentive face slowly broke into a smile, her eyes dancing playfully to the side before settling back on Tori. She shrugged a bit, almost giddy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A question lingered on Tori’s tongue: </span>
  <em>
    <span>why?</span>
  </em>
  <span> She was too stunned to stop Nina when she grabbed Tori’s notebook from her lap, jolting to stand on her own bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori was shaken from her foggy state of mind, rushing after Nina. “Give me — Nina, give that back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is this? </span>
  <em>
    <span>We are dreaming of a—</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Nina ran from her bed to the floor and up Tori’s bed, jumping over furniture as Tori chased her in a circling game of cat and mouse. “What is this? I’m being chased by Walt Whitman!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori collided with Nina and the two hit the wall, now standing on Tori’s bed. A laugh escaped Tori’s lips and she failed to grab her notebook before the grinning Nina ran ahead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, okay,” Nina laughed, not slowing down, cheeks flushed from laughing or running or something more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The door to their dorm flung open, Cameron entering while waving her chemistry book around. “What are you guys doing? I’m trying to study—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina grabbed Cameron’s chemistry book and returned to her running. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, give me— Nina, give it back, don’t be immature,” Cameron called, rushing after Nina, Tori behind her. “Come on, I need my—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t about her embarrassment over Nina reading her poem, she just felt free. Jumping around, laughing unapologetically without a crushing sense of worry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie stood in the doorway, waving her hand. “Give it to me,” she urged Nina. “Give it to me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Charlie, help me!” Nina called before she threw the textbook up in the air. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cameron and Tori watched as the book flew from Nina’s grip to Charlie’s, Charlie catching it easily. Cameron broke her initial pace, jumping towards Charlie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Grab that book!” Cameron began. “I need—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie threw the book to Tori before Cameron reached her, Tori tossing it ahead. The book got tossed in the air between hands, never reaching Cameron, laughter feeling the room as Nyssa joining them too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie started playing a wooden flute and other seniors began flooding inside the room to watch the ongoing mess and cheer, Nyssa grabbing the darbuka from one of the girls’ hands and drumming it as she joined the running over the furniture in the tiny dorm. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>On Wednesday night, Nina laid sprawled on Tori’s bed as she read one of the books out of Tori’s pile, waiting for Tori to finish her history homework at her desk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you done yet?” Nina asked her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Soon,” Tori muttered distractedly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina rolled from laying on her back to lean against her elbows, letting the book close beside her. Her feet dangled in the air above her, making sure not to touch Tori’s pillow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What did you think about dinner tonight?” Nina asked. She was referring to Nyssa gushing about Cris loudly as they ate, telling the girls of how she snuck outside on her bike while wearing her nicest clothes to see Cris after his football game. Sadly, Cris was too occupied with Celia Danbury to even notice she was there. “It’s really sort of endearing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori shrugged. “A little. I don’t know. Why do you find it so amusing?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mostly because I’ve never actually been with a guy, I guess,” Nina mused. “It’s almost like we’re experiencing it through her, no?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe,” Tori cackled, pushing her closed notebook aside. “Are you sad?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sad?” Nina asked, her eyebrows furrowing as she smiled in confusion.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That you haven’t been with anyone,” Tori said quietly. She didn’t have the courage to add, </span>
  <em>
    <span>me neither.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I don’t think so. Maybe, like, the intimacy, but it’s not like there’s a guy out there I’m thinking about at night.” Nina cackled to herself, and Tori felt stripped naked. But Nina didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span>, there was no way for her to know. “It’ll be nice to have someone like that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori raised her eyes from where she avoided Nina’s gaze, now meeting her eyes. “Maybe you should open your heart,” she said, voice quiet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina’s brown eyes held her in her place and Tori grew confused. It was then that she understood she had liked Nina for much longer than she knew. That her dreams weren’t just silly few-timed things. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina nodded, gaze unwavering. “If it’s the right person.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori initially feared the reason behind her dreams, but now, something else bothered her more: how there was nothing she could do about it. Because if the wrong person found out, she would surely be expelled. Or possibly — even worse — what if Nina found out, and never talked to her again? Nina, brilliant and amazing Nina, was her closest friend, and Tori couldn’t bear the thought of losing her like that. Or alternatively, what if Nina already knew? Had she already figured out Tori’s feelings for her, and simply kept quiet because she pitied Tori and didn’t want to hurt her?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori was sure, unfortunately, that her actions towards Nina were not subtle, and she wouldn’t be surprised if Nina already knew. It had been only a month and a half since school began, and Tori often caught herself, lost in thought, staring at her during class. Charlie had given her a look, once or twice, as if to say that she knew — that she had figured Tori out. But if she did know anything, she kept quiet about it, much to Tori’s relief.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then there were times when Tori would look at Nina, and Nina would look back at her, and she allowed herself, for just a moment, to imagine that Nina felt the same way. But she never let herself become too hopeful. Nothing good would ever come of that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now was one of those times. And, fortunately, Tori was a coward.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you like the book?” Tori muttered, letting her eyes drop on her book Nina left on her bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina’s head tilted to her side, looking at the book as well before ruffling her hair. “Yeah,” she said, voice quiet. “I’m, uh, going to the town on Friday with Charlie. Ginsberg’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>The Yage Letters</span>
  </em>
  <span> is out and we want a copy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ginsberg?” Tori asked her, meeting Nina’s eyes in a short moment of courage before looking down again. “As in, Allen Ginsberg? The poet?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina hummed in acknowledgment. Tori could see her sitting up from the side of her eyes and leaning against the wall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Isn’t he a pedophile?” Tori asked before she could stop herself. Her eyes flew to Nina immediately in embarrassment only to find Nina’s laughing response.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“God, I don’t know,” Nina wheezed. “Maybe?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori laughed quietly at that, settling in her chair comfortably again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He had this… this phrase, that he and his close friend — Carr, I think — said to each other in their days in CU.” Something flashed across Nina’s face, lovely and vulnerable and mesmerizing. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>First thought, best thought.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What does that even mean?” Tori asked, smiling a little. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina shrugged. “I don’t know. But doesn’t it sound nice?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Keating wore a hat on his head and held a bag of balls over his shoulder, walking through the yard with a whistle around his neck and the seniors following him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now, the devotees may argue that one sport or game is un-ladylike or some other bull. For me, sport is actually a chance for us to have other human beings push us to excel.” Keating stopped in his place, turning to the girls after he put down the balls on the grass. On the benches next to him he laid the briefcase he tucked beneath his arm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ms. Meeks, time to inherit the earth,” Keating said. He pulled a block of paper out of his coat, ripping one of them and handing it to Meeks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He brought the rest of the block to Spaz. “I want you to hand these out to the girls, one apiece.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After around five minutes, the girls were ready in a line, each holding a piece of paper in their fist. Keating blew his whistle, and Pitts, who stood first in line, looked down to her paper, squinting as she read the words. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know what to do, Pitts,” Keating called from where he stood by the bench. He put one of the balls a few feet from where he stood so it’ll be in line with the girls. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pitts looked down at her paper again. “O to struggle against great odds. To meet enemies undaunted,” she said hesitantly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sounds to me like you’re daunted,” Keating responded. “Say it like you’re undaunted.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pitts straightened her posture. “O to struggle against great odds. To meet enemies undaunted,” she said, now louder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now go on!” Keating urged.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pitts ran forward, kicking the ball with as much force as she managed.   </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes!” Keating called happily. “Next.” He put another ball in the place of the former. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“To be a sailor of the world,” Hopkins read. “Bound for all ports.” She ran forward, kicking the ball.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Next! </span>
  <em>
    <span>Louder</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Keating requested.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The girl who stood behind Hopkins said, “O while I live to be the ruler of life. Not a slave.” She then ran, kicking the ball. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was Cameron’s turn. “To mount the scaffolds, to advance the to the muzzle of guns with perfect nonchalance!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As Cameron kicked the ball, Keating took out his vinyl player from his briefcase. It began playing an uplifting melody, resembling a marching song. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks was the first in line, looking around for Keating’s instruction on what to do, unsure if to proceed. She cleared her throat, and by the fact that she wasn’t disturbed she focused on her paper, letting the music guide her words to its rhythm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“To dance, clap hands, exult. Shout, skip, roll on, float on!” Meeks ran, kicking the ball.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes!” Keating cheered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The late autumn wasn’t warm against their skin but lit them up brightly regardless. It only helped their internal burning meet the air, wrapping them as they ran on the grass.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“O to have life henceforth,” Spaz read. “A poem of new joys.” She ran and tripped on her way, making the ball roll only a little bit before stopping.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go on, go back in line,” Keating instructed her. “Come on, Charlie, let it fill your soul!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie raised her hands up in the air as she yelled. “To indeed be a god!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nina ran up the stairs the dorms, practically jumping out of her skin. “Charlie, I got the part! Ha!” She banged on Nyssa’s door as she went forward. “I’m gonna play Puck!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Puck you!” Yelled someone down the hall.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna play Puck!” She called louder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina turned to face Pitts and Meeks who leaned out of their dorm, confused expressions sent her way in search of the reason behind the great noise she was causing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What did she say?” Pitts muttered to Meeks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa opened the door to her room, looking out equally confused. “Puck?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The main part!” Nina exclaimed, grinning widely as she jumped once in her place.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa’s expression broke into a proud smile. She ruffled Nina’s hair fondly. “That’s amazing, Nina!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina turned to the direction of her own dorm, eyes catching on Charlie and Cameron standing in their own doorstep and Tori leaning against the door of their dorm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Charlie, I got it,” Nina said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Congrats!” Cameron cheered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie squeezed Nina’s shoulder affectionately, grinning proudly at her. “Good for you, Nina!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina couldn’t recall a time in which she was ever as excited as she was in the moment she read her name on the board at Henley Hall. She turned from Charlie and Cameron to Tori, honey-hair muffled and blue eyes squinting in a warm smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina’s grin widened as she crashed Tori in a hug, practically vibrating against her in her excitement as they stumbled inside their dorm. A surprised breathy laugh escaped Tori and swelled Nina’s heart like it was the sweetest melody.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they parted Nina still clung to Tori, closing the door behind her with a kick. She looked down at Tori for a moment, truly breathing in her gentle beauty. Tori’s smile turned shy, her brows furrowing up a little bit, almost hopeful, and Nina was reminded of who she was and what had just happened to her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was like waking up, rushing from Tori’s soft touch to her desk, giddy when Tori eventually followed her and slumped on Nina’s bed beside her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, okay, okay,” Nina said to herself, adjusting the paper in her typing machine. She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down a little.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori’s elbow laid against Nina’s small desk, her chin resting on top of it as she gazed at Nina. “Nina, how are you gonna do this?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They need a letter of approval from my father and Mr. Nolan,” Nina replied as she typed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not gonna write it,” Tori said, more a question than a statement. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina turned to her with a new smile, eyebrows raised a little. “Oh, yes, I am.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, Nina,” Tori sighed fondly, “You’re crazy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina looked to her again, leaning forward sharply and running her hand over Tori’s cheek, laughing bubbly. Tori was stunned when Nina took her hand to type again, resuming in her writing as if nothing had occurred. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori let out a breathy chuckle of surprise as Nina continued her typing, legs jittering on the ground. Tori began to smile a little despite her worry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” she said, breathless. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“‘I am writing to you on behalf of my daughter, Nina Perry,’” Nina read, her slow words mixing with the rhythm of her typing. She looked up again to Tori, squeezing her eyes shut as she grinned. “This is great!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Night had already fallen when Tori went over her scribbled poem in her dorm. The building was quiet, as everyone was either already dozing off or in the midst of study-group mixed with board-games.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina herself was off with Charlie doing something reckless enough that Charlie would be satisfied with their mischief while also responsible enough as to not be caught. Meanwhile, Tori treaded around the room slowly, murmuring her poem under her breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her quiet words filled the chilly night as she began reading with a small smile, her face turning sour as she came to finish it. She tore the scribbled page out of her notebook, crumpling it into a ball in a fit of frustration before throwing it away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Around her desk were around a dozen or so ruined poems she wasn’t satisfied with just quite. With a sigh, she crashed into her bed face-first. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was a normal afternoon, spent by Tori reading out on the grass as she shamelessly tried to avoid her troubling thoughts. She laid on her side, leaning against her right elbow as she held open the book, still in her tie and button-up shirt tucked into her dark high-waisted pants. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was caught deep in Louisa May Alcott’s striking conversation between Jo and Laurie as Jo turned down his proposal when suddenly a block of pages was thrown in her face, causing her to straighten up in surprise. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was met with Nina’s dimpled smile and stretched hand, waiting for Nina to cross the distance between them and join her as she stood. She would that time, and she would again — for as long as Nina would ask her to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Nina</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Tori whined, meaning to scold but coming off more fond than she wanted to. With a roll of her eyes, she took Nina’s hand, letting herself be pulled up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to go over my lines,” Nina told her. “And I’d love a partner.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori made an impressed face. “Sounds charming.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina’s smile widened at that. “Join me,” she said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“In a moment,” Tori replied, wiping the remaining of grass from the side of her blazer and pants. Nina hummed at her side, almost impatiently. “Here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So much better,” Nina said, nodding with a serious face. “You look so sharp now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori pushed her away, making Nina stumble on her feet as she laughed. “Shut up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They began their walk down to the lakeshore. The days were turning colder and colder as winter approached, and soon their mere blazers wouldn’t be enough to shield them and their coats would be in use even throughout the daytime. Nina replayed some of her lines, reading out from the script she now held in her hand but just moments ago threw in Tori’s face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gah, I love this,” Nina said dreamily. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What, me?” Tori asked, cheeks heating up a little despite her cheeky remark. Never mind how hard she tried, she couldn’t grow out of her shyness. Even with how comfortable she felt around Nina. Maybe it wasn’t just a coping mechanism anymore, but one of her personality traits. Tori Anderson — the quiet chick.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori didn’t expect Nina to stumble over her words as she did. “No,” she stammered, “Acting is — it’s one of those wonderful things in the world! Most people are lucky enough to find one thing exciting in life, right? Well, acting’s mine! If I get the parts I could live </span>
  <em>
    <span>dozens</span>
  </em>
  <span> of great lives.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, yes,” Tori nodded. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>To be or not to be, that is the question</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina jumped up in the air, laughter spilling out of her. She bumped her shoulder with Tori’s, making a cackle escape Tori’s lips. When they reached the shore they took off their shoes and socks, rolling up the ends of their pants. Despite the freezing water they stood inside, the water brushing their ankles.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori held the script in her hand, trying to both read out the lines of the character talking to Nina as well as not missing a glimpse of Nina’s acting. “Either I mistake your shape or making quite, or else you are that shrewd and knavish sprite Called Robin Goodfellow.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori could almost pinpoint the moment Nina got in-character. “Thou speak’st aright;” Nina continued, “I am that merry wanderer of the night. I jest to Oberon and make him smile when I fat and bean-fed horse, beguile.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori didn’t even understand half of these words. For a brief moment, Nina stopped her speech, reaching to touch Tori’s face gently. She cupped Tori’s cheek like a drop of water going down the windowsill, and Tori was quite certain nothing like that was written in the script. Still, she wouldn’t dare look away from Nina then. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t like that time when Nina touched Tori’s cheek, high on her excitement as she fabricated a letter to Nolan. This time Nina’s eyes were solely on Tori — watching, seeing, knowing, like the stages of falling in love.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Neighing in likeness of a filly foal,” Nina continued, her words a little tight. “Sometimes lurk I in a gossip’s bowl, in very likeness of a roasted crab, and when she drinks, against her lips I bob and on her wither’d dewlap pour the ale.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori could hardly breathe, with the sun rays falling over Nina’s frame just so, lighting through her dark hair. She was made out from the stuff of poetry. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tori and Nina sat on Tori's bed, their backs pressed together so that Tori faced her desk and Nina faced the window. Their papers and books were arranged around them and crumpled sheets bearing discarded drafts of Tori's poem littered the floor along with little bits of rubber from Nina's eraser. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The clouds had curtained the sky so their room was lit merely by the yellow glow of the lamp, unaccompanied by the usual white light of the moon.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe you should tell your dad about the play,” Tori said for the umpteenth time. Her voice was slowly growing steadier around Nina. Still, whenever it faltered (as it often did), Nina never rushed her to finish her train of thought more quickly than she managed. Tori couldn’t connect the same acceptance with her own family.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a pause as Nina carefully erased a sentence from her essay. “Tori, I'm not gonna do that. It would ruin everything, so let's just leave it, okay?” She asked her firmly, brushing the remains of the eraser off the bed. “Here, can you read the last paragraph? I can look over your poem.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori exhaled heavily but twisted herself slightly to accept Nina's notebook and reluctantly surrender her own. The room returned to its quiet state for half a minute.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well… hypothetically then,” Tori said as she added a semicolon to one of Nina's sentences, “What would happen if you did tell your father?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I said I'm not—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hypothetically.” Tori pressed. “You know, what... what if?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina’s head slumped against Tori’s shoulder as she sighed, and Tori could feel Nina’s soft brown hair against her neck. She drew in a quiet breath as Nina gathered her thoughts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hypothetically,” Nina finally said, stretching the word on her tongue. “Completely hypothetically, if I told my father... he wouldn't be happy. You know, I've got to make my mother proud, and wasting my time in a play, even one by Shakespeare…” Nina chuckled bitterly. “He would probably force me out of it, or even worse, Welton. And if I weren't at Welton, I would never see you again. Nor Charlie, or any of the others.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori nodded slowly and let the subject drop as Nina straightened her back from slumping against her, passing her notebook back to Tori and lazily taking her own.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before Nina turned back to lean against her she flashed her a small smile. “That’s a really good poem, Tori. You should read it at the next meeting,” she suggested, as she always did.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It's no good,” Tori insisted, as she always did. She frowned and ripped the page out of her notebook, crumpling it into a tight ball. She threw it across the room, watching it hit the wall and come to rest on Nina's bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina hummed and threw her notebook in a more gentle arc, Tori watching its movement as it landed with a small thump right next to Tori's poem.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, when will you ever read?” Nina asked her, pressing a little against her back as she stretched her arms over her head. “You know it doesn't have to be your own.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori shifted uncomfortably, gathering the pieces of paper that had collected around her, no longer able to steer the conversation away from herself with their homework.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nina, I thought… I thought we agreed to leave this alone,” Tori said, sighing a little. “I can't — I'm not going to read.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, hypothetically, remember?” Nina tried.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And although Tori was facing the opposite wall and couldn't see Nina's face, she could hear Nina’s cheeky smile. She wanted to see it but had no courage to turn around and face her when Nina pressed the matter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nina,” Tori began, a weak protest carried in the air around them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina remained quiet, unresponding in the silence of their dorm. Without Nina’s eyes in Tori’s sight — or hands, or dimples, or mouth — Tori found herself gathering her courage. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, hypothetically… maybe I'll read — When I’ll know, when I’ll find…” Tori trailed off, mumbling the last words so softly she wasn’t quite sure if Nina could even make them out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But of course Nina was there to amaze her with her attentiveness once more. “Find what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori shut her eyes closed. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh god, oh god</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “Nothing,” she said quickly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hypothetically, then,” Nina retorted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That's not how hypothetically works,” Tori protested, fidgeting with the pencil in her hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So? Find what?” Nina asked her, honey-voiced. She reminded Tori of one of Sappho’s poems. “Find the… courage?”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Girl sweetvoiced / Far more sweetsounding than a lyre / Golder than gold. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>At the thought of Sappho’s words, Tori’s hands began sweating. She shook her head. “F-forget I said anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina fell quiet for a long moment, unaware of Tori’s racing thoughts. Tori almost thought Nina had tried to listen in on them — they were definitely loud enough for her to hear — when she finally responded: “Fine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori allowed herself to relax again against Nina’s body, but that was caught short when Nina spoke up again, apparently unable to keep from guessing a couple more times. “Find the right poem? Find the right guy? Find—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori tensed in her place, her gut twisting uneasily at Nina’s words. She hated her reaction, hated how she felt like a deer caught in the headlights. She closed her eyes forcefully and prayed Nina didn’t notice any of it, but with their backs pressed together, Tori knew it was false hope.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A guy?” Nina cackled. “Really? I thought that was Nyssa's thing,” she teased, her voice quiet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They aren't really my thing,” Tori blurted, horror dawning on her as the realization settled about the words she uttered.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No, no, no, no, no, no. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Her heart was stuck in her throat as she clapped a hand over her mouth, a failed attempt to stop the confession that was already out in the open. She felt like screaming, banging her head against the wall, fleeting out of the room and into the forest never to be found. She was frozen to her place, every strong impulse in her raging to commit itself as she sat still in mortification.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Every part of Tori prayed to any deity that might exist that Nina didn’t hear, didn’t understand her and the gravity of her words. The suffocating silence in their warm dorm signalled Tori that despite her wishful thinking, it was not the case. If her words weren’t clear enough, then her settling panic and reaction were the grand indicators to her weighing honesty.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is… this is all hypothetical,” Tori managed nervously, hands trembling out of Nina’s sight in her lap.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>God, what had she done?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah…” Nina breathed out slowly, sounding completely unconvinced. And how could Tori blame her? “Hypothetical.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori's grip tightened around her pencil as they sat in silence for thirteen seconds — Tori counted. She had just come to the conclusion that Nina would never look at her again when Nina spoke up quietly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hypothetical,” she repeated vaguely.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“C-completely,” Tori choked, nodding.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina sounded like her thoughts were carrying her far away. Tori couldn’t make out what Nina was going to do with that information about her, and she felt utterly hopeless. Could it be that their newfound friendship was going to waste over such a thing Tori so completely hated about herself, so much more so than Nina probably did? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All of this is theoretical,” Nina said in what sounded nothing like finality. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” Tori replied, something close to relief but not quite beginning to settle down on her twisting heart. Could it be that Nina was just… going to let it slide?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina fell quiet again, but Tori stayed in her place, not daring to move. She couldn’t possibly take the risk of breaking the empathic spell that made Nina stop herself from lashing out and ratting to Nolan that Tori was one of those so-called homosexuals. Tori squirmed silently. No matter what good of a person Nina was and how greatly Tori viewed her, she knew it didn’t take much to turn even the best women against her once that newfound information about her would be revealed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At least that was how it came to be in Balincrest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After another long stretching silence, Nina broke it again. “Then — hypothetically, what if…” She began, Tori very nearly missing the way the words trembled on their way to her ears. “What if… guys… aren't my thing either?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There it was, out in the open. Nina’s confession whispered through teeth gritted in shame and frustration and gratitude. Tori’s breath hitched, fists clenching as she stared wide-eyed ahead of her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She turned around fully, sitting cross-legged in front of Nina who looked at her with a worried frown. She still wore her reading glasses, round and big on her nose.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you know?” Nina asked her sharply, soft eyes turned frightened. An accusation. Tori imagined she looked pretty much the same.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was still very much struck by lightning when she finally managed to answer. “No.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then why did you tell me that?” Nina asked, voice growing quieter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t mean to,” Tori muttered, half-ashamed. Her eyes dropped to the mattress between them, heart beating quickly against her ribs. It was almost hard to breathe.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the silence that settled between them, Tori felt naked in a way she never did before. Her coming out was more real than averting her eyes at the joint showers late at night or classmates suspecting her queerness and spreading the word as far as the wind could take it. It was her admitting the inevitable, and funnily enough, it was with the girl who she couldn’t seem to keep out of her thoughts in ungodly hours. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And even more absurdly, the very same girl had stuttered her way into the same confession.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori’s jaw unclenched as her shoulders slowly dropped, letting go of their stored tension. From the side of her eyes, she could make out Nina taking off her glasses and putting them on the windowsill before settling back on Tori’s bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the silence, Nina’s hand met hers on the bed, skin warm and soft against Tori’s palm. Her eyes shot up to Nina’s hesitant gaze, though Nina’s grip on her was everything but tentative. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina shot her an uncertain lopsided smile. “Well, there’s that,” she said, squeezing her hand over Tori’s gently as if it meant everything she wanted to say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Tori sort of got it, in an odd way. “There’s that,” she agreed, sighing. She let her head slump against Nina’s shoulder, smiling weakly as she breathed in her roommate’s familiar smell. “I’m even a bit glad.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, me too,” Nina admitted. After a moment or two, she brought her arms around Tori — hugging her tightly, closely.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next morning was </span>
  <em>
    <span>the</span>
  </em>
  <span> Thursday. Nyssa stood on the small stage at the front of their English classroom where Keating’s desk usually stood, which was now pushed aside to clear the view. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“To Cris,” Nyssa read.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating sat on the windowsill next to the front of the class, tapping on his cheek. “Who’s Cris?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie looked up from her desk with a smirk, exchanging a knowing look with Nina. “Mmm. Cris.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa stood still and tense, holding her notebook in her hands. “I see a sweetness in his smile. Bright light shines from his eyes. But life is complete, contentment is mine. Just knowing that…” She trailed off, cheeks flushed in embarrassment. A few giggles rose in the classroom, but she tried again anyway. “Just knowing that…” The snickers got louder. Nyssa closed her notebook tightly. “He’s alive.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa walked off the podium in frustration. “Sorry, Captain, it’s stupid.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no, it’s not stupid,” Keating said defiantly. He moved from his place against the window, squeezing Nyssa’s shoulder as she sat down in her seat. “It touched on one of the major themes: love. A major theme not only in poetry, but in life.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie leaned over her desk, clapping Nyssa’s back encouragingly. Nyssa’s sour frown faltered a bit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ms. Hopkins, you were laughing,” Keating said. “You’re up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hopkins stood up reluctantly, dragging her legs to the front of the room. “The cat sat on the mat,” she read, closing her notebook with a smirk as she walked off the podium. The class cackled and laughed quietly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Congratulations, Ms. Hopkins. You have the first poem to have a negative score on the Pritchard scale.” Keating stood in front of Hopkins’ desk, a playful smile on his face. “We’re not laughing at you, we’re laughing near you. I don’t mind that your poem had a simple theme. The most beautiful poetry can be about simple things like a cat, or a flower, or rain. You see, poetry can come from anything with the stuff of revelation in it. Just don’t let your poems be ordinary.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hopkins nodded a little, and satisfied, Keating made his way strolling back to the front of the class. “Now, who’s next?” He asked the class as he slowly walked to his place by the window. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>No one answered, most of the class having already read their own in front of the other students. Tori didn’t even know who was left beside her and she ducked her head low, praying Keating would forget about her and move on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her heart nearly beat out of her chest when Keating stopped at her desk.  “Ms. Anderson, I see you sitting there in agony.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori practically squirmed in her place, meeting Keating’s eyes with a deep frown, pleading Keating to just let it slide. She wasn’t creative enough, not brave enough. It wasn’t enough for Keating, who despite his softening expression, stood firm in his position. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, Tori, step up. Let’s put you out of your misery.” He gestured towards the stage.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori fidgeted in her place, swallowing her nerves down her tight throat. “I —  I didn’t do it. I didn’t write a poem.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating’s eyebrows raised, looking at the classroom as he took a step closer to Tori’s desk. “Ms. Anderson thinks that everything inside of her is worthless and embarrassing. Isn’t that right, Tori? Isn’t that your worst fear?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori couldn’t bring herself to react, not wanting to say anything from fear of being heard and not wanting to move from fear of being seen. She didn’t know what to do with herself, looking down at her desk while a few beats of silence passed over the class. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating finally broke it, understanding he wasn’t going to receive a response from Tori. “Well, I think you’re wrong. I think you have something inside of you that is worth a great deal.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating stepped up to the chalkboard, reading out as he wrote on it. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>I sound my barbaric yawp over the rooftops of the world.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori felt tears begin to prickle in her eyes and brought one of her hand to press pressure on her eye, breathing out quietly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“W.W., Uncle Walt again. Now, for those of you who don’t know, a yawp is a loud cry or yell. Now, Tori, I would like you to give us a demonstration of a barbaric yawp.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating looked at her again and Tori opened her mouth to protest but didn’t even know what to say. Keating moved from the podium down to Tori’s desk, urging her to join him. “Come on, you can’t yawp sitting down. Let’s go. Come on, up.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He gripped lightly at her forearm, not tight enough for her to be forced up. She was too tired to resist and let herself be dragged up to the stage, guided to stand in the middle of it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gotta get in a yawping stance,” Keating instructed her before moving to lean against the chalkboard behind her, his arms crossed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A yawp,” Tori said dryly, her eyes on the ceiling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating rushed to her side, shaking his head. “No, not just a yawp. A </span>
  <em>
    <span>barbaric</span>
  </em>
  <span> yawp.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, yeah, right.” Tori couldn’t wait for it to be over and return to her and Nina’s dorm and lie there until she stilled and died. God, how </span>
  <em>
    <span>embarrassing</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “Yawp.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, louder,” Keating said from behind her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori tried to control herself. “Yawp,” she said, a little louder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, that’s a </span>
  <em>
    <span>mouse</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Come on, louder.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Yawp</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Tori said, voice much louder that time than her usual speaking voice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating was at her side, turning her to face him so their profiles faced the class. “God, girl, yell like a woman!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yawp!” Tori yelled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There it is,” Keating said, voice smoother and calmer as he smiled. “You see, you have a barbarian in you after all.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He patted her shoulder and Tori began to step off the stage when Keating grabbed her again, turning her so they both faced the board. “No, you don’t get away that easy. There’s a picture of Uncle Walt up there.” He pointed towards the high right of the wall. “What does he remind you of? Don’t think, answer. Go on.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A madman,” Tori said reluctantly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What kind of madman?” Keating pressed. “Don’t think about it, answer again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A crazy madman,” Tori tried, then winced.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating was walking around her in a circle, making her spin slowly too as he continued. “You can do better. Free-up your mind, use your imagination. Say the first thing that pops into your head, even if it’s gibberish.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A sweaty-toothed madman,” Tori said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating halted to a sudden stop in front of Tori. “Good god, Anderson, there’s a poet in you after all. There, close your eyes. Close your eyes, close them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori didn’t do as her instructed and so Keating put one hand over her eyes and the other behind her neck, forcing the darkness upon her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now describe what you see,” Keating’s voice came.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori could feel Keating spin them slowly where she stood. “I close my eyes,” she began, her classmates’ gazes itching at her skin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes?” Keating asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And this image floats beside me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A sweaty-toothed madman,” Keating offered her, speeding up their pace.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori’s heart pounded against her ribs forcefully. “A sweaty-toothed madman with a stare that pounds my brain.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, that’s excellent,” Keating said. “Now give him action. Make him do something.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“His hands reach out and choke me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s it, wonderful,” spoke Keating. He took his hands off her face, and she stood there with her eyes closed, entirely focused as the words came out of her like the rising tide.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And all the time he’s mumbling.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s he mumbling?” Keating asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mumbling truth,” Tori spat. “Truth, like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tell me about the blanket.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can push it, stretch it, it’ll never be enough. You can kick at it, beat it, it’ll never cover any of us.” Tori’s breath was even as the words spilled out of her, frowning. “From the moment we enter crying to the moment we leave dying, it’ll just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She opened her eyes, acutely reminded of where she was. She was met with the silent classroom, Keating crouched at the base of the stage as he watched her with hands clasped and face intent. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>All eyes were on her and Tori felt too watched to move, to breathe, and her gaze slipped from Keating’s intense expression to the comfort of Nina’s features. Now she didn’t feel so watched anymore, she felt </span>
  <em>
    <span>seen</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Nina’s lips were parted, maybe in awe or surprise or sharp bewilderment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina was completely out of breath. She didn’t know what to do with it all — with Tori’s words, with her beating heart, with the sunlight lighting Tori up so heavenly as she stood on the stage like a perfectly composed statue. People like Tori deserved to be bronzed and placed out of public libraries, safe to eternity from the wretched passage of time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The class erupted in clapping and cheering, a roaring noise in contrast to Tori’s sharp words hanging in the air around them. Nina held her breath as Tori let out her own, facing breaking into a small smile directed solely at Nina. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating was right, Nina decided absent-mindedly. Poetry really could woo women, herself included. If she wasn’t already so intrigued by Tori alone then her way with words would have definitely been what dragged Nina down. Tori’s poetry was enough to make anyone fall in love.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The cheers went on, Tori melting comfortably as she finally accepted her place at the front of the classroom. She didn’t rush to move away to shield herself but stood there with a nervous smile, only her twitching fingers at her side reminding them of her nature — and how difficult it had been for her to reach that point.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating rose up to stand straight, putting a hand on Tori’s shoulder with a proud smile. “Don’t forget this,” he told her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She didn’t think any authority figure  — her parents included — had ever looked at her like that. Tori’s heart swelled, tears prickling in her eyes again for a completely different reason than earlier that lesson.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A few days later the girls found themselves spending a lazy afternoon on the field, their entire class wasting the Sunday bliss by playing soccer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Since improvising the poem on English class Tori seemed, even if she was still a quiet sort of girl, much more comfortable in her own skin. She was on the red team along with the rest of the Dead Poets, Keating applauding and cheering the girls on as he sat on the grass.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Tori had struck a goal against the yellow team she raised her arms in triumph, grinning, and Nina couldn’t possibly stop herself. She tackled Tori to the ground, causing the two of them to roll on the grass until they finally came to a stop, limbs tangled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina looked down at Tori with a grin before she felt her heart constrict and her pulse quicken, her vision clearing to view Tori —  cheeks flushed and a bright smile, hair ruffled from the fall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her excitement wasn’t caused by the rush of the game, different now than she felt before. New. Waiting to be explored. Nothing at all like what they had before and nothing like Nina had with Charlie or any of her other friends. She was actually very okay with that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina sat up from laying on Tori, blushing furiously and grinning still, heart racing. She stood up and helped Tori rise back to her feet, returning to the game after Tori shoved her playfully, a cackle escaping her lips. She loved seeing Tori like that — voice raising above its usual quiet tone, smile breaking wider than her usual shy one. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When the red team won at the end of the game, the Dead Poets lifted Keating up and carried him around campus, running and cheering as if they were carrying a trophy.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>okay so 1) i'll referenve kill your darlings bc it made the dark-academia-fulled-goblin in my heart flourish, 2) tori is a 60's Gay and therefore rereads the way jo turns laurie down every other day (that's lesbianism for you baby) and 3) tori's inner monologue is 90% made out of sappho's poetry sorry not sorry<br/>let me know what y'all thought about this chapter!! the next one will be up soon :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>They sat in the cave one Sunday afternoon, smoking out of some old pipes. Tori got the hang rather quickly for someone who didn’t usually touch cigarettes while Pitts on her side choked on the smoke, earning a loud laugh from Charlie. To pretty much everyone’s surprise, Meeks smoked her pipe like a pro. Slowly, the cave filled with fog and sun.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Atta girl, Pittsie, inhale sharply,” Charlie instructed, showing Pitts how to do it correctly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My dad collects a lot of pipes,” Meeks said from Pitts’ other side, blowing her smoke in rings.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really?” Cameron asked. “Mine’s got thirty.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your parents collect pipes?” Pitts asked in a fake-interested voice. “Oh, that’s</span>
  <em>
    <span> really</span>
  </em>
  <span> interesting.” She broke into laughter, Tori joining her in quiet cackles.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie looked to Nyssa who sat at the entrance of the cave, staring into space. “Come on, Nyssa,” she said from where she sat next to her feet. “Join in.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re from the government, we’re here to help,” joined in Meeks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong?” Pitts asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s Cris,” said Meeks in a sing-song voice, a smile playing at her lips. Pitts cackled, Cameron breaking into a fit of giggles.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not funny,” Nyssa said defensively, voice hoarse.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Knock it off,” Charlie said, kicking the base of Cameron’s leg with her foot. “Smoke your pipes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina entered the cave, stumbling inside so as to not walk over Nyssa. She held a big rusty lamp in her hand — old, covered in dust and absolutely horrid. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina made her way through the seated girls to sit between Pitts and Tori. “Friends, scholars, Welton women,” she greeted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What's that, Nina?” Meeks asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Duh, it’s a lamp, Stella,” Pitts said meanly in a way reserved only for Meeks, grinning. Meeks rolled her eyes, fighting a smile off her own face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” Nina began, “This is the goddess of the cave.” She pulled the body of the lamp out of the torn lampshade, revealing that at its base was a ceramic statue of a beautiful woman, her yellow hair being the place to insert the bulb.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The goddess of the cave?” Cameron repeated.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina opened her mouth to respond when Charlie blew the saxophone she brought with her. No one questioned the reason behind her bringing it, but now they all wished she would just </span>
  <em>
    <span>stop</span>
  </em>
  <span>. The noise she made was loud and sharp on the ears and Tori found herself wincing in surprise.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Charlie, what are you </span>
  <em>
    <span>doing</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” Meeks asked the moment Charlie moved her lips away from the saxophone. God, that was just plain awful.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you say we start this meeting?” Charlie asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori tried to control her cackle. Charlie, with all her glory and charisma, was one of the most attention-seeking people Tori had ever met. And she </span>
  <em>
    <span>loved</span>
  </em>
  <span> her for it, for her shameless way of acting. She just hoped it’ll never bite Charlie back in the ass. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I just need a light,” Nina said. “Who’s got a light?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who’s got earplugs?” Asked Nyssa, sulking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie stood up, her saxophone in hand as she walked to the middle of the cave, turning slowly to look at all of the girls. “Ladies, ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>Poetrusic</span>
  </em>
  <span>’ by Charlotte Dalton.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh boy,” murmured Cameron.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie began playing quickly, her melody coming off too airy and totally off-key. The girls laughed or winced or both. Nina sat down again by Tori, having put a — now lit — candle in the place of the lightbulb atop the proclaimed goddess of the cave. She flashed Tori a smile which Tori returned, not minding Charlie’s awful playing so much now, cheeks hot from either the pipe or the blooming sun. She ducked her head away, turning her attention back to Charlie, laughing along quietly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh no,” laughed Meeks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie still held the saxophone close to her face as she spoke. “Laughing, crying, tumbling, mumbling. Gotta do more. Gotta be more.” She went back to playing, putting her saxophone right into Pitts’ face, startling her as Pitts concentrated on lighting up her pipe again. Poor Pitts nearly jumped out of her own skin. “Chaos screaming, chaos dreaming. Gotta do more, gotta be more.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie returned to play again, her eyes fluttered shut softly. The sounds that came out of her saxophone were now tender and sweet-sounding, nothing like what she made before. Their laughter sank on the cave floor and they merely listened intently, smoking as they basked in Charlie’s (now) pleasant melody. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie swayed around as she played, slowly moving to stand in front of Nyssa. She lowered herself to crouch next to Nyssa, her playing dimming as her melody came to an end. When she was done she ruffled the miserable Nyssa’s hair, the other girls clapping, impressed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was nice,” Tori complimented with a small smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was great!” Pitts beamed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where did you learn to play like that?” Nina asked as Charlie sat back down in her place.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie put the saxophone back beside her, tapping it a little. “My parents made me take the clarinet for years.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I </span>
  <em>
    <span>love</span>
  </em>
  <span> the clarinet,” said Cameron.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I </span>
  <em>
    <span>hated</span>
  </em>
  <span> it. The saxophone, though,” Charlie mused, “The saxophone is more… sonorous.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cameron raised her eyebrows at that. “Ooh.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Vocabulary!” Meeks chuckled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina laughed a little. “Look at her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa stood up suddenly, throwing her pipe to the ground angrily. “I can’t take it anymore,” she snapped. “If I don’t have Cris, I’m gonna kill myself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Nyssa didn't need a boyfriend</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Tori thought to herself. </span>
  <em>
    <span>She needed a therapist.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nyssaxious, you’ve gotta calm down,” Charlie said, reaching her hand to Nyssa.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, Charlie,” Nyssa spit, getting more and more riled up. “That’s just my problem. I’ve been calm all my life. You’ve never been in love with someone you couldn’t be with. Someone you want to touch but you can’t, someone forbidden. Think of a room where there is nothing except the two of you but you still can’t touch him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori tried very hard not to think too deep on Nyssa’s words in the now silent cave, of what the girl with the thighs pressed to hers meant to her. Tried not to think of the heat between two hands about to touch, the language that existed in such a silence, the longing etched so deep in her that she was fairly certain that Nina’s name was written on the very marrow of her bones.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And now I’m gonna do something about that,” Nyssa said, drawing Tori forcefully back to reality. She stood up with a determined smile, getting ready to leave the cave.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you gonna do?” Nina asked her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna call him. Yeah,” Nyssa laughed excitedly, putting on her coat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The girls cheered and laughed at Nyssa as she left, hastily gathering their stuff up. Charlie played a jumpy melody on her saxophone that fit perfectly. They ran back to the school, rushing into the main building and stopping at the corner where the phone was put.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a short pep talk, Nyssa rang Cris’s number. The girls stood behind her, silently waiting for him to pick up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori could hear a faint, “Hello?” before Nyssa ended the call as if the headset burnt her hand. Nyssa let out a heavy sigh, looking back to the girls with a worried frown. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s gonna hate me,” Nyssa rambled. “The Danburrys will hate me. My parents will </span>
  <em>
    <span>kill</span>
  </em>
  <span> me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The girls didn’t respond. They knew it was Nyssa’s choice to make and that they had no say in it just like her parents didn’t have one, or like the goddamn Danburrys didn’t have one. It was Nyssa’s choice to make — her success to gloat in, her mistake to work through.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori noticed the encouraging smile Meeks offered Nyssa and made an effort trying to give her one too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa’s green eyes went over her friends, sighing eventually. “Alright, goddamnit. You’re right. Carpe diem.” She picked up the headset, ringing again. “Even if it kills me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori tilted her head to her left, smiling at Nina giddily. She was a little excited for Nyssa, honestly. Nina was very close to her, so much that Tori was engulfed in Nina’s warm body. She terribly wanted to sink into the comfort of Nina’s body against her own. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina was a very affectionate person, Tori reminded herself. She would always go for a hug or throw her hand over one of her friends’ shoulder, giving Charlie kisses on her cheek when Charlie got a particularly good grade. Tori shouldn’t be so startled every time Nina so much as leaned towards her, and yet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello?” The voice on the other end called again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa let out a quiet breath. “Hello, Cris?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi, this is Nyssa Overstreet,” Nyssa said, leaning her forehead against the phone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, yes, Nyssa. Glad you called.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa covered the phone, turning her head to whisper to her friends excitedly. “He’s glad I called!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The girls huddled closer to Nyssa, forming a sort of half-a-circle around her. Charlie moved to stand next to her, leaning against the phone, and Nina put her arm over Tori’s shoulder as she bit into her nail in worry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Listen, Celia’s parents are going out of town this weekend and she’s having a party,” Cris said over the phone. “Would you like to come?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would I like to come to a party?” Nyssa asked dumbfoundedly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, yes, yes,” Charlie whispered urgently.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Friday?” Cris asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well sure,” Nyssa said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Around seven?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, great,” Nyssa said breathily. “I’ll be there, Cris.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Cris said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Friday night at the Danburrys,” Nyssa repeated. “Okay, thank you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, bye.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you. I’ll see you. Bye.” Nyssa put the headset on its place by the phone, then slumped again the wall behind her. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Yawp</span>
  </em>
  <span>!” She roared.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The girls snickered at her, laughing, happy on her behalf. Cris sounded fairly sweet for a guy with a girlfriend. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you believe it?” Nyssa asked, close to a blissful sigh. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>He</span>
  </em>
  <span> was gonna call </span>
  <em>
    <span>me</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He invited me to a party </span>
  <em>
    <span>with him</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“At Celia Danburry’s house?” Charlie asked slowly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Nyssa said, smiling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie raised her eyebrows at her. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Well</span>
  </em>
  <span>?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So?” Nyssa asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you don’t really think he means you’re going with him, right?” Charlie asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa rolled her eyes, straightening from leaning against the wall. “Well, of course not, Charlie, but that’s not the point. That’s not the point at all.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is the point?” Charlie asked her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa nodded as she thought. “The point is, Charlie, is, uh…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie motioned with her hand to Nyssa, still waiting for an answer. “Yeah?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa turned into a love-sick goo again. “That he was thinking about me. I’ve only met him once, and already, he’s thinking about me. Damn it. It’s gonna happen, girls. I can feel it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa moved from the wall, walking past them before stopping a few steps later. “He is going to be mine,” she said confidently. She fixed her scarf pretentiously with a grin before turning her back, making her way to the exit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They laughed as she walked away, head in the clouds, Nina calling after her in a deep voice: “Carpe, carpe, carpe…” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sharing a room with the person you wanted most was like sharing a room with an open fire. Tori woke up before the sun rose, thinking to herself: </span>
  <em>
    <span>this will end in flames.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It was nearly four and a half in the morning when Tori rose from her bed, putting on her coat and scarf before wearing on her shoes and going up the roof. Meeks might already be asleep, she figured, but tried anyway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks was indeed there, laying on her back with her hands below her head as she gazed up to the stars. Tori greeted her quietly, Meeks murmuring to her in acknowledgment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori laid down next to her easily. The two of them had grown closer over the countless nights they spent up the roof together — the red-head was probably the only person beside Nina that Tori felt truly comfortable with.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re here late,” Tori noted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Meeks said. “Tonight I’m also out of cigarettes, so that’s another problem on top of it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori’s problem was six feet tall with a penchant for mint tea and eyes that gave off light like a fire that threw out sparks. She said the smartest thing in class, made the best passes on the soccer field and got along with everyone — even Nolan. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve got you some, I think,” Tori said, searching in her coat pockets until she felt her finger brush against the few cigarettes scattered. “Here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re the best,” Meeks grinned, taking them from Tori’s reached hand. “Why’d you even carry them? You don’t like cigarettes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nina likes to smoke when she’s stressed out, but she never carries some,” Tori explained with a small smile. “It makes me feel a little like a dealer, passing it over to her silently.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks cackled at that. “Lucky for me, huh?” She raised her hand up, gesturing to the open sky above them. “God, I love the stars so much.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s calming,” Tori agreed, and it was. The dark serenity of the infinity, the sparkling spots dotting it, each of them a source of life. “And romantic,” she added, laughing quietly at the irony of her stargazing in an attempt to ignore her own romantic troubles.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, everything can be romantic these days,” Meeks muttered, almost angrily.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Tori asked, tilting her head to Meeks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks was seated up, running a hand through her hair. “Forget it,” she said quietly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori sat up slowly, crossing her legs as she looked at Meeks. She didn’t know what to say, didn’t want to push, but Meeks looked like she was going to scream and Tori was awfully confused.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry,” Tori said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks’ head snapped to her. “What? What are you sorry for?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know,” Tori shrugged, a little nervous. “I made you upset, I didn’t mean that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you didn’t mean that,” Meeks said, sending her a tired smile. “It’s just… I don’t think I’ll ever be with someone. I just — don’t want to.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks winced at her fumbling words, looking away from Tori and bringing out the lighter from her pocket. She lit up a cigarette. “Maybe I’ll find the right guy,” Meeks added finally, not sounding half-convinced in her own words.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe,” Tori said slowly, her palms beginning to sweat. “But even if you don’t, it’s okay. Y-you don’t have to wait to be with someone. Not… only a man.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Was Meeks like her and Nina? Was it possible that Tori had managed to </span>
  <em>
    <span>truly</span>
  </em>
  <span> befriend the only two queer girls she ever met?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you?” Meeks asked quietly, moonlight reflecting over her glasses as she looked intently at Tori. “Wishing to be with someone who isn’t a man?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the late hours of the night, secrets seemed to bloom out of the earth. It was immensely easier, that way. Even more so than it was with Nina.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Tori managed, voice a little choked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks nodded at that, blowing out smoke from her nose. She fell quiet for a moment before asking, “Does Nina?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori froze, eyes turning a little wide under Meeks’ thoughtful eyes. What? How could she possibly know? Meeks, always the observer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. I mean, I don’t know,” Tori stuttered quickly. “Why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks shrugged. “I don’t know. Do you… want her to?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t — I don’t know,” Tori said, biting the inside of her cheek for a moment. “I mean, maybe.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Yes, yes, yes.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks merely hummed in response, dragging another breath from the cigarette. She left it at that and Nina laid back down, bringing her palms to her eyes, putting pressure on them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori sighed. “You can’t tell anyone that, Meeks,” she murmured. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of </span>
  <em>
    <span>course</span>
  </em>
  <span> not, Tori.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori could hear Meeks let out a sigh of her own. She let her palms fall off her face, still not meeting Meeks’ eyes as she stared up to the moon. “Thank you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t mention it,” Meeks said. “You’re lucky like that, I guess.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lucky?” Tori asked, frowning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That you have someone to like,” Meeks explained. “I don’t think I’ll ever have that. I don’t think I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>able </span>
  </em>
  <span>to.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori looked to Meeks only to see Meeks already looking at her. Despite her steady voice, Meeks’ face was in a deep frown, lips pursed in worry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then you won’t,” Tori said softly. “But you’ll have your friends and your studies. You don’t need a man to be whole.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know,” Meeks breathed out. “It’s just really easy to forget that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks laid down beside her, groaning. Tori’s heart constricted, understanding completely what Meeks meant by that. No adult had ever told Tori she was meant for more greatness than becoming an educated wife. That is, before Keating.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll be alright,” Tori said. Even if she didn’t believe it wholeheartedly yet, she knew deep inside it would be true one day. Or she hoped so, at least.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stayed on the roof until the sun rose, then went down to get ready for the day. It was seven AM already, and when Tori entered the room quietly, Nina had barely stirred awake from her sleep. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Later that week, on the first Wednesday of November, Tori had magically finished her tasks before Nina and laid on the floor, her legs up against the heater, warming herself up while making sure she didn’t smell a worrying burnt-fabric scent.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know, I think I want to change something about my hair,” Nina said, idly checking her calculations in her notebook.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Tori asked, a surprised chuckle spilling off her lips. She tilted her head a little, catching the sight of Nina leaning over her homework.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Nina continued, frowning at her work. “I’m getting sick of my split ends. I think I’ll go cut it later in the bathroom.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cut it </span>
  <em>
    <span>yourself</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” Tori asked, rolling to lay on her stomach, leaning against her elbows. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina’s head turned to her, raising her eyebrows behind her glasses. “Yes, </span>
  <em>
    <span>myself</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Nina said, smiling a little. “Why, you don’t think I can manage?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure you can manage, I’m just not so sure you would do a nice job,” Tori replied, mouth quirking up. “I’ll do it, just finish up your homework.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m done, I’m done,” Nina grinned, putting down her pencil and taking off her glasses. “Let’s do this, Tori!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After Nina washed her hair and put a towel over her shoulders she sat on the chair she brought to the bathroom, facing the mirror while Tori brushed her hair. They managed to find decent scissors at Charlie’s dorm which now rested in the sink.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How much do you want me to cut?” Tori asked, picking up the scissors. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm,” Nina mused, pouting a little as she thought. “I want it as short as yours.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori’s eyes widened in surprise, and she met Nina’s gaze in the mirror. “Huh?” Tori asked her. “No, Nina, your hair’s too pretty for that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But yours is pretty too,” Nina said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori’s cheeks heated up and she shook her head. “I’m not going to hurt your hair like this. It’s perfect as it is.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina huffed at that, looking away from Tori’s eyes in the mirror, cheeks burning. She smiled a little.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine,” Nina said. “Cut it to my shoulders.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Will do, ma’am,” Tori replied, earning a chuckle from Nina. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>During English class the following day, the girls stood in the stone courtyard with Keating. “No grades at stake, ladies,” he instructed. “Just take a stroll.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cameron, Pitts and Nyssa were the ones chosen and began walking in a circle around the group of girls, each of them strolling at their own pace. Eventually, they all merged into one pace, the clinking of their shoes syncing on the stone floor. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There it is,” Keating said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Someone in the class began clapping in the same rhythm of the walking, and most of the girls joined. Keating began singing in the same melody, motioning for the girls to repeat after his words. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know but I’ve been told.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know but I’ve been told,” the class repeated.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Doing poetry is old.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Doing poetry is old,” the class repeated.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Left, left, left, right, left,” Keating called, joining the strolling girls to walk beside them. “Left, left, left, right, left. Left, halt!” He stopped in his place suddenly, the three girls stopping too. The clapping died as Keating flashed the three girls a smile. “Thank you, ladies.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cameron, Pitts and Nyssa moved from beside Keating to join the girls standing in front of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you noticed, everyone started with their own pace, their own stride,” began Keating. He began walking slowly. “Ms. Pitts, taking her time. She knew she’ll get there one day.” He changed the way he held himself, now less confident. “Ms. Cameron, you could see her thinking, ‘Is that right? It might be right. I know that… Maybe now. I don’t know.’” He raised his head up with a dreamy look on his face, striding carelessly. “Ms. Overstreet, driven by a deeper force.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The class cackled at each of the explanations, enjoying it every bit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright now, I didn’t bring them up here to ridicule them,” continued Keating. “I brought them up here to illustrate the point of conformity. The difficulties in maintaining your own beliefs in the face of others. Now, those of you, I see the look in your eyes like, ‘I would have walked differently’. Well, ask yourself why you were clapping.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now, we all have a great need for acceptance. But you must trust that your beliefs are unique, your own. Even though others may think them odd or unpopular. Even though the herd may go, </span>
  <em>
    <span>that’s baaad</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Robert Frost said, ‘Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference’.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating moved from the middle of the courtyard, gesturing towards it. “Now, I want you to find your own walk, right now. Your own way of striding, pacing. Any direction, anything you want. Whether it’s proud, whether it’s silly, anything. Ladies, the courtyard is yours.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The girls began walking, each in her own way, chatter and laughter rising in the courtyard as the went differently, some stumbling upon each other.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to perform,” Keating said, “Just make it for yourself. Ms. Dalton, will you be joining us?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie was leaning against the wall, flashing Keating a smirk at his question. “I’m exercising the right</span>
  <em>
    <span> not</span>
  </em>
  <span> to walk.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, Ms. Dalton,” Keating nodded, a satisfied smile growing on his face. “You just illustrated the point. Swim against the stream.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tori sat that evening out in the cold, half-hoping to be found and half-hoping to be found by one person in particular. She let herself feel miserable for a while, sitting silently on the concrete as everyone passed her by. Everyone except for Nina, who found her before she started to feel too cold. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tori?” Nina called, strolling to where Tori sat on the roof, hugging her knees to her chest. She wore her coat over her uniform, unlike Tori, who was less clever than that. “Hey.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori tore her eyes from where she stared aimlessly into the dark branches and to Nina where she stood in front of her. “Hey.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s going on?” Nina asked gently.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing,” she said, her eyes drifting from Nina’s figure to the desk set beside her. It was almost a reflex to shrug her disappointment off like that, but Tori hoped deep inside her that Nina would let her feel sorry for herself even just a bit. She deserved that, even if for a short while. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She looked back at Nina’s caring face. “Today’s my birthday,” she said eventually, sheepish.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is today your birthday?” Nina asked, voice so fond Tori thought it might just be what it took to make her tear up at the bitterness she made such an effort at bottling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori nodded, and Nina’s face broke in a sweet smile. She crouched down, putting her hands on Tori’s cold ones where they rested on her knees. “Happy birthday.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks,” Tori said, cackling a little in embarrassment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’d you get?” Nina asked, tilting her head a little. Her eyes fell on the desk set at Tori’s side before focusing back on Tori. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori took one of her hands from below Nina’s warm grip, gesturing to the desk set. “My parents gave me this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina frowned. “Isn’t this the same desk set—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, they gave me the same thing as last year,” Tori cut her, trying her best to sound nonchalant, aiming for a smile. Her chest was a little tight from embarrassment and a little tight from disappointment, and when she met Nina’s worried eyes again her already faltering smile fell.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” Nina said softly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori sighed. “Oh,” she agreed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori watched Nina sitting down completely as she scrunched up her face, thinking to herself for a moment before saying seriously, “Maybe they thought you needed another one.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina chuckled at her own shitty attempt. It was amazing how Nina could make Tori feel so much better so quickly, how Tori was smiling after only a few of Nina’s attempts to cheer her up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe they weren’t thinking about anything at all,” Tori said, smile faltering. She wasn’t bitter anymore, just genuinely sad. Nina watched her silently. “The funny thing about this is, I didn’t even like it the first time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori chuckled breathily and Nina joined her, cackling in something close to relief.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina gathered herself, trying to keep on a straight face. “Tori, I think you’re underestimating the value of this desk set.” She dragged the desk set from Tori’s side and to her lap, holding it in her hands. “I mean, who would want a book, or a new dress, or…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Or a car?” Tori offered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Or a </span>
  <em>
    <span>car,</span>
  </em>
  <span> if they could have a desk set as wonderful as this one? I mean, if I were ever going to buy a desk set, twice, I would probably buy this one both times.” Nina broke her seriousness and giggled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori let out a quiet laugh, unable to hold it in. Nina weighed the desk set in her hands, looking at it with newfound interest. “Actually, it’s shape is… It’s rather aerodynamic, isn’t it?” She gave Tori a quick look before standing up, Tori watching her with adoration. “I can feel it.” Nina threw it a little up the air, the desk set falling into her reached hands easily. “This desk set wants to fly.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori rose to her feet, standing up next to Nina near the edge.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tori?” Nina called, bringing the desk set between them. Tori took it from her hands, smiling a little. “The world’s first unmanned flying desk set.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina smiled at Tori and Tori’s smile stretched at her cheeks when she chucked the desk set over the wall, feeling all her bitterness regarding her parents toss off the roof with it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After watching the desk set hit the ground, bits of it sprawling over the grass below with Nina’s arm around her, they returned to their dorm. Tori felt giddy, high on her love for Nina.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for that,” she said to her, already in the safety of their dorm. She could hardly stop herself from reaching over and pulling Nina closer, but instead of being frightened she just felt happy. Nervous, yes, but excited. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course,” Nina said. The two of them were supposed to be getting ready for the shower, but both stood with their backs to their closets, facing each other. “Your parents are pricks.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori laughed a little at that, her eyes finding their way back to Nina despite her looking away. It was an instinct. “Yeah, you’re right. But really, thank you. Not only for tonight.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course,” Nina said, voice as sweet as honey. “You deserve it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori’s face heated up — she could feel it. She let out a breathy chuckle. “I’m not so sure, but I appreciate it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina frowned at her, biting her lip. “I care about you, Tori. A lot.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori was certain her heart had missed a beat. “I care about you a lot, too,” she said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Silence fell over them, standing just about a feet apart. Tori took in a quiet breath as Nina’s eyes flickered over her face, nearly holing her with the sharpness of her gaze. If Nina looked at her like that, why couldn’t she? Tori let her eyes study Nina’s features shamelessly, the only sound breaking the silence in their dorm being their breaths.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori’s fingers itched for her to reach out, to touch Nina’s face. Innocently, just like Nina touched hers. Would that be so bad? She wouldn’t have to reach to those parted lips, so soft-looking and pink. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>God, Tori wanted to touch her lips. Even with the tips of her fingers would be enough. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you thinking about?” The words came out of Tori in one solid string, no pauses taken. She could feel her cheeks heat up even more but kept her eyes steady on Nina, grounding herself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina tilted her head a little, a nervous smile dimpling her face. “First thought, best thought,” she said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina’s hand grazed Tori’s arm as she propped closer and Tori’s eyes went immediately to where their skin met, just below her rolled sleeve, a faint pressure on her forearm. Tori tilted her head up back to look at Nina and then — oh god, and Nina was kissing her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina tasted like the chocolate cookies that were served at dinner and like her favourite tea, sharp and sweet. Her lips caressed Tori’s timidly, and Tori lost every ability to </span>
  <em>
    <span>think</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Her hands found the back of Nina’s neck, threading her fingers through her soft hair as Nina sighed into her mouth. Nina’s hands were cupping her face when she jolted, hands falling from Tori’s jaw, holding them to her heart as she took a step back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori opened her eyes slowly, feeling like she woke up from a dream. “Nina? Did — did you just kiss me?” She asked, voice quiet and soft and unbelieving. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina stared at her with wide wide eyes, bangs mussed and cheeks bright red, looking at Nina with such uncertainty that Tori found it flabbergasting.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry, I thought—” Nina choked out the words, “I mean, I should have</span>
  <em>
    <span> asked </span>
  </em>
  <span>you first—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori cut her off with her eager lips, pushing Nina against her closet door, leaning into Nina until she could feel Nina’s warm touch all over her. Nina’s hand slid to her waist, bringing Tori even closer. Despite Tori’s way with words, she could think of nothing quite fitting to describe how she felt, how</span>
  <em>
    <span> right </span>
  </em>
  <span>kissing Nina felt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina's mouth was like silk, like </span>
  <em>
    <span>luxury</span>
  </em>
  <span> against Tori's lips. It wasn’t the controlled, affirming kiss just a moment ago. It was letting go, it was pure heat, and — while Tori was definitely biased — it was most likely the best moment of her entire life to date. Her hands were at Nina’s head, clutching her soft hair between her fingers, Nina's mouth open underneath hers, Nina completely pressed against her, sliding her tongue against Tori's and making breathy noises that Tori was sure she'll be hearing in her dreams for days.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>All she knew was this: </span>
  <em>
    <span>this is the way it was meant to be. It is done</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Tori woke up the next morning to the wind humming on their closed window, she forgot for a moment where she was. She sat up groggily, turning her head to her left to find Nina’s bed empty. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Someone slept in.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina’s voice reached her from the front of their room and Tori’s gaze reached her, head still foggy from sleep. Nina stood next to her open, closet, tucking her shirt inside her pants.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Morning,” Tori managed, tongue slurring. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina smiled at her, making her way to Tori’s bed. Now that Tori slowly regained consciousness she noticed the stiffness of Nina’s posture, the nervousness dancing behind her eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What time is it?” Tori asked. Her worry began to stir, her stomach churning unpleasantly. Could it be that Nina regretted what happened last night? Had Tori went too far? Nina seemed just as eager as her in the darkness of the night, but now with the cool morning light entering the room and spreading across her face, she looked almost like a different person.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina shrugged as she sat next to Tori’s lap, facing Tori with her legs on the floor. “Breakfast is served soon.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori nodded distantly. “Are you okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If we’re okay, then yeah,” Nina said, her eyes searching Tori’s face for any sign of regret or uncomfortableness.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori swallowed in an attempt to shove her anxiety down, offering Nina a small smile. “I’m okay. More than okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina let out a quiet breath of relief, smiling her trademark grin as she squeezed Tori’s hand gently. Tori couldn’t stop herself, leaning forward to kiss Nina chastely on the lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She leaned back after a few moments, smiling back to Nina, who only leaned back in, eyes closed as her hand found its place on Tori’s face. Tori melted against her, returning the kiss sweetly, happy to receive Nina in her lap. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The kiss wasn’t like what they shared the night before, not just rushed and full of want, like a burning fire. It was slow — lazy waves crashing on the lakeshore. Content. They knew now they had all the time in the world.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori leaned back, away from Nina’s lips. “God, my breath must be awful,” she sighed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina looked down at her, bringing their foreheads together as she let out a breath. Tori let her eyes flutter closed, a small smile growing on her lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not so bad,” Nina murmured, and Tori could hear the grin in her voice. Her fingers caressed Tori’s jaw softly, feather-like. “I’m willing to make the sacrifice.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes?” Tori asked, giggling quietly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina nuzzled their noses together a little. “For the greater good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, of course. Mhm.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina pulled her head back, eyes gleaming with affection and mischief. Tori's insides turned pleasantly at that look, the intensity in which Nina held it, directed solely at Tori.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Tori asked, voice a little breathy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m just looking at you,” Nina said quietly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori squirmed, putting her hands on her face. She felt her cheeks burn against her fingers, Nina’s laughter in her ear not helping the situation much.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no, no! Tori!” She giggled, her fingers closing over Tori’s hands, asking for her to move them. “Please, you’re so nice to look at.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori huffed in embarrassment, pulling her hands away reluctantly. She must have been as red as a tomato by then, trying not to let her smile break out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m all mussed from sleep,” Tori argued weakly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina gave her a chuckling kiss on the forehead. “Nonsense.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That night, with Nyssa off to Celia Danburry’s party, the girls sat in the cave and began their Dead Poets meeting. Charlie was running late but they still began.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“To live deliberately and suck all the marrow out of life,” they said in unison. “To put to rout all that was not life—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A burst of loud laughter caught them off. The girls looked at each other, searching for an explanation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cameron face-palmed. “Oh, my god.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori’s lips parted, a question resting on her tongue, but was left with a silent gape when a foreign voice reached their ears.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is this it?” Asked someone. Asked a </span>
  <em>
    <span>guy</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, this is it,” Charlie’s voice assured. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The girls sat in a raging silence as two blonde guys entered the cave, each dressed in fancy and colourful button-ups, hair slicked with gel. Charlie was right behind them, an easy smirk on her face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go ahead, go on in,” she continued, stepping inside. “It’s my cave. Watch your step.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re not gonna slip, are we?” Asked a different guy than the one talking before. The only difference between the two was one wore a blue shirt, the other wore a green one. Tori wondered absently if they were twins, or rather both just normal, mediocre-looking dudes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh oh,” said the first blonde to enter the cave — the one wearing the green shirt. He smiled a little dumbly to the girls, finally noticing them. “Hi.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Blue-Shirt cackled at them, or rather at Green-Shirt. Tori wanted them to be gone already.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pitts jolted up to stand, a smooth attempt to greet the strangers failing miserably as she forgot her towering height and hit her head with the ceiling of the cave. She winced, cursing under her breath, and Tori winced a little in sympathy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello,” Nina said, the first girl to actually say something to the guys. Her voice was cautious, the greeting coming out warily. She was sitting next to Tori, her hand retreating from its place on Tori’s thigh at the sight of the newcomers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cameron’s head snapped to Charlie, glaring sharply. “You’ve brought </span>
  <em>
    <span>boys</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We already have boys in the club, what’s to more?” Charlie asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The two guys stood behind her in the middle of the cave as Charlie stepped forward from the entrance to talk to the girls, bending their necks a little to prevent hitting their head in the ceiling as Pitts did.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina’s question came out less accusing than Cameron’s yet still she looked at Charlie with a stern look. “Yeah, who?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Thoreau</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Charlie said, eyebrows raised easily. She turned to the guys with a reassuring grin before quickly looking back to the girls. “So, girls. Meet, uh, Scott and…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her voice died at her lips after she introduced Green-Shirt as Scott, her face cracking an awkward smile to Blue-Shirt, gesturing towards him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Randy,” Blue-Shirt introduced himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Randy,” Charlie repeated, nodding along as if it was her very next guess. She truly was a master at bullshiting others. Tori exchanged a look with Nina pressed to her side, and Nina gave her a questioning look as if telling Tori </span>
  <em>
    <span>can’t wait to see how this blows up in our faces. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“This is the pledge class of the Dead Poets Society.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello,” Tori said politely, her greeting coming out more as a mutter than anything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, how do you do?” Meeks added, not really meeting any of the guys’ eyes as she flashed them a friendly smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Girls, move, move,” Charlie ordered, making room for the guys to sit comfortable — as much as possible in the cave. “Come on, folks, it’s Friday night. Let’s get on with the meeting.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She sat down between Scott and Randy, leaning closer towards Scott, with Randy leaning against the wall very close to Nina. Charlie continued. “In keeping the spirit of the passionate experimentation of the Dead Poets, I’m giving up the name Charlotte Dalton.” She looked into Scott’s eyes, a flirtatious smile playing on her lips. “From now on, call me Nuwanda.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nuwanda?” Asked Pitts, bubbly laughter spilling out of her in quiet chuckles. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nuwanda?” Tori asked under her breath, tilting her head a little to catch a glimpse of Nina’s reaction. Nina sat quietly on her side, no trace of a smile dimpling her face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie ignored Pitts and lit up her cigarette, breathing in the smoke. “Are we going to have a meeting now, or what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, if you girls don’t have a meeting, how do we know if we want to join?” Scott asked, leaning a little closer to Charlie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was one thing to sneak boys into campus. Having them in the Dead Poets Society was on a completely different plane of hilarity. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Join?” Nina nearly spluttered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Randy at Nina’s side didn’t seem to pay much attention to the conversation, rather made an effort at drinking from the liquor Scott handed him and ended up making a face as he swallowed it down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie stood up, striding to lean down towards Randy, completely ignoring Nina’s lingering question in the air. Nina lit herself a cigarette, frowning not in annoyment but rather in worry, which in turn made Tori worried. Was Charlie going through something?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?” Charlie cooed, Tori instantly recognizing the words they read so man times in Keating’s class. “Thou art more lovely and more temperate.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s sweet,” Randy said, smiling up to Charlie.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie shrugged a little in what came off almost charming. “I made that up just for you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That time when Tori shot an amused look to Nina, Nina met her eyes with raised eyebrows before rolling her eyes at Charlie’s antics. Tori found Nina’s hand in the dim lighting of the cave and squeezed gently, feeling Nina slowly ease at her side as time went by. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Randy’s time was a full on-grin when Tori looked back up. “You did?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cameron covered her face, breathing out a sigh. Meeks coughed loudly in an attempt to mask her laughter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie turned from Randy to face Scott. “I’ll write something for you too, Scott.” She cleared her throat a little as she sat beside him again, an easy smile on her face. “He walks in beauty like the night… He walks in beauty like the night, of cloudless climes and starry skies. All that’s best of dark and bright meet in his aspect and his eyes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina’s lips curled up in a silly smile at Charlie’s flirting and she squeezed Tori’s hand back. Tori could feel her heart double its size, smiling fondly at her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s beautiful,” Scott said earnestly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>God. Was there anything </span>
  <em>
    <span>thicker</span>
  </em>
  <span> than teenage boys?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie’s smile grew into a proud smirk. “There’s plenty more where that came from.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Randy tilted his body to face Nina completely, drawing the pair’s attention to him as he lifted the bottle in his hand towards them. “Go ahead, pass it around.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before Nina even grabbed the bottle he took the cigarette from between Nina’s fingers, dragging a long breath, his eyes looking Nina slowly up and down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori’s heart went back to its regular size. Maybe it shrank even smaller. Nina turned back to face her a little helplessly, the liquor in her grip, an attempt of an excited smile on her features before bringing the tip to her mouth and taking a sip from the bottle with as much confidence as she could muster. Tori chuckled when Nina swallowed, Nina’s jaw tightening as she willed her expression to stay straight.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gwen and I are working on a hi-fi system,” Meeks said suddenly, pleasant voice disturbing the silence that settled around them. Pitts nodded along to her words as if confirming their truth. “It shouldn’t be that hard to put together.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I might be going to Yale,” Pitts began. She then ducked her head a little, shrugging. “Uh, but I might not.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t you girls miss not having guys around here?” Scott asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pitts nodded almost excitedly at him. “Yeah.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks smiled faintly, nodding along distractedly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s what this club is about,” Charlie said to the guys before standing up. “In fact, I’d like to announce I published an article in the school paper in the name of the Dead Poets.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>What</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” Meeks called, plain surprise on her freckled face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Demanding boys be admitted to Hell-ton,” continued Charlie.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t,” Cameron said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie smirked a little, taking a breath from her cigarette. “So we can all stop beating off.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How did you do that?” Nina asked, brows furrowed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m one of the proofers,” Charlie explained simply. “I slipped the article in.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cameron threw her hands up in disbelief. “Look, it’s over now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?” Charlie asked. “Nobody knows who we are.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t you think they’ll figure out who wrote it?” Cameron nearly spat. “They’re gonna come to you and ask to know what the Dead Poets Society is. Charlie, you had no right to do something like that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>While Cameron spoke Charlie moved from her place towards Tori, swinging her arm to take the liquor bottle from Tori’s grip. She looked at Cameron with icy eyes, sharp fury behind her gaze. Tori knew it had nothing to do with the article. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>Nuwanda</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Cameron.” Charlie took a big gulp from the bottle, drinking angrily.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s right, it’s Nuwanda,” chipped Scott, and Tori just wished he’d shut up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie wasn’t looking only at Cameron now, but let her eyes move over all the girls sitting in the cave. “Are we just playing around in here or do we mean what we say? If all we do is come together and reach a bunch of poems to each other, what the hell are we doing?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina stood up, her hand releasing Tori’s before she straightened her back to face Charlie. “Alright, but you still shouldn’t have done it, Charlie. This could be trouble. You don’t speak for the club.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori could nearly catch the sight of Charlie’s nostrils flaring at the sound of her own name. “Hey, would you not worry about your precious little neck?” She asked, voice heavy with a reassuring tone that did nothing to quieten the girls’ worries. “If they catch me, I’ll tell them I made it up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next morning, the girls were silent with shock as Nyssa joined them late for breakfast. She hadn’t met up with them after the party at Celia Danburry, simply crashing into her dorm, only resurfacing long after the Dead Poets meeting was over. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>No one knew how to react to Nyssa’s pitiful sulk, gaze dropped and hair a mess.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So…” Charlie began, slowly breaking the tense stillness at their table. “How was last night with Cris?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Celia Danbury punched me in the nose in front of everyone,” Nyssa choked out quietly, stuffing her mouth with a spoon of cereal. “My nose bled for, like, an hour.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>What</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” Nina spluttered, not at all the answer anyone at the table had been expecting.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa nodded sadly, humming a little in response to the growing bafflement of her friends.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t even get a chance to actually talk with him.” Nyssa sighed. “I just met a group of guys who were </span>
  <em>
    <span>certain</span>
  </em>
  <span> I had a brother who went to their high-school. They practically treated me like royalty for a drunken half-hour.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe you should go for one of them then,” Pitts offered, milk spluttering on her chin a bit as she spoke, holding her spoon too close to her face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa let out a breathy chuckle. Charlie traced comforting circles on her back, and after that, it was like Nyssa exhaled — ready to return to herself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Does that mean you’re done with Cris?” Nina asked, voice gentle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, of course not,” Nyssa said, furrowing her brows. “I didn’t even speak to him properly yet!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori chuckled a little at Nyssa and her determination. What other answer did Nina think Nyssa could possibly give them other than this one?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Just a few days later Tori found Nina and herself being interrupted with a knock on their dorm door, the whole school being called to attend an important assembly in the Great Hall. Tori couldn’t remember how many times she actually went there beside that ceremony on her first day at Welton.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The students sat on the benches, waiting as the teachers and staff arrived. All the girls stood up from their seats as the teachers and staff made their way inside, sitting back down only when Nolan stood by his stand on the stage. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was such a nice day out, the sun rays bleeding into the Great Hall through the small windows behind Nolan. Nina sat next to Tori and Tori wanted nothing more than for their wrinkling headmaster to finish off and for her to be able to hold Nina in her arms again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her thoughts drifted away, floating away absent-mindedly as Nolan put on his glasses, dragging his words in that throaty and deep voice of his. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her eyes shot back to the stage at the worrying mention of the school paper, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Welton Honor</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was Monday afternoon — meaning the paper was supposed to be printed the evening before — and Tori had nearly forgotten what had gone down in the last Dead Poets meeting on Friday with everything that happened with Nyssa. They were supposed to meet again that very night, but with Tori’s insides freezing on the spot, she had little faith they would manage to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There appeared a profane and unauthorized article,” Nolan said. “Rather than spend my valuable time fretting out the guilty person — and let me assure you, I will find them — I’m asking any and all students who know anything about this article to make themselves known here and now.”</span>
</p><p><span>Her breath caught in her throat, Tori looked to Nina. Nina’s eyes were a little wide, jaw locked tightly.</span> <span>Oh, god.</span> <span>Was that the end of their secret society? Tori’s heart sank. </span><em><span>Was that the end of the friendship between the Dead Poets?</span></em></p><p>
  <span>Nolan continued without fault, brows furrowed in a scolding manner. “Whoever the guilty persons are, this is your only chance to avoid expulsion from this school.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Silence fell upon the Great Hall, broken quickly by the sharp noise of a ringing phone. Heads turned and shuffles were heard, the students and staff searching for the phone that was not supposed to be inside the hall.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A few rows before Tori, Charlie stood up, the phone held to her ear. “Welton Academy, hello? Yes, he is. Just a moment.” Charlie stood up, all heads turned to her. Her hair was winded even more than usual and she made a gesture towards the stage as if offering Nolan the phone, and Tori could hear the fake-innocence dripping in her voice without even seeing her face. “Mr. Nolan, it’s for you. It’s God. She says we should have boys at Welton.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nolan’s face couldn’t be described as anything other than as if he held a frog in his mouth, trying to keep it from escape. His expression was bursting with quiet fury, eyes fixed on Charlie like shattered glass. The entire hall broke into rolling laughter. Tori heard Nina heave a sigh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not long after, Nolan called Charlie to his office in front of the entire school and the two left, Charlie smirking confidently. Half-an-hour or so later, she returned to the senior dorms, not wearing the same smile anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Most of the seniors were out of their dorm rooms, hanging and chatting in the corridor, their voices silencing immediately at Charlie’s slow steps and pale face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her hair was down, a rare sight to see. Meeks, Nyssa and Pitts stood together at Meeks and Pitts’ door, their eyes worried and big. The stiff quietness in the hallway was so thick it could be cut with a knife. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori watched from where she stood at the door to her and Nina’s dorm as Charlie made her way, not meeting any of the students’ eyes, her hands tucked into her pockets in fists.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori’s eyes desperately searched for any sign of bruises on Charlie, as did the other wandering eyes of the seniors and friends present, but didn’t know if it was relief or desperation that washed over her at the absence of them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina and Cameron stood by Charlie and Cameron’s dorm and Cameron stepped out from the doorstep wordlessly, letting Charlie pass without touching her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You kicked out?” Nina asked. She stood leaning a little against the door, the only voice ringing in the corridor. She made an attempt at sounding casual, but Tori saw the dread in her eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie sounded choked. “No.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, what happened?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina’s words were soft, but Charlie halted in her place, shoulders tensing. She had just walked inside her dorm, her back facing Nina.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m to turn everybody in, apologize to the school, and all will be forgiven,” Charlie said, close to a sigh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, what are you gonna do?” Nina persisted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori noticed the way Charlie’s voice wavered when she spoke, the shaky breaths that escaped her as she didn’t respond to Nina. Instead, she took another step into the room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Charlie,” tried Nina, a strike of sadness catching her voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Charlie turned around to face Nina, Cameron and Tori. Her eyes glistened with tears threatening to fall. A small part of Tori’s mind was reminded of Nina’s story about Charlie, telling Tori animatedly of that time during summer break when they were fifteen and Charlie broke her arm because she fell off the tree in Nina’s backyard and hadn’t shed a single tear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Damn it</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Nina.” Charlie’s hand went to the door, ready to push it closed. Her knuckles and fingers were bloody, dried blood coating it as a few drops continued to glide down her knuckles. She smiled despite the audible lump in her throat. “The name’s Nuwanda.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Needless to say, the Dead Poets Society meeting was cancelled that night. Tori and the others had no idea what Charlie — </span>
  <em>
    <span>Nuwanda</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Tori reminded herself — was planning on doing, but after dinner, all the seniors found themselves in the student lounge with Nuwanda sitting on the leather couch by herself and all their classmates sitting around her on benches, on the floor, wherever they found a place.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nuwanda smoked, confidently telling them of what Nolan had done to her, and it was easy to be mistaken and think she really was that relaxed about the whole deal, to forget how cold and </span>
  <em>
    <span>different</span>
  </em>
  <span> she came back to her dorm after sitting in his office.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina knew it was her way of dealing with the fear still clutching at her gut, even after all the hours that passed and the long hot shower she stood beneath, and so Nina sucked in a breath and played along to ease her friend as much as she could.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the middle of Nuwanda’s sentence Keating walked in and the girls who were tentatively drinking down Nuwanda’s words tensed, a few standing up, ready to scram. It was already ten minutes past curfew. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s all right, ladies,” Keating said calmly, walking in his slow stride towards them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mr. Keating,” Nuwanda greeted him with a smile, somehow having managed to blow out her cigarette and hide it from his sight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ms. Dalton. That was a pretty lame stunt you pulled today,” he said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nuwanda’s smile dropped. “You’re siding with Mr. Nolan? What about carpe diem, sucking all the marrow out of life—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sucking the marrow out of life doesn’t mean choking on the bone,” Keating interrupted her. His tone wasn’t mean and his expression softened, but Nuwanda still looked like she had been slapped across the face. “Sure, there’s a time for daring, but there’s a time for caution. And a wise woman understands which is called for.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori’s eyes fixed on her palms again, the redness still remaining faintly on Nuwanda’s skin, the cuts visible if looked upon. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But I thought you’d like that,” she said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. You being expelled from school is not daring to me, it’s stupid. Because you’ll miss some golden opportunities.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nuwanda’s eyes dropped to the floor. “Yeah, like what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like if nothing else, the opportunity to attend my classes.” Nuwanda looked up to him and Keating smiled at her fondly. She didn’t look like she felt scolded, more like she was a little ashamed. “Got it, ace?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nuwanda smiled back at him. “Aye, aye, Captain.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Keep your head about you.” He looked from her to the other faces in the room, voice warm with fondness. “That goes for the lot of you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The girls murmured back to him different agreements and Keating began to walk away, muttering in amusement under his breath. “Phone call from God.” Tori’s eyes shot up to him as he half turned to them again. “If it had been collect, it would have been daring.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Flashing them one last grin, Keating left.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>here you go!! turns out the next chapter is still mostly a draft (oooooops) so it'll take longer for me to finish editing it, but I'm sure it won't be too long :))) let me know what y'all think so far!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING! One of the main characters commits suicide in this chapter (fairly towards the end of it), if that sort of thing triggers you then please take care and don't read it if that might be dangerous to you.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Nina spent nearly every afternoon these days biking back and forth from Welton to Henley Hall for her rehearsals of the play. Her heart swelled every time she entered the now-familiar hall with the dark brown silky seats and deep red carpet on the floor. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>God, how she loved the theatre, how she loved playing — and specifically, how she loved playing Puck. It gave her a break from everything from the constant weight of her studies to her constant worry about Charlie’s — </span>
  <em>
    <span>Nuwanda’s </span>
  </em>
  <span>— mild identity crisis. Even from her own thoughts, at times.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The moment she walked inside the theatre she felt a wave of contentment wash over her. She knew, without doubt, that it was her place in the world. This, and in Tori’s company. Her smile widened as she jogged towards the stage, greeting her friends from </span>
  <em>
    <span>A Midsummer’s Night Dream</span>
  </em>
  <span> already up on the stage.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a few tiring but exciting hours she was done, bubbling happily as she drove back to Welton. </span>
  <em>
    <span>So so close</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Soon the show will be up and Nina couldn’t wait for it to happen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When she climbed up the stairs to the seniors’ dorms, cheeks flushed from the cold as her classmates rushed to put on their coats to shield from the winter breeze waiting for them on their way to dinner.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She could hear Spaz asking what’s for dinner and Pitts yelling form the other side of the corridor eagerly: “Spaghetti and meatballs!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Save some for me,” Nina called, grinning and giddy. She passed the rushing girls, swaying on her way to her dorm, reciting her lines sweetly: “But, room, fairy! Here comes Oberon.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina strode inside her room, her big smile falling as her heart dropped to her stomach, cold and no longer beating. Her father sat at her desk, fiddling with her pens, striking her with how out-of-place he looked in her dorm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina couldn’t imagine him there now, after all those months she lived in that room without his lingering presence behind her neck like back home. Couldn’t imagine him in the same room where she dreamt peacefully — both awake and asleep — the same room where she laughed with her friends and plotted upcoming Dead Poets meetings, the same room where she kissed Tori every day. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Welton was always better simply by not being her parent’s place, but that year it became far more than that — a safe haven from her father. But now, sprinkles of her childhood home entered her </span>
  <em>
    <span>new </span>
  </em>
  <span>home and it shook her to her core. Burning guilt scorched her insides, the lingering aura of the theatre still hanging at the back of her thoughts. She felt as if the roof was about to drop on her head any moment now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Father,” she managed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nina.” He didn’t make any sign to move soon, eyes cold as they fixed on Nina.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her own gaze fell back to her desk, noticing with dawning horror that her forgotten script laid discarded there, just where her father’s attention was aimed at before Nina stepped inside. So close his fingers could brush against the papers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her mouth had gone very, very dry. She swallowed her fear, stepping one step closer as she spoke. “Before you say anything, please let me—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her father snapped, hitting her desk before jolting up to stand. The loud noise of his hand meeting the wood silenced her and he stepped forward, towering over her, fury etched on his features. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t you dare talk back to me,” he said, voice even, eyes like daggers. “It’s bad enough that you’ve wasted your time with this absurd acting business. But you deliberately deceived me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He took another step closer and Nina clenched her jaw, eyes dropping from her father’s face. She had nothing to say to help herself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How did you expect to get away with this? Answer me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina hated how calm his voice sounded, hated how he thought of himself as the wise one to determine her own course of life. Why did they even have her, if she was never meant to choose anything for herself? Nina opened her mouth to reply as she looked up to him again yet continued to stand silently, not knowing what to tell him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What put you up to it?” Her father asked. “Was it this new man, uh, Mr. Keating?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, nobody— I thought I’d surprise you.” Her father turned away from her, shaking his head. Nina gathered her courage. “I’ve gotten all A’s in every class.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So did you think I wasn’t gonna find out?” He turned back to face her. “‘My nephew is in a play with your daughter,’ says Mrs. Marks. ‘No, no, no,’ I say. ‘You must be mistaken, my daughter’s not in a play.’ You made a liar out of me, Nina. Now, tomorrow, you go to them and you tell them that you’re quitting.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I can’t,” Nina argued, a little desperate. “I have the main part. The performance is tomorrow night.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t care if the world </span>
  <em>
    <span>comes to an end </span>
  </em>
  <span>tomorrow. You are through with that play. Playing a boy’s role? Really, Nina?” He scoffed loudly. “This stops right now. Am I clear?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina looked at him, biting the inside of her cheek. “Yes, sir,” she said, voice near a whisper.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her father gave her one more look, heaving a disappointed breath that stung deep in her heart. He stepped past her and Nina heard him stop in the closed doorstep waiting for a few moments of silence. Nina didn’t turn to look at him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he finally spoke up again, his voice was calm and demanding as always, no longer as affected as he was a moment ago. “I had a great many sacrifices to get you here, Nina. And you will not let me down.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her shoulders were slumped in defeat. </span>
  <em>
    <span>God</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “No, sir,” she agreed, throat tight.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Without another word, he opened the door and left, leaving it open to the empty hallway. It was only after his steps silenced in her ears, having gone quieter and quieter as he walked farther away from her, that Nina could exhale again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her eyes stung with tears threatening to spill down and she tightened her fists, wiping her eyes forcefully, grunting quietly to herself in frustration. She clenched her jaw, forcing down the sobs on the tip of her tongue, and stormed outside the room without knowing where she was headed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She wasn’t ready to meet up with her friends yet, not even with Tori’s sympathetic eyes and sad smile. She wandered around campus, angrily trying to bury down her misery and bitterness as the dining hall’s roars reached her ears faintly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now blanketed by darkness, the lake looked pitch-black, not even reflecting the stars. It was a foggy night out, and a cold one — Nina hadn’t even thought about taking her coat with her — and the absence of the sun and the sight of the mysterious woods made her soul ache even more. Now the sun was gone and not even the moon stood in her place, and the woods were everything but intriguing, lacking all the fond memories they stored for Nina and her friends. They were vast and deep, dark and cold, reminding Nina more of herself hiding under her bed in her childhood bedroom when her parents began arguing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She didn’t know how long she spent by the lake on the brink between lashing out and giving up completely but in her dazed state, she missed how quiet the rest of Welton had become when she wasn’t paying attention. It quietened down the storm in her head a little and she caught a few glimmering reflections of some stars upon the lake.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She turned back around, towards the dorms, frowning at the cold and the thought of how she could manage something for dinner after all. Then her eyes caught sight of the light up in the tall window of Keating’s office behind his classroom. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She hesitated for a moment. Should she just return to her dorm, spill everything that happened and finally let her tears fall as Tori would try to hug her warmly enough to soothe her heartache away, or should she go up to Keating for advice? Nina couldn’t think of anyone other than Keating who was a grown-up of whom she valued their opinion.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina found herself making her way through the familiar path to English class, walking up the silent and dark corridor until she reached the open door to the classroom. She walked quietly inside, stopping in her place when she stood in front of the closed door to Keating’s office. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She saw the warm light break into the classroom from the crack between the door and the wall and looked to the side, up at Walt Whitman, gazing up from his place high on the wall.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina breathed out, then brought her knuckles upon the door to knock once. Almost immediately, Keating’s melodic voice reached her ears.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s open.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina opened the door and waited for him to respond for a moment, simply closing it right behind her when Keating didn’t look up to her. He sat a small desk, overflowing with pictures and books — as was the entire office, only lit by his desk lamp, casting an orange haze over the small room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina fidgeted nervously in her place, thinking back over her decision to consult with Keating. He finally looked up from what seemed to be a letter he was writing, giving her his usual friendly smile as he put down his pen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nina, What’s up?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I speak with you for a minute?” She asked, the words leaving her a little weakly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Certainly,” he nodded, a slow movement so different than her father’s curt cut it was nearly enough to ease her. “Sit down.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina looked around, searching for a place to sit but finding the only spare (and close) chair in the room to be occupied by books and empty mugs. She took a few mugs when Keating stood suddenly, reaching over to take the many books from the chair and put them on the floor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, here,” she fumbled, giving Keating the mugs after his hands were empty. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Excuse me,” Keating assured. The two of them stood for a moment, quiet in the softly-lit office, Keating’s hand on his hips. “Get you some tea?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina ran a hand over her forehead, nodding a little. “Tea, sure.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating turned to a small table where he had a kettle on and poured some for Nina and himself as she sat down on the (now emptied) chair. “Like some sugar or milk in it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, thanks,” Nina said, letting herself look around a little. “Gosh, they don’t give you much room here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating gave her her mug, settling down on his own chair with a little smile. “No, it’s part of the monastic oath. They don’t want worldly things distracting me from my teaching.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The mug of tea was warm against her skin and she held it with both of her hands, enjoying the warmness and the light of Keating’s office, so different from where she stood for the past half-hour or so. Her eyes settled on the closest picture to them on the desk, a black-and-white photograph or a short-haired blonde woman, smiling brightly, holding a big straw hat to her head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s pretty,” Nina said, motioning with her head to the picture. She recognized her almost immediately as Susan Lee, Keating’s wife. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s also in London.” Keating breathed out a laugh. “Makes it a little difficult.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina frowned. “How can you stand it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stand what?” Keating asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can go anywhere. You can do anything. How can you stand being here?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because I love teaching. I don’t want to be anywhere else.” His reply came so easily, so confident, and Nina watched him, troubled thoughts rising again in her head as she watched him drink from his mug. “What’s up?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina looked back at Keating’s face from where his fingers curled over the mug, eyes a little wide as if he woke her from a daydream. “I just talked to my father. He’s making me quit the play at Henley Hall.” She tried to smile at Keating, but it felt unconvincing even to herself. “Acting’s everything to me. I… But he doesn’t know, he— I can see his point. We’re not a rich family like Charlie’s. And we… He’s planning the rest of my life for me, and he’s never asked me what I want.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina winced a little in her place, her eyes fixed on her shoes, but Keating’s gentle voice made her look up to him again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you ever told your father what you just told me?” He asked. Nina could’ve laughed. “About your passion for acting. You ever show him that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead, she shook her head miserably. “I can’t.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why not?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t talk to him this way,” Nina said, voice trembling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating leaned forward a little, just enough to catch Nina’s eyes again. “Then you’re acting for him too. You’re playing the part of the dutiful daughter. I know this sounds impossible, but you have to talk to him. Show him who you are, what your heart wants.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now Nina </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> wanted to laugh. Of course, Keating had no idea — there was no way for him to know about her, to know about Tori. It just made her stomach turn. God, what would happen when her parents would find out she wasn’t planning to marry a man </span>
  <em>
    <span>ever</span>
  </em>
  <span>? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina found herself shaking her head, tears building in her eyes again. “I know what he’ll say.” She smiled bitterly. “He’ll tell me that acting’s a whim and I should forget it. That they’re counting on me. He’ll just tell me to put it out of my mind for my own good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are not an industrial servant,” Keating stressed. “If it’s not a whim for you, you prove it to him by your conviction and your passion. You show him that, and if he still doesn’t believe you, well, by then, you’ll be out of school and you can do anything you want.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina swallowed, shaking her head weakly. A tear fell from her eye and she looked down, not meeting Keating’s worried gaze. She sniffled her nose, wiping her tears forcefully with the back of her hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about the play? The show’s tomorrow night,” Nina said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then you have to talk to him before tomorrow night.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I…” Nina started, close to a sigh. “Isn’t there an easier way?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating’s response came comforting, yet without hesitation. “No.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina’s eyes were still fixed on the mug she held in her left hand, the way the orange light reflected on the brown tea, colouring it magically. A bitter chuckle escaped her lips as she clenched and unclenched her right fist, no longer controlling the tears that slowly fell down her face. “I’m trapped.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, you’re not.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina looked at him, meeting his worried and soft eyes, and she had no doubt he wanted what’s best for her, and that meant that what was best for her was not acting recklessly. Her shoulders dropped a little. She couldn’t do it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That night, Nina crashed into Tori’s bed when she came back from Keating’s office, curling around her extremely worried girlfriend — </span>
  <em>
    <span>How was rehearsal? Why didn’t you come to dinner? Where were you?</span>
  </em>
  <span> — and pressed herself against the familiar shape of Tori’s body against her own.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She muttered a few words into Tori’s neck, heart beating steady again as Tori’s arms came around her, hugging tightly, and Nina was unable to keep spiralling farther down. They fell asleep like that, laying tangled in Tori’s bed. They never slept that way until morning, too worried to get caught, but that night Nina was so exhausted she couldn’t care. Tori couldn’t miss the fact that something was very wrong, but let Nina sleep despite her nagging worry. It could wait for the morning. She breathed in Nina’s smell, her hair tickling the edge of her nose, and fell easily asleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next morning, Tori woke up before Nina as per usual and laid silently on the bed, pressed between the wall and Nina’s body, still warm and groggy from sleep. She combed her fingers gently through Nina’s bangs, feeling the soft hairs against her fingers, laying on her left side, Nina laying flat on her stomach.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was still early and they had no need to rush over to breakfast so Tori just continued to breathe quietly, enjoying the white sky at the window and the light that came inside their room, a cold winter sun lighting up their dorm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After some time, Nina stirred sleepily, opening one clouded brown eye to peer at Tori who still ran her hand gently through her hair. Tori’s lips curled up at the sight of sleepy Nina, looking so content, and pressed a kiss to Nina’s temple before sprawling her right hand and leg over Nina’s body, bringing her closer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She could feel Nina’s breathy chuckle against her cheek. “Morning,” Nina murmured.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good morning,” Tori said, letting her eyes close again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We should do this more,” Nina slurred. “Sleep tangled like this.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori hummed back in agreement. “We can push our beds together and we’ll have more space to spread. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like interior designers.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, someone has to make sure our home is presentable, no?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina leaned a little back from Tori’s body and cracked open one eye, looking at Tori with a small smile. “Home?” She asked, a breathy chuckle echoing the word.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori’s face flushed but she smiled back a little, nodding. Another quiet giggle rolled off Nina’s tongue and she pressed herself back against Tori. “Home,” she murmured, a little distantly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Last night at dinner, Nyssa told the girls that she was going to read out the poem she wrote for Cris that morning. Tori wondered if she should tell Nina about that, to make her laugh at Nyssa’s persistence with the other boy, but the words died at her mouth. She could feel vividly how distracted Nina was, absent-minded and quiet and stiff despite the warm comfort of Tori’s bed. She desperately wanted to ask her what was wrong, to find answers to all the questions gnawing her mind in worry, to do anything to make her feel better.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori played with the ends of Nina’s hair, brushing the strands against her fingertips like a paintbrush, brows furrowed a little as she thought. She was just about to open her mouth when she felt a puff of air that Nina exhaled against her skin, then Nina beat her up to speak up first.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’re you thinking about?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sappho,” Tori said half-heartedly, savouring the little laugh breaking out of Nina. “You know, the whole </span>
  <em>
    <span>may you sleep on the breast of your tender woman companion</span>
  </em>
  <span> thing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We really are living it at the highest level, huh?” Nina murmured.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But really,” Tori said quietly, “I’m thinking about you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She let Nina slide easily from her embrace to glance at her face. Nina watched her, brows furrowed a little and mouth a thin line.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m just worried a little, Nina,” Tori began, heart constricting in her chest. “I want to help you feel better how I can.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry,” Nina said, her throat audibly tight. Tori watched as a few tears welled up in her brown eyes, the tired expression returning to Nina’s features after looking so peaceful just moments ago. “I’m sorry,” she added finally, words choked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori hugged her close, bringing their bodies together, a hand on the back of Nina’s head. “It’s okay. It’s okay,” she said, pressing a kiss to Nina’s hair. “It’s okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina trembled against her, her warm tears rolling against Tori’s neck. Tori murmured soft whispers of comfort, letting Nina focus on her breathing until she would let it all out and be ready to talk. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori remembered that one night when Nina first kissed the inside of her thigh and the way she teared up, completely overwhelmed from the way that her heart swelled and constricted at the tenderness in Nina’s touch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The way Nina’s warm eyes watched her, half-lidded, not missing Tori’s stifled reaction and waiting for her to speak, wanting to understand because she understood </span>
  <em>
    <span>Tori</span>
  </em>
  <span> and knew it meant something. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That very night, with Nina flashed against her, the two of them filling their dorm — their </span>
  <em>
    <span>home</span>
  </em>
  <span> — with sweet gasps and sighs, Tori came to the conclusion that loving was seeing someone as they were and them seeing you right back. Knowing and being known.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After long moments, with Nina’s body no longer shaking against Tori, the girl leaned back from her to face her, eyes and cheeks puffy, pink and red from crying, hair muffled from both that and sleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Troi brought her hand to trace Nina’s jaw, her breath catching in her throat for a moment at the way Nina </span>
  <em>
    <span>melted</span>
  </em>
  <span> into her touch. “Do you… want to talk about it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina shook her head, letting out a quiet breath. “It’s just nerves — because of the play. And my father. It’ll be fine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright,” Tori said, her mouth tugging up when Nina met her eyes. “I’m still willing to listen, though.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina smiled back tiredly, but honestly all the same. “We can talk about it after the play,” she promised.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina ran her hand through Tori’s hair, drinking down Tori’s humming as Tori closed her bright eyes. Nina could spend her whole life just running her fingers through those honey strands, tugging a little at the soft hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was easier to breathe now, and finally Nina could completely relax to the morning spent at Tori’s side so freely. Her father still burdened the back of her mind, clutching his way to her worries, but she pushed him away for now. She could think about him later. Now she felt her shoulders relaxing from all the tension she cried out, and god, Tori was so warm and sweet against her, how could she let herself get lost in her fears just a moment after she let Tori’s comfort dawn on her? Even her father wasn’t that powerful.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I kiss you?” Nina asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori smiled. “Yes, please.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was how almost each of their days began if Nina was the one to kiss her first. She was always so worried — funnily enough, more so than Tori. Tori didn’t think they had crossed a day in which Nina had kissed her for the first time of that day before asking her that short question, making sure that it was still okay, that everything that was growing between them was okay with her</span>
  <em>
    <span>.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina kissed Tori’s forehead, her lips parting slowly against her skin, then down to her cheek, then her neck. The sweetness of Nina’s mouth turned breathy and open-mouthed, bringing a sigh out of Tori. She brought up Nina’s face from her neck, a hand on Nina’s cheek as she kissed Nina.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They missed breakfast but thankfully had a free period before their English class, with McCallister gone out from Hell-ton to visit his sister in an urgent matter or something of the like. After catching a pair of apples and buns from the dining hall, the two of them joined the others in the student lounge, killing off time until Keating’s class rolled closer, with Nyssa still out on her mission to woo Cris — or whatever it was she was attempting to do.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina’s mood was clearly lifted and Tori felt like there was a shimmering sun inside of her, wrapping up her insides and filling her in smugness and contentment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori was sitting on one of the couches, Nina propped on the armrest beside her, her legs sprawled over Tori’s thighs as she leaned close, whispering sweet nothingness in her ears and teasing Tori. Their friends lounged around them, playing chess and chatting aimlessly, their laughter filling the room. Tori was flustered, flushed deep and trying to stifle her smile, greatly enjoying every moment. She loved seeing Nina like that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop it, you’re making me all red,” Tori murmured, shoving her shoulder against Nina’s playfully.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm, I think you look rather cute,” Nina mused sweetly as she drew closer to her again. “Your heart racing just for me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori took Nina’s hand and brought it to her heart, pressing Nina’s palm to her chest with a lopsided smile. It grew to a grin at the way Nina lost her trail of thought, words dying on her tongue as her cheeks flushed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You tell me,” Tori said to her, voice barely above a whisper, drinking the way Nina’s eyes widened slightly, caught totally unprepared for Tori’s action.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori absent-mindedly thought that maybe they should go back to their dorm. She chuckled quietly, her eyes dropping to catch Nina licking her lips, and let her gaze move from Nina as her cheeks heated up again. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Right. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Her eyes met Meeks’ who sat on the floor, watching the exchange from the side of her eyes, aiming at slick but failing miserably as Tori caught her gaze. Tori flushed a deep red and let Nina’s hand drop, embarrassed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina, unaware, cleared her throat a little and told Tori distractedly that she was going to bring herself some water. Tori nodded at her in response, a smile playing at her lips at the sight of Nina’s winded and dimpled smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina stood up from Tori’s side and left the student lounge and without missing a beat, Meeks got up from the floor and took her place on the armrest, trying to seem casual as she sat next to Tori.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, have you been sleeping better lately?” Meeks asked her, her words masked by the chatter of the lounge. “You haven’t come up to the roof in a while now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was true. Now, whenever Tori’s anxiety roared at night she had Nina with her, and no longer was the guilt of dreaming — and thinking, too — about Nina weighing her down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Tori said, “Sorry I left you all alone up in the cold.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine,” Meeks assured. “Just wondered if you took care of what kept you all up and jittery.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not entirely,” Tori confessed, which was true — being with Nina didn’t magically take care of her already existing anxiety, but it sure helped to have Nina by her side and patiently wait for her to come back down. “But I’m good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks raised her eyebrows at her, eyes sharp, and Tori had no doubt she knew about Nina and her. What was more surprising than her figuring it out was Tori figuring her throat didn’t tighten so much she felt like she was suffocating. She knew she could trust Meeks not only when they were the only two waking girls at the top of the boarding house. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks smiled. “Glad to see it all worked out,” she said simply.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks,” Tori chuckled. “Me too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa rushed into the lounge hurriedly, Nuwanda immediately bolting up to stand next to her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, how’d it go?” Nuwanda asked, putting an arm around Nyssa’s shoulder. “Did you read it to him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa was positively </span>
  <em>
    <span>beaming</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “Yeah.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The girls cheered for her as she sat down, Pitts clapping on her back proudly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’d he say?” Nuwanda demanded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing,” Nyssa said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nuwanda huffed. “Nothing? What do you mean, nothing?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing,” Nyssa repeated. She grinned at her friends, shrugging. “But I did it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He said nothing?” Nuwanda asked incredulously. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He had to say </span>
  <em>
    <span>something</span>
  </em>
  <span>!” Pitts stressed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa shrugged again before lying down on her back, her grin widening. Then Nina entered the lounge again, a half-empty cup of water in her hand when she noticed Nyssa sprawled on the carpet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How’d it go, Nyssa?” She asked excitedly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa titled her head back to look at Nina, flashing her a smug look. “I seized the day, Nina!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Later that day they spent Literature listening to classical music from Keating’s record player. It was rusty-looking but the melody it carried around the room was as wonderful and comforting as if they were listening to a live chorus. The students wore blindfolds, sitting at their desks with the music in their ears and Keating’s words in their heads. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina was the last one at her seat after the bell rang, taking off her blindfold only when Keating finally turned off the music. She blinked her eyes at the daylight slipping into the room, a contrast to the darkness behind her eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She didn’t want to get up, to leave her place and go get ready for her play. She felt a little sick with both excitement and worry, fearful as to how her show will turn out. She picked her reading glasses from her desk, fidgeting with them in her hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating sat down on the chair in front of her desk, leaning his torso against the back of the wooden seat with raised eyebrows as Nina stayed in her place.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you talk to your father?” Keating asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina felt her heart sink all the way down to the floor. “Uh, yeah.” She smiled up at him, fingers still roaming her glasses nervously. “He doesn’t like it one bit, but at least he lets me stay in the play. He won’t be able to make it. He’s in Chicago.” She tried to smile at him again, though it came out much tighter than she meant it to. “But I think he’s gonna let me stay with acting.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really? You told him what you told me?” He asked, eyes glittering.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina’s heart ached with guilt at his proud voice, though she couldn’t tell him the truth. She simply couldn’t.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Nina said, her eyes dropping away from him. “He wasn’t happy. But he’ll be gone at least four days. I don’t think he’ll make the show, but I think he’ll let me stay in it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating’s eyebrows furrowed for a moment, a flicker of uncertainty passing across his features. Then it was gone, and he gave her a small smile. Nina was partly relieved. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She gathered her things, pushing her books into her bag before she stood up. “Thanks,” she told him as she made her way out, feeling his eyes on her as she left. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That night, the girls got ready for Nina’s play, all dressed up in the bathroom filled with their excited giggles. The wore their nice clothes, some chose dresses and some a pair of button-ups and skirts, hair tidy and faces clean. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pitts fixed her makeup in front of the mirror, Meeks and Tori on each of her sides. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Baby,</span>
  </em>
  <span>” she said, voice deep as she made a face at her reflection.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks cackled a little, then said in an equally deep and mocking tone: “Beautiful baby.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori laughed, feeling almost intoxicated at the thrill of seeing Nina’s show. “Henley Hall, here I come,” she said quietly to the mirror, pulling a stray strand of hair and pinning it with a brown hairpin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cameron stepped in front of Tori to fix her braid by the mirror. “Excuse me, just a moment.” She winked at herself after she finished, grinning at herself. “Yes, </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If seeing Nina perform wasn’t enough, then the other girls were ecstatic about going out as well. Tori cackled as she shoved Cameron playfully, messing with her just for the sake of it, just because she felt so high. Then she leaned against the sink, her back to the mirror.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“C’mon, Tori, I’m trying to fix this,” Cameron groaned, but there was no real malice behind her words.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks tilted her head the mirror around to the toilet stalls, calling out, “C’mon, Nuwanda, we’re gonna miss Nina’s entrance.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She said something about getting sharp before we left,” Pitts offered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Getting sharp?” Cameron asked with a frown. “What is she on about now?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He—” Pitts began, then faltered. “Well, you know Charlie.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The stall door opened in a sharp movement and Nuwanda stepped outside. Tori was the only one facing her, the others still turned away and unaware of the sight unfolded before the Tori — Nuwanda, her long hair cut to short strands like a boy’s, smirking like goddamn Cheshire Cat, and above all: wearing a suit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, Nuwanda, what’s this ‘getting sharp’ bit?” Meeks asked, fully turning around, her expression shifting from teasing to surprised as she faced Nuwanda.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cameron and Nyssa turned too and stood shocked, Nyssa managing out an appreciative </span>
  <em>
    <span>oooh</span>
  </em>
  <span> as Pitts stood in her place, too occupied in getting ready to notice the change in the room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori felt a wide smile spread on her face. “What is </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span>?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is Nuwanda,” came the easy reply. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks’ voice was light, the way it sounded when she was grinning and not trying to stifle her smile for once. “Ohh, come on then, Nuwanda.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks began to leave the room and the girls followed her, Pitts suddenly noticing the change in Nuwanda and beaming at her in joy. They were even more excited than they were before, giggles and laughter spilling out of them as they made their way through Hell-ton. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori’s hand found Nuwanda’s shoulder and she squeezed it a little, and the look Tori received from her was both vulnerable and frightened now that the smugness washed off her face. Tori instantly understood — she wasn’t sure yet what it was she understood, but she did, nevertheless.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They crossed the main hall on their way to meet Keating at his car in the teachers’ driveway like royalty, putting on their scarves and coats to protect themselves out of the winter cold. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Henley Hall,” breathed out Pitts giddily. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cameron twirled as she put on her scarf, walking ahead of the rest of the group when she halted to a sudden stop. “Whoa.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their chatter died down and the group turned their heads to the left, towards the direction of another exit from the hall, following where Cameron looked. They stopped in their place, now next to Cameron, finding a tall guy, just around their age, standing at the doorstep with the doors still open behind him as the wind howled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was snow in his blonde hair and on his grey coat, and he stood uncomfortably, his hands fisted in the pockets of his coat. Nuwanda’s happy whistles had already died at her lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cris,” was all Nyssa said before she strode towards him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What? </span>
  </em>
  <span>“What are you doing here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating’s cheerful voice reached them suddenly, all the way from down the hall where he stood at the exit to the driveway. “Ladies, let’s go.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa and Cris spoke hushed words to each other, and frankly, Tori thought the boy looked as exasperated as an exhausted father.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa’s head turned to her friends at Keating’s words. “Go ahead, girls, I’ll catch up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nuwanda, shaking herself from the shared dazed state that fell upon the group in their confusion, spoke up. “Yeah, come on, girls.” She put her hands on Cameron and Pitts, pulling them with her as they gaped at Cris.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori and Meeks followed suit, Tori still watching Nyssa and Cris from the corner of her eyes. They all reached Keating eventually and got in the car, back at their excited state, suddenly reminded where they were going.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t every day that students could leave campus, let alone such a big group — but it was considered a special occasion, and with Keating more than eager to chaperone them, it has been sealed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After all the girls got into Keating’s old car, the man stopped at the driver’s door, his eyes catching on Nyssa and Cris as they stood at the doorstep to the hall, now outside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Will you be joining us, Ms. Overstreet?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa’s head snapped towards Keating and the girls in the car before she sent him a polite smile. “Go ahead, Captain,” she said, “I’ll walk.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They barely made it on time to Henley Hall. Tori sat between Nuwanda and Keating, the other girls seated with them in the same row. Nyssa wasn’t there with them, but Tori saw her sneak inside with Cris and take a seat at the back row.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The theatre was dimly-lit and when Nina popped up on the stage behind a fake tree, their entire row rolled with bubbling laughter. Nina’s hair was up in a braided crown, beautiful and fitting, with a flower crown on top of her head — brown branches, twigs with red berries on it. She wore a black oversized shirt and black pants with a pair of gloves to complete the look, and she shone so bright in Tori’s eyes she didn’t even need the light to fall on her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nuwanda was clapping and standing up, beaming. “Hey, there she is!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori’s gaze didn’t falter from Nina when Cameron hissed and Nuwanda as she pulled Nuwanda back to her seat, grinning in adoration at Nina as she moved on stage.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina had a sort of bracelet made of twigs tied to her palms which she hid her face behind, running across the stage, crouching as she came near another actress. The other girl was blonde, dressed the same other than her white flower crown with green flowers on it. She was shorter than Nina and the two danced around each other, treading slowly as the music grew quieter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Either I mistake your shape or making quite,” began the blonde girl, “or else you are that shrewd and knavish sprite called Robin Goodfellow.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina, who held her hands in front of her face to shield from the girl’s gaze, put them down. “Thou speak’st aright; I am that merry wanderer of the night. I jest to Oberon and make him smile when I fat and bean-fed horse, beguile. Neighing in likeness of a filly foal. Sometimes lurk I in a gossip’s bowl, in very likeness of a roasted crab, and when she drinks, against her lips I bob and on her wither’d dewlap pour the ale.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As Nina spoke — or rather Puck did — she did not cradle the girl’s cheek in her hand like she did Tori’s when Tori spent the afternoon by the lake, helping Nina practice her lines to that very scene. Tori couldn’t help the smile growing on her face at that revelation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nuwanda leaned over, closer to Tori. “She’s good. She’s really good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As the play rolled on, Tori felt her pride grew inside her into something bigger and bigger. She couldn’t wait for the show to be over so she could hold Nina tight, tell her how good she was and how she stole the show — while in the same breath, Tori wanted to watch Nina act forever. She was a mesmerizing being upon the stage, with the stage lights sharpening her face and her words ringing off the walls. Even more so than usual.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Backstage, Nina hid behind the curtains as she joyously watched the audience’s reactions, ready to step up into the next scene the moment her cue would be said. Her eyes were on Tori when she heard her cue and she stepped forward, halting when her eyes fell on someone entering the theatre. The air was sucked out of her lungs upon recognizing her father’s stern scowl and folded arms. She stumbled back behind her peeking spot and into the shadows, lost. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her father stood behind the back row, checking his watch before looking back to the stage. Why was he here? He didn’t look like he was about to turn away and leave through the door he came in from. Nina felt as if she had been tossed into ice-freezing water, chilled to her bones.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nina,” said the director. “That’s your cue, Nina.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina turned to face him, dazed. She had no other option. The director gave her her flower crown.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, Nina,” he ushered. “Here’s your crown. Let’s go.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina put her crown on and stepped onstage, grateful for the blinding stage lights.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was the final scene, Tori knew — precisely because she had witnessed Nina describe and practice it over a thousand times in their dorm. Henley Hall was in pitch darkness until a single light turned on, shining upon Nina’s turned figure. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She slowly tilted her head back to face the audience, a look of deep contentment on her face. She held her arms to her chest, her palms crossed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina’s eyes wandered over the audience as she spoke. “If we shadows have offended,” she began, then nearly choked on her tongue as her eyes fell on her father. Her heart sank — the lights weren’t bright enough for her to ignore his roaring presence anymore. Soon the play would be over and she’ll have to step off from Puck’s life and back into her own. “Think but this, and all is mended, that you have but slumber’d here while these visions did appear. And this weak and idle theme, no more yielding than a dream, gentles, do not reprehend: if you pardon, we will mend. And, as I am an honest Puck, if we have unearned luck, now to ‘scape the serpent’s tongue, we will make amends ere long; else the Puck a liar call.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She sucked in a breath, shaken from her father’s unwavering gaze. “So, good night to you all. Give me your hands, if we be friends, and Robin shall restore amends.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The silk curtain closed slowly as she stepped back and the theatre erupted in cheers. Backstage, everyone was ecstatic, high on their success and hard work. Nina felt frozen. Trapped. Her father had managed to ruin this for her, too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She stayed in her place as the cast gathered in a row with her, one of her friends kissing her cheek with a wide smile. He told her something — he was proud of her, proud of all of them, or something of the like — and others congratulated her too, but she barely managed to send them a tight smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The curtains opened and they bowed to the audience. Nina could make out the Dead Poets clapping madly, the rest of the theatre joining them in standing up. Nina was pushed forward by the other actors, unable to help her embarrassed grin growing in pride.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yawp!” Came the familiar roar, loud even above the noise of frantic clapping. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, Nina!” Nuwanda called out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina bowed alone, forgetting her fears for a moment. She was soaring. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The curtain closed again and she turned to her castmates, breathing out in relief, laughing, sharing their excitement and thrill. They hugged and cheered, and for another second, Nina felt like everything was okay. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat down, babbling on and on about what went wrong and what didn’t, delaying their inevitable clean-up for a few more minutes, buzzing with laughter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The director — a young man who used to take theatre classes when he was in high-school — came closer to them and leaned close to Nina, worried. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your father,” he began weakly, “He’s…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t need to finish his sentence for Nina’s smile to disappear. She nodded curtly, standing up and turning to change into her normal clothes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She left backstage dressed in her coat and high-waisted trousers and grey button-up, her hair messy but still up. She stepped from behind the curtain, her flower crown in her hand and her bag on her shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The theatre was nearly empty, the remaining people now leaving through the exit. Her father stood firmly in the same spot he remained in when he watched her, back straight as he waited for her. She tried smiling at him, her face numb. It quickly faltered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A bitter dread settled in her stomach, planting roots through her body and spreading everywhere. After they left the theatre, her father pushed people out of his way, making a trial to his car and out of Henley Hall. Her head hung low as she followed him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Excuse me, please,” he said through gritted teeth. “Excuse me. Excuse me, please.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She heard her friends calling her name, their voices as excited as she was what felt like a lifetime ago. She looked towards them, no energy left in her to face them and share their happiness with her father at her heel. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her friends clapped, cheering her name, telling her how they loved her. Keating stood next to Tori as she caught Nina’s eyes, and by god, did Nina look drained. Not from the show, but the sort of shadow that fell over Nina’s eyes whenever her father was mentioned. Tori looked at her, searching for anything in her face to explain what was happening — she knew Mr. Perry wasn’t supposed to be there, wasn’t supposed to know — and all that Nina offered her was a sad shrug and a bitter smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t, girls,” Nina said weakly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nina,” Tori called, not knowing what else to say. She felt cold inside, watching Nina going after her father helplessly. Nina was a sun, warm and bright, now numb, not radiating any of the warmth that once came from her. No longer the being that brought life into the words of Dickenson, Alcott, Ginsberg, reciting lines with a fiery light and a crown made of twigs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The girls kept calling Nina’s names, now growing desperate. They understood, too, that something was very wrong. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They managed to leave the crowd and Keating rushed after Nina, towards the sidewalk. “Nina, Nina,” he stopped her, gazing proudly upon his student. “You have the gift. What a performance. You left even </span>
  <em>
    <span>me</span>
  </em>
  <span> speechless.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina’s face broke into a little smile, letting herself be lost in the comfort of his words. Her father, down by the car, came rushing back to her and Keating, burning in anger.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get in the car,” he spat, like a bark or an edge of a knife. “Keating, you stay </span>
  <em>
    <span>away</span>
  </em>
  <span> from my daughter.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina made her way to the car like a beaten animal. Nuwanda stepped forward, now by Keating’s side. “Nina. Nina,” she nearly begged, but Nina closed the door by the driver’s seat without responding. Nuwanda’s eyes jumped to Nina’s father. “Mr. Perry, come on.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating stopped Nuwanda with his arm before she took another step closer. Mr. Perry walked to the driver’s seat, not sparing them another look.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t make it any worse than it is,” Keating said quietly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori stood behind them, catching Nina’s sad eyes as the car drove off. Then they were gone. Tori couldn’t tear her eyes from where the car stood still just a moment ago, the snow grey where the wheels drove and stained it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nuwanda’s arm was over her shoulder, shaking her back to the moment. She felt sick to her stomach. “Is it alright if we walk back?” Nuwanda asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating didn’t react, seemingly as shaken and caught up in what had happened as Tori was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Captain?” Nuwanda called.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating nodded absent-mindedly, then met Tori’s disturbed expression with a worried one of his own. Tori looked back at the empty road, then again at Keating, before Nuwanda dragged her through the snow and towards the direction of Hell-ton. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Nina stepped inside her house behind her father her mother was inside, smoking worriedly as she often did, sitting on that ugly yellow couch they owned. The silence weighed on Nina’s shoulders the longer her parents carried it and she sat down on the other couch, a set to her mother’s, her father standing between them furiously. Nina’s eyes didn’t leave the burnt point in the carpet on the floor from when her mother accidentally burned a hole in it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After what felt like a lifetime, her father cleared his throat. “We’re trying very hard to understand why it is that you insist on defying us. Whatever the reason, we’re not going to let you ruin your life. Tomorrow I’m withdrawing you from Welton and enrolling you in Braden Military School. You’re going to Harvard and you’re going to be a doctor.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina looked up to him, shocked to her very core. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Military school?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Her eyes moved to her mother, desperate for the woman to meet her gaze, only to fail miserably. She looked back at her father. “But that’s ten more years,” Nina tried, voice tight and desperate. “Father, that’s a lifetime.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop it,” he demanded. “Don’t be so dramatic. You make it sound like a prison term. You don’t understand, Nina. You have opportunities that your mother never even dreamed of. I am not going to let you waste them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina shot up from the couch, standing face to face with her father. “I’ve got to tell you what </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> feel.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ve been so worried about—” her mother began.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Her father shouted. “What? Tell me what you feel.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes bored into hers and she couldn’t bring herself to speak, her words caught in her throat. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her father’s face was red. “What is it?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now her mother was looking at her, too, tears in her eyes. Her father only had rage in his. God, they were both so </span>
  <em>
    <span>weak</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Right now, Nina felt weaker.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is this more of this… this acting business?” Her father asked. “Because you can forget that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her eyes dropped to the side. She couldn’t stand looking at them. She felt… </span>
  <em>
    <span>numb</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her father took a step closer. “What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina shrugged, feeling so very small. “Nothing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her father watched her, chin held high, eyes so sharp they cut her heart open. He would never understand, never truly see — he just watched her. He never thought of it. She </span>
  <em>
    <span>hated</span>
  </em>
  <span> him for that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She sat down again, not meeting any of their eyes. Her fingers fidgeted with her crown — dried twigs, so fragile — and her father sighed exasperatedly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sounded so far away. Nina couldn’t bring herself to be present anymore. She felt stomped on, mussed against that burnt carpet, tears threatening to stain it along with the cigarette ashes gathered there over the course of many years.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, then,” he began again, and just from the tone of his voice Nina knew he wasn’t talking to her anymore, “Let’s go to bed.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She wasn’t yet alone but she was always alone in that cold house she grew up in, tears building in her eyes as her father strode out of the room. Her mother began to follow but stopped when she passed her chair, crouching by her daughter with a hand on Nina’s knee.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was probably supposed to be comforting, but her mother’s touch wasn’t more than an unsatisfactory apology for a long time now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her mother didn’t say anything, and Nina didn’t know if it was better or worse. She didn’t care anymore. She didn’t look at her mother’s pitiful face — who was she to feel as if </span>
  <em>
    <span>she</span>
  </em>
  <span> was the victim now when Nina’s heart had been torn out of her chest so violently it was throbbing on their living-room floor? Once, a lifetime ago, Nina might have been able to grow close to her mother, but now she felt to Nina but a ghost of the woman who raised her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was good,” Nina mumbled, more to herself than anything. “I was really good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her mother rubbed her knee in a circle, then stood up. “Go on, get some sleep.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her mother left the room, and Nina tore her eyes from staring into space, so bitter her mouth tasted like metal.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Up in her bedroom, Nina’s fingers ghosted the fabric of her pyjamas she hadn’t worn since she left home in late August. All her things were still at Welton, waiting in her closet and desk for her to pick up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Christ, how much had changed since she went to Welton all those months ago. She thought of Tori, presumably sleeping in their shared home at the very moment. She longed for her, to feel Tori against her one last time, to hear her soft voice and amazing words, to be able to tell her how much she meant to Nina — how much Nina’s heart broke over her forced departure. Over her dying dream. Over leaving her friends, her family.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She will never see them again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina brought her hand away from her pyjama. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She took off her coat and hung it on the back of her chair, putting her crown on her desk. She felt like an intruder in her own room. It used to be her place, her only spot away from her parents, but it wasn’t hers anymore. All her belongings were still at Welton and left her old room naked, shelves and desk empty, closet open without anything to hold. She felt awfully lot like that crumbling piece of furniture.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She took off her shirt and trousers, putting on only the black shirt she wore as Puck. She picked up the crown and felt it in her hands, making her way with it towards the window beside her bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>All she wanted was to feel that thrill again, the way she stood just a few feet above the ground, her head in the stars and her heart swollen in happiness. It was nothing like that. Puck’s shirt was the same against her body, but it was useless when her skin was what had shifted in the last hours.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She opened the glass and let the coldness sweep inside the room, filling up the emptiness with the merciless winter air. The night was dark and blue, only bits of falling snow breaking the darkness in small pure dots.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The small hairs on her arms stood at the cold hitting her, and despite it she stood still, breathing it into her lungs like ice-cold water running down her throat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With cold fingers she put the crown on her head and closed her eyes. There was a lump in her throat, yet the world felt truly quiet for the first time in a long while.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She knew, very clearly, that this was the freest she’ll ever be again, and nothing could be done about it. After those ten years, what would come? A medical career, away from Vermont, away from her friends — away from herself. Tilting her head, eyes still closed, Nina made her decision. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She opened the door to her room as silently as possible, making her way barefooted downstairs. Her shadow loomed on the wall, monstrous — and perhaps that was what her father saw in her all along. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her parents were blissfully unaware — weren’t they always? — and she finally made it to her father’s office. As a kid, he never let her in, and she only saw it from outside or from the small window. Still, she knew without a doubt where to find anything she searched for because upon meeting Nuwanda and Pitts, she gained her courage and snuck inside on different occasions. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She held the small silver key between her fingers and with a steady hand opened the third drawer in her father’s desk. It clicked open and she took out the folded piece of cloth, heavy in her hands. The moon was her only light source, but she didn’t need to see anything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She sat at her father’s desk as she unfolded the cloth on the wood, revealing her father’s pistol inside. She sat still for a moment, her hands holding the gun against the desk. It was cold, just like her own skin, and her mind was empty.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nina felt so dead already. The gun did nothing compared to what her father had done. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>okay so this was very hard for me to write emotionally because I began this project something like four months ago and really connected with how I wrote Nina and really saw myself in her and then her suicide part loomed closer and I suddenly remembered what was supposed to happen and. yeah. <br/>anyway! hoped y'all enjoyed this, let me know how you feel about this chapter!! I'll start working on the last one pretty soon, hope it'll be up in the near future :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Tori stirred awake, all groggy limbs and bleary eyes, a firm hand on her shoulder. She expected to see Nina crouching beside her bed — only to be met with Nuwanda’s face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tori.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, Nuwanda.” Tori tried to turn in her bed, facing the wall and drift back into sleep. She had gone through a restless night and had only managed to drift off a couple of hours ago and was hoping to catch a few more before she had to face the day. She failed to notice Nuwanda’s tousled hair and trembling voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nuwanda brought Tori back to face her, forcing her awake. Tori finally opened both her eyes, leaning on her elbows. Nuwanda wore her coat over her pajamas, face more solemn than she was even after returning from Nolan’s office with bleeding knuckles.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori just looked at her, not yet fully comprehending what was going on. The cold white sky peeked into her dorm, lighting up Nuwanda’s face in sharp shadows. Why was her chin shaking like that? She was crying, Tori finally noticed, silent tears going down her face as she simply looked at Tori — willing Tori to </span>
  <em>
    <span>understand</span>
  </em>
  <span> without Nuwanda having to utter the words.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is it?” Tori asked, rubbing her left eye.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her eyes darted to the door, noticing Nyssa, Meeks, and Pitts standing there. All of their gazes were fixed on her, haunted, and her heart throbbed painfully at the sight. Meeks looked at her the most disturbingly, </span>
  <em>
    <span>apologizing</span>
  </em>
  <span> for something Tori had yet understood.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Something has gone horribly, horribly wrong. Did they —  was it possibly the rest of the girls found out about Nina and her?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori sat up completely, shaken to her core. She looked back at Nuwanda, her fingers curling onto her bedding anxiously.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori didn’t think she ever saw Nuwanda’s eyes look so hollow. “Nina’s dead.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The lake was long frozen, dark in contrast to the white engulfing the world. Tori dragged her legs in the deep snow, wearing her pajamas and boots and coat, not even noticing the thick snowflakes tangling in her scarf and hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wherever she looked, the echo of her memories with Nina floated around her. Everywhere her eyes fell she had done something with Nina — under every tree, leaning against every rock by the lake. How could such a thing happen? Tori felt like a part of her soul was gone with Nina, now only the raging winds left to fill up the space now empty inside of her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her friends ran after her, wearing their hoods to cover themselves from the falling snow. Tori was far away in her own world, the ghost of Nina’s sad eyes when she got into her father’s car feeling like a dagger into her heart as she stared into the emptiness of the white morning she woke up to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She came to a stop eventually, close to the entrance of the now bare forest. It was the same woods the Dead Poets went into on countless nights, yet now the relentless December weather blanketed it and it looked like a completely foreign place: pure and new. Tori could distantly hear her friends stop behind her waiting for something to happen. The silence had never been so suffocating in contrast to her roaring thoughts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She turned around to face her friends, a sad smile tugging at her lips. Her eyes didn't meet theirs but continued to look around as she breathed out quietly, “It’s so beautiful.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>None of her friends were looking around like her. When her gaze settled back on them, their sad eyes bore into her and her smile faltered at their furrowed brows. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori tried gathering her words but all that came out of her mouth were halting breaths as they quickened to break out of her. She felt sick and not long after, fell to her knees, and threw up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nuwanda rushed to her side, her hands moving Tori’s strands from her face. “Tori. It’s okay, Tori.” More hands were on her, rubbing her back soothingly as she puked her guts out, her body shaking and hands going numb from holding her up against the snow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori never used to cry. Her tears always got lost somewhere between the ache in her chest and her eyes, but right now she felt like a dam creaking open under the pressure of the flood. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Calm down,” came Pitts’ shaky voice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa was audibly crying with her. “It’s alright, Tori.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks sat in front of Tori as Tori wiped her mouth with the back of her palm. Tori put her hands back on the snow and put her forehead against them, Meeks watching her with a deep frown as Tori choked out the sobs she failed to hold inside, the cries rattling her chest.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tori, it’s okay,” Nuwanda soothed. She pulled Tori from her shoulders, helping her sit up again. “It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s alright.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori couldn’t stop crying, heart-wrenching sobs escaping her like a wounded animal. Pitts leaned her torso against Tori, wrapping her with her arms as she rocked Tori slowly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As Pitts tried to calm her down, Nuwanda began, “Now, listen—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori shook her head violently, tears streaming down her face. “She wouldn’t have done it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can’t explain it, Tori,” Meeks said, exhausted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was her father,” Tori babbled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” Nyssa choked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She wouldn’t have left us.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>She wouldn’t have left me</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Tori thought bitterly. Her words came out more feverish, more rushed, more incomprehensible. “She wouldn’t have. Her father—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nuwanda on her side cupped Tori’s face, making her meet her eyes. Pitts wasn’t rocking her anymore but still hugged her from behind. “Tori.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Her father did it,” she insisted. She wiped her running nose with her hand, breaking away from Nuwanda’s touch and looking at Meeks for support. “Her father did it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can’t explain it, Tori,” Nyssa said, her hand squeezing Tori’s shoulder where she touched her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nuwanda tried to make her look at her again, but Tori couldn’t bear it anymore. She broke free from Nyssa, Pitts, and Nuwanda’s grip, running towards the naked woods — taking the same route she could walk blindly, knowing that Nina would never take it again with her. She ran, stumbling in the deep snow before steadying herself up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nuwanda called her name after her, ready to sprint and follow her footsteps, but Meeks stopped her. “Leave her be.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori ran, her tears freezing up against her cheeks as she went on. Her heart was torn open, leaving a red trail on the white snow behind her. She screamed Nina’s name with every bit of air she had in her trembling lungs before falling down on the snow, only to rise and continue running, then fall again. She ran until her legs gave out completely and laid on the snow, sobs breaking out of her.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I will singing go / I shall not feel the sleet then / I shall not fear the snow</span>
  </em>
  <span>, wrote Dickinson. Nina loved Dickinson.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Against the frozen ground, Tori thought of all her knowledge about Nina and what she will do with it now. Tori knew a lot of things about Nina — she was Tori’s best friend even without being the object of her affection. She knew Nina used to build a tree-house in some hidden place in her town when she was eight but stopped because one day she found out it wasn’t a deserted house, but that some old man actually lived in the yard she played in and she got so scared he would yell at her for trespassing that she never came back to that place again. She knew how Nina loved to hear just how </span>
  <em>
    <span>queer</span>
  </em>
  <span> some authors and poets were (because she knew it was a sort of affirmation that she yearned for too), she knew what type of tea was Nina’s favorite, what her favorite place around town was — even what was her least favorite song in the whole world, and how she would never admit it aloud because it was Pitts’ favorite. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She knew physical things about Nina, too, like what words would make Nina’s eyes widen just slightly and her cheeks to color, or where to kiss at below her jaw to make Nina sigh in a way that made Tori’s heart pulse and throb. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>What was she to do with all that knowledge now? It will surely bring her nothing but heartache. She thought of that day Nina told her how, when she was younger, she felt like a part of her soul was stuck up in the sky. Pulling her towards it painfully while feeling so trapped in her home. Tori had asked her, </span>
  <em>
    <span>does a part of you still look at the sky and hurt?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>It was somewhere close to where Tori was probably lying right now. Both of them draped on the grass, deep in the woods, Nina tilting her head from looking at the sky to face Tori beside her. Her fingers had squeezed Tori’s gently, then she smiled fondly, shyly, telling her that no, not anymore, because the sky was the color of Tori’s eyes and how could Tori possibly make her soul hurt?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori had melted like warm honey that day in the late November chill, savoring Nina’s warm words and body, but now as she laid, only a few weeks later, her heart bled out into the snow. Tori couldn’t even find the place they had laid that day with her eyes, the grass being long drowned in white.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She didn’t know how long she had been there, slowly becoming one with the cold earth below her and the frozen sky above her. Eventually, Meeks made it to her, a fiery orange in the middle of the storm. She forced Tori’s frozen figure up and slipped her arm below Tori’s arms, helping her stumble back to campus. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks didn’t say much. She was crying silently at Tori’s side, and Tori couldn’t quite believe how lucky she was to have her as her friend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They came out of the woods, making their way slowly back towards the building. “I loved her, Meeks.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks looked at her, a sigh at her lips. “I know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She said nothing of the likes of </span>
  <em>
    <span>we all did</span>
  </em>
  <span>, even thought it was true. Meeks knew it wasn’t really the same.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At that time, Keating was seated in his classroom, dressed in a simple brown sweater at his desk. His heart was heavy despite the lightness that welcomed him in the early hours of the day, the news that reached his ears that very morning still ringing in his ears.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He made his way to Nina’s desk, sitting down and opening her desk and revealing on top of the books and piles of notes the copy of </span>
  <em>
    <span>Five Centuries of Verse</span>
  </em>
  <span> he had given her at the beginning of the year.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It felt like there was a great divide between him and her; between the girl he knew with the bright eyes and confident grin, and the cold desk in the cold classroom he sat in now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He opened the first page of the book, his beloved wife’s words swirling in front of him — and he was reminded of his darling in that age, of when they both chased after something that will just feel </span>
  <em>
    <span>real </span>
  </em>
  <span>to them. It was suffocating, the numbness he knew and tried to drown with the words and emotions of romantics, just as the storm raging outside was closing in on him.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>To Be Read At the Opening of D.P.S. Meetings</span>
  </em>
  <span>, read the title of the first page. He barely got through the first paragraph before he was hit with a wave of melancholy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating found himself crying. With his head in his hands, he let himself come undone in the empty classroom, guilt and sorrow wrenching his gut. He couldn’t believe how close he was to help her, how easily she slipped through his fingers, how he failed to stop her from reaching her final decision if he simply insisted she came back to Welton with her friends. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now all he had was a wrinkling book. It didn’t weigh quite as heavy when he handed it over to Nina — and it had little to do with the additions she wrote down in it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mere hours later, Nolan delivered a speech in front of the entire school in Nina’s memory. Tori’s eyes stung and she couldn’t bring herself to hear any of his words, and when they all stood up to sing the prayer in Nina’s name she could barely see what was written in front of her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She wasn’t crying anymore, she just felt numb. At her side, her friends cried, but Nuwanda stood still — not even pretending to read, but staring off into space.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The death of Nina Perry is a tragedy,” Nolan said. “She was a fine student. One of Welton’s best.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori wanted to walk up the podium and kick him in the shins.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And she will be missed. We’ve contacted each of your parents to explain the situation. Naturally, they’re all quite concerned.” He paused for a moment, and Tori’s eyes drifted towards him despite herself. “At the request of Nina’s family, I intend to conduct a thorough enquiry into this matter. Your complete cooperation is expected.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The remainders of the Dead Poets sat at a supply closet — unable to bring themselves back to the cave knowing Nina would not join them, not ever. They sat in the relative dark and smoked, heavy-hearted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori felt melancholy cling to her every bit — her bones, her nerves, her blood-cells. Before Nina, Tori was certain she was a ghost: invisible when she willed to be, without anyone noticing her moves or stride, her words uttered quietly in the places where she was supposed to belong. Then she fell into the same steps at Hell-ton, only that Nina’s eyes caught her flesh and blood and didn’t let her slip back away from existence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fright struck Tori’s heart — was she to turn back into a ghost now? Now that Nina was no longer there to look across the room and notice her? Now that she felt herself losing touch again?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(Deep down, she knew it wouldn’t happen. Meeks saw her, as did Pitts and Nuwanda and Nyssa and even Cameron. But the fear was there, bitter and twisted and ugly.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You told her about this meeting?” Asked Nuwanda impatiently, blowing out smoke like a goddamn chimney. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Twice,” Meeks said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nuwanda ran her left hand through her short hair, an anxious tick she picked up from Nina. “That’s it, girls. We’re all fried.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean?” Pitts asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nuwanda shook her leg, jittery and angry. “Cameron’s a fink. She’s in Nolan’s office right now, finking.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pitts drew out a long breath, a cloud of smoke growing in front of her sharp features. “About what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“About the club, Pittsie,” Nuwanda snapped. “Think about it. The board of directors, the trustees and Mr. Nolan. Do you think for one moment they’re gonna let this thing just blow over? Schools go down because of things like this. They need a scapegoat.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The door creaked open and they put out their cigarettes quickly in an improvised ashtray they created out of a metal bowl. In slow steps entered Cameron the supply closet, face natural despite her tense shoulders. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s going on, girls?” Cameron asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nuwanda stood up sharply, tossing her cigarette into the ashtray. “You finked, didn’t you, Cameron?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Finked?” The ginger huffed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You told Nolan everything about the club is what I’m talking about.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cameron stepped closer to Nuwanda, her face calm despite Nuwanda’s raging anger. “Look, in case you hadn’t heard, Dalton, there’s something called an honor code at this school, alright? If a teacher asks you a question, you tell the truth or you’re expelled.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You little punk—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa and Meeks grabbed each of Nuwanda’s arms, struggling to hold her back from launching herself on Cameron. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s a rat!” Spat Nuwanda. “She’s in it up to her eyes, so she ratted to save herself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t touch her,” Nyssa hissed, “You do and you’re out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nuwanda scoffed. “I’m out anyway!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t know that, not yet,” Nyssa insisted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s right there, Nuwanda,” Cameron said, pointing at Nyssa. “And if you girls are smart, you will do exactly what I did and cooperate.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks and Nyssa let go of the no-longer struggling Nuwanda. Nuwanda took in slow breathes, trying to calm down as she fixed her blazer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They’re not after </span>
  <em>
    <span>us</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” continued Cameron. “We’re the victims. Us and Nina.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s that mean? Who are they after?” Asked Nuwanda.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Why,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Mr. Keating, of course. The </span>
  <em>
    <span>Captain </span>
  </em>
  <span>himself. I mean, you girls didn’t really think he could avoid responsibility, did you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Tori screamed internally. It had nothing to do with Keating. Cameron knew that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nuwanda frowned deeply. “Mr. Keating’s responsible for Nina? Is that what they’re saying?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, who else do you think, dumbass?” Cameron asked. “The administration? Mr. Perry? Mr. Keating put us up to all this crap, didn’t he? If it wasn’t for Mr. Keating, Nina would be cozied up in her room right now studying her chemistry and dreaming of being—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori rushed forward, her emotions spilling out of her throat. “That’s not true, Cameron. You know that! He didn’t put us up to anything. Nina </span>
  <em>
    <span>loved</span>
  </em>
  <span> acting.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cameron shook her head dismissively. “Believe what you want, but I say let Keating fry. I mean, why ruin our own lives?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nuwanda turned from Cameron to Tori, their eyes meeting as Cameron talked on. Nuwanda was fuming, yet below the surface of her eyes stirred something quiet and familiar, and she reminded Tori of something that was about to spurt out in an ugly explosion. They shared this gaze, both drowning in their shared sadness, and Tori half-hoped that it’ll calm Nuwanda down and stop her from lashing out. It was not enough.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nuwanda turned back and launched forward, right arm raised in a tight fist she aimed for Cameron’s face, sending the ginger toppling backward into the wall behind her from the force of the hit. Nyssa jumped forward in an attempt to hold Nuwanda back, but blood already began dripping from Cameron’s nose.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nuwanda!” Meeks cried out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cameron rose from where she fell, raising a hand to her nose, fingers staining from the crimson spurting out of her nostrils. She smeared some of the blood on her face by touching it, her eyes widening at the proof of the damage Nuwanda has done.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You just signed your expulsion papers, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Charlie</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” Cameron’s mouth was in an ugly snarl. Nuwanda’s old name rang off the walls as Cameron began moving towards the door, the girls watching her from their distance. “And if the rest of you are smart, you’ll do exactly what I did. They know anything anyway. You can’t save Keating, but you can save yourselves.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cameron left the door open behind her, and not long after Nuwanda rushed out of the room. Without thinking twice, Tori jogged after her, part of her worried that Nuwanda was going to go after Cameron again out of rage, and another worried that if she won’t go after Nuwanda she will never see her friend again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When she caught up with Nuwanda, the dark-haired girl strode in defiant steps that seemed like she was kicking the ground as she stepped forward. Nuwanda didn’t say anything, so Tori didn’t either. She simply walked at Nuwanda’s side, the two of them eventually making it to the yard where Keating practiced with them a lesson about finding your own path or something of the like — and where Tori first met Nina when she came to Hell-ton and introduced herself as Tori’s roommate. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to go home,” Nuwanda said, her voice so tight Tori nearly didn’t recognize it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nuwanda slumped down, her back against the wall and head tilted against the stone. Tori sat down beside her, sighing quietly, heart constricting in her chest. Nuwanda’s right-hand knuckles were red.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe I’ll just run away,” Nuwanda mused, a bitter laugh escaping her. “I never did really fit in here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you talking about?” Tori asked quietly, brows furrowed. Nuwanda was the cool girl everyone wanted to mimic and impress, the one who didn’t give two shits before snapping at teachers — the one who pranked Nolan in front of the whole school with the whole </span>
  <em>
    <span>phonecall from god</span>
  </em>
  <span> fiasco. “You’re… brilliant. In every way.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nuwanda cackled, not meeting Tori’s eyes. She rested her arms over her knees, fidgeting with her hands. Tori never saw her like that before. “Shut up, Anderson. Jesus.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really,” Tori insisted. “You’re — you’re a good friend, Nuwanda.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t understand.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nuwanda’s smile was gone, and Tori’s heart fell to her guts. God, was this about Nina? She could hardly deal with her own nagging guilt, and she had known Nina for much less than Nuwanda did. Nuwanda’s expression was solemn, no traces of her usual wicked mischievousness left on her features.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right,” Tori muttered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She pulled up her knees and put her chin on top of them, trying to steady her breaths. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It doesn’t matter anymore. There’s nothing left to do now.</span>
  </em>
  <span> All she could do was to try to keep herself from falling apart and hope she could be less of a burden to everyone — who were clearly suffering no less than her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She could feel Nuwanda’s eyes on her, and when she turned to face her in a brief wave of courage, Nuwanda tore her eyes away. Her anxiety bubbled right up again, nearly deafening in her ears before Nuwanda spoke up again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Most girls are… just girls,” Nuwanda began quietly, eyes fixated on a point on the stone yard. She kicked a small stone with her foot. “And guys are simply guys.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Tori tried, clouded with confusion. What was Nuwanda trying to say? If she would ask her, Nuwanda would surely close into herself and shut her out. It was clear as day how hard it was for Nuwanda to open up as it was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nuwanda cleared her throat. “Okay,” she repeated after Tori dumbly. “Yeah. And, it’s just— I’m not really that way. I’m a guy. I just have to try harder.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori watched Nuwanda fix his eyes on the ground stubbornly, not missing the furrow of his brows as he breathed out the words, almost in relief. She didn’t know what to say, what to do — what did Nuwanda want to hear at the moment? Their situation was so fucked up, Tori could hardly faze it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But she knew how Nuwanda must feel at the moment with his confession out in the open, gut churned and heart racing and thoughts spilling all over the place. She bumped her knees with Nuwanda’s gently, humming a little as she did.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” she said again simply, hoping it would be enough. Nuwanda, himself, was more than enough.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Nuwanda looked up at her, dark strands in his worried eyes — angry and sad and tired, tired eyes — she knew it meant a great something to him. As small of a comfort as it was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just the evening before, the all got ready to see Nina’s performance in the bathroom together. Nuwanda wore a suit, hair short and fitting, and Tori saw in his eyes something she recognized. Was that another reason for Nuwanda wanting boys in Hell-ton? Did Nina know — did the other Dead Poets?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Did Cameron? Was that another reason for the tension between the two?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori’s thoughts rushed. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I love Nina</span>
  </em>
  <span>, she wanted to say, to share with Nuwanda. The words were already at the back of her throat, but she swallowed them down in a panic. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nuwanda probably already knew, anyway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>God, Tori didn’t want to lose him, too. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tori watched from the window of her dorm two figures walking in the snow from one building on the campus towards the boarding one. It was Hager, dressed in a grey suit and fading into the snow in contrast to Meeks at his side, unmissable with her red hair and dark jacket and brown trousers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori moved from the window to sit on her bed, letting her head slump against the wall behind her. Her eyes fluttered close, a breathy sigh at her lips, unwilling to meet the sight of Nina’s bed stripped naked in front of her. Tori’s room was too empty now, too dimly-lit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She tried concentrating on her breathing, slow and </span>
  <em>
    <span>normal</span>
  </em>
  <span> — when she heard Hager’s toneless voice calling for Nyssa. There was a shuffling of feet and a few door creaks, Meeks entering her room and Nyssa coming out to the hallway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori peeked out of her door, just barely enough to be met with the sight of Nyssa fixing her blazer. Her friend gave her a thumbs-up, face lined with worry despite the smile her mouth attempted to curl into. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori smiled a little back at her before Nyssa turned to make her way to Hager at the end of the hall. The moment Nyssa’s gaze left her, Tori let her eyes drop to the floor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Silently, Nyssa and Hager walked down the stairs of the dorms and to Nolan’s office in the other building. Tori tiptoed to Meeks and Pitts’ dorm, too afraid to knock, and put her hand against the door — for maybe Meeks could feel her presence through the wooden door, could notice her reaching out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a few minutes, Tori spoke. “Meeks?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go away,” came the curt reply, “I have to study.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori wasn’t familiar with Meeks’ blatant voice. It came as a surprise, as she had assumed to encounter a more emotional reaction from her friend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her eyes were drawn to the door next to Meeks and Pitts’, the one in front of her own: Nuwanda and Cameron’s. It was open wide and empty, Cameron’s side of the room tidy as always, and Nuwanda’s as empty as Nina’s. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a short beat, she asked quietly, “What happened to Nuwanda?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Expelled,” Meeks answered, confirming what Tori had already assumed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t the place for Nuwanda, Tori knew, but her heart ached nevertheless. He will be better somewhere else — anywhere else, to be honest — but his absence only weighed on her, not allowing her to at least rejoice in the option of him being able to start anew somewhere else.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’d you tell them?” Tori asked. Her stomach turned at the thought of having to visit Nolan’s office soon, on top of everything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing they didn’t already know.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tori Anderson,” Hager called.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She walked with him, head low as they made their way through the campus. Inside Nolan’s office sat her parents, ready and stiff as always. At least one thing stayed the same throughout the last 24 hours. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello, daughter,” greeted her father.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello, darling,” said her mother, a little tightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori didn’t quite know what to say, what to do. Her eyes jumped over all the faces in the rooms, the ball of anxiety in the pit of her stomach hitting against each of her organs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mom,” she mumbled.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Tori wiped her palms on her pants as Hager closed the door behind her, leaving the room. The three adults left in the room watched her as if waiting for her to combust. Nolan smoked his pipe, Tori’s mother smoked her cigarette, and Tori decided she wouldn’t give them the pleasure of witnessing her losing it completely.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have a seat, Ms. Anderson,” Nolan instructed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her hands fidgeted as she did as she was told, sitting down between her parents. She was undoubtedly less frightened than she was on her first day upon entering the same office, but she felt heavier. Much heavier. Both with what she had learned and what she had lost.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ms. Anderson, I think we’ve pretty well put together what’s happened here. You do admit to being part of this Dead Poets Society?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The name of their group sounded so foreign on his tongue, something completely unrelated to her. It was cold, a snarl at the edge of his voice as he said it, so different than what it really meant to Tori and the others. It had no place in Nolan’s mouth, in Nolan’s office, in her parents’ presence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori didn’t respond. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Answer him, Tori,” her father said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeks was right. They knew everything already, and now she lost yet another thing that she held dear to her heart. All those years of living inside her own head until she began letting people in, and now it was all taken away from her. Nina, Nuwanda, the Dead Poets Society, and soon Keating, too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She held back her tears, so overwhelmed from the sadness and frustration and fright she held in her bones.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori looked away, voice low as she spoke. “Yes, sir.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nolan looked at her for a long moment — she could feel his empty eyes on her. It took a moment before he looked away, understanding he wasn’t getting anything more out of her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have here a detailed description of what occurred at your meetings. It describes how your teacher, Mr. Keating, encouraged you girls to organize this club and to use it as a source of inspiration for reckless and self-indulgent behavior. It describes how Mr. Keating, both in and out of the classroom, encouraged Nina Perry to follow her obsession with acting when he knew all along it was against the explicit orders of Nina’s parents. It was Mr. Keating’s blatant abuse of his position as a teacher that led directly to Nina Perry’s death.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Lies, lies, lies. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Tori wanted to scream, to tear at her hair or punch Nolan in the face or run away into the snowy woods and never resurface again. How she wished she was good with words right now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her father passed her a page he held in his hands. Her eyes moved between Nolan and her parents, at a loss of words.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Read that document carefully, Tori.” Tori’s eyes shot up to meet Nolan’s as he paused, and his blank face turned sour, just slightly. “Very carefully.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She did, forcefully, and it demanded Tori’s confirmation of Nolan’s accusation towards Keating. Long and cooly-phrased sentences detaching the tragedy of what happened to aim the blame at her English teacher like some sort of mishap that could be explained as simply as that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>One the bottom of the page were Meeks, Cameron, Pitts, and Nyssa’s signatures. Next to her own name was a blank space Nolan waited for her to fill in, holding out a pen for her to take. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you have nothing to add or amend, sign it,” Nolan said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As if she could deny anything now, with all of the Dead Poets already having signed the paper. It will be her word against theirs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s going to happen to Mr. Keating?” She demanded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her father sighed impatiently. “I’ve had enough. Sign the paper, Tori.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori looked at Nolan, waiting for an answer to her question, but all he did was hold out the pen for her to take.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They sat in the English classroom, quiet, waiting for something to happen. Tori tried not to turn around and face Nina’s empty desk, and Nuwanda’s usually loud spot at the end of the class now completely still.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The door opened and Nolan walked inside, all the girls standing up at their desks as he made his way to the front of the class. He reached Keating’s desk and they sat down, unsettled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll be teaching this class through exams. We’ll find a permanent English teacher during the break,” Nolan said. “Who will tell me where you are in the Pritchard textbook?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The class was silent as Nolan waited for someone to volunteer. Tori couldn’t take her eyes off the floor. This was, undoubtedly, the longest day of her life. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ms. Anderson,” Nolan called.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori was drawn out of her thoughts suddenly, eyes jumping to Nolan, then quickly back to her books. “In the… In the Pr—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t hear you, Ms. Anderson,” Nolan interrupted her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori squinted her eyes, mouth closed tightly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck Nolan. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kindly inform me, Ms. Cameron,” moved on Nolan. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We skipped around a lot, sir. We covered the romantics and some chapters on post Civil War literature.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nolan made a considering face. “What about the realists?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cameron began looking uncomfortable. “I believe we skipped most of that, sir.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, then, we’ll start over. What is poetry?” Before anyone could answer — or rather sit silently as they have up till now — a knock was heard on the door. “Come.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>All heads turned around to the doorpost, finding Keating dressed in his long brown coat, briefcase in hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Excuse me,” he said. “I came for my personals.” Tori looked away, guilt squeezing her heart tightly. Her stomach shifted uneasily. “Should I come back after class?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nolan looked greatly irritated at Keating’s interruption. “Get them now, Mr. Keating.” He turned his attention back to the class as Keating made his way around to his office. “Ladies, turn to page 21 of the introduction. Ms. Cameron, read aloud the excellent essay by Dr. Pritchard on understanding poetry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cameron cleared her throat awkwardly. “That page has been ripped out, sir.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, burrow someone else’s book,” said Nolan.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>all</span>
  </em>
  <span> ripped out, sir,” Cameron admitted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori’s eyes drifted from her hands to Keating in his office, noticing the small smile he wore as he piled up his things at the conversation held between Nolan and Cameron.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nolan let out a sharp laugh, something close to a bark. “What do you mean, they’re all ripped out?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sir, we—” Cameron began, not really knowing what to say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never mind.” Nolan stood at Cameron’s desk, putting down his own copy for her to take. He patted it loudly. “Read.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Understanding Poetry</span>
  </em>
  <span> by Dr. J. Evans Pritchard, Ph. D. To fully understand poetry, we must first be fluent with its meter, rhyme and figures of speech, then ask two questions. One: how artfully has the objective of the poem been rendered?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In her head, Tori could almost hear Nina’s voice reading it aloud in that very same classroom where they ripped the entire chapter out. Keating made his way from his office to leave class, and when he passed by Tori he met her eyes. She hoped her eyes could convey how truly, deeply sorry she was for Keating leaving, how much she wished he could stay, how she knew it wasn’t his fault in any way — and she hoped he accepted her attempt of an apology.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Keating opened the classroom door in a creak, Cameron’s voice died for a moment. After faltering, she continued. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And two: how important is that objective? Question one rates the poem’s perfection. Question two rates its importance. And once these questions have been answered, determining the poem’s greatness becomes a relatively simple matter.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori desperately wanted to say something to Keating, now before he left the classroom and her life forever, but she couldn’t find the words. God, how she hated herself sometimes. She never knew what to say, did she?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cameron’s voice carried on in the classroom, the door not yet closing, Keating watching them one last time. “If the poem’s score for perfection is plotted on the horizontal of a graph—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori jolted up from her seat, turning her back on Nolan and facing the back of the class. “Mr. Keating, they made everybody sign it,” she tried desperately.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Quiet,” Nolan demanded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The words burst out of Tori in a hurry, tumbling over each other as Keating’s eyes fixed on her. “You gotta believe me, it’s true.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do believe you, Tori,” said Keating.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nolan stood from leaning against Keating’s desk, defiant. “Leave, Mr. Keating.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori turned her head to Nolan, rage bubbling in her, voice growing louder and louder. “But it wasn’t his fault!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sit down, Ms. Anderson,” dismissed Nolan. “One more outburst from you or anyone else, and you’re out of this school. Leave, Mr. Keating.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori gritted her teeth, dropping to her seat. No sound was made and Tori didn’t see what was happening behind her, but she could assume Keating stood put. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I said leave, Mr. Keating.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With one look at Nolan’s pleased face, Tori understood Keating had backed down. At that, a realization hit her. The fact that Keating, the sharp and kind and good man that helped Tori and her friends learn to speak for themselves had given up was horrifying. Tori didn’t want to go back to be compliant and passive; not wanting to be who Nolan wanted her to be, who her parents wanted her to be. She wanted to be brave like Nuwanda and passionate like Nina and unapologetic like Meeks and caring like Pitts and in love with life like Nyssa. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>More than anything, she simply didn’t care anymore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori stood up and climbed on top of her desk, legs steady and mind clear. She turned to face the door, to face the empty doorpost and the students, calling out, “O Captain, my Captain!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sit </span>
  <em>
    <span>down</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Ms. Anderson,” ordered Nolan.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating was already out of the classroom when he heard her, walking back inside with an unreadable expression. Their eyes met, Tori up above her classmates’ heads, heart heavy but thoughts calm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sit down!” Nolan demanded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating’s lips curled upwards, his face shifting to something recognizable and familiar, and Tori knew in her heart he forgave her. Still, that wasn’t why she did it. She couldn’t let things go by her anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Life is short,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Nina told her one night, caressing her hands with tender fingers, </span>
  <em>
    <span>and I wish we could live in pride.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>She could at least try, in her own Tori-way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is your final warning, Anderson,” warned Nolan. “How dare you? Do you hear me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nyssa jolted up on top of her desk, mimicking Tori. “O Captain, my Captain!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nolan’s head jumped to Nyssa. “Ms. Overstreet, I warn you. Sit down.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pitts joined them, tall and lanky, head held high as she stood on her desk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sit down!” Nolan called. “Sit down. All of you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Other girls joined too, girls whose Keating’s tutoring had touched — not just the Dead Poets remaining in Hell-ton. Meeks joined finally, smiling to Keating her lopsided smile, and most of the class was found on their desks, ignoring Nolan’s cries.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Leave, Mr. Keating!” Nolan urged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keating stood in the doorway, eyes bright and touched as more students continued to rise up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All of you, down. I want you seated.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nolan had never looked so small. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you hear me? Sit down!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Students have stopped rising up, and Tori didn’t spare a thought to Cameron who stayed put in her seat. Keating was smiling proudly, sadness lingering behind his eyes as he gazed at his students. He had given them so much — had given</span>
  <em>
    <span> Tori </span>
  </em>
  <span>so much — when he believed in them more than any adult in their lives had. He challenged them and expected great things out of them, and they didn’t want to let him go. Still, it was inevitable, and that was clear to both parties.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The world wasn’t fair in more ways than it </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It was suffocating, weighing Tori down like a bag full of bricks she carried on her shoulders, but still she stood on her desk with her chin held high. The last time she stood like that was in the very same classroom, seeing the room from up on Keating’s desk when she was so used to look down at her feet. The lights closed on her back then, but they stood on now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tori didn’t know what to do to live proudly like Nina and she dreamed of. Like Meeks and Nuwanda deserved. She did know, though, she would try and try again. No one will do it for her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, girls.” Keating’s captivating voice was close to trembling. “Thank you.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>WOW this was hard for me to finish! i had so much trouble wrapping this story up even though i already had a draft because i really didn't want it to end :') this was so much fun and i hope y'all enjoyed it too, so please let me know what you thought!! <br/>thanks for sticking around :))</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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